Trying to find the oneness of it all

2011-04-28T23:38:00.002-04:00

I know I've been quiet for a while, but maybe it's because there's just too much to say. My mind has just been one big question mark for months and every iteration of myself feels like the same. Like any number of versions of me. Was 2004 self any different than current self? Other than 7 years difference, I'm not so sure. When I was 22 possibilities were endless. Light. Room for casualty. Seven years later there is a heaviness to everything. There is weight in every decision I make.

I've realized that lately the person who makes me happiest is also the one who triggers me to reach terrible sadness. What makes it worse is that he doesn't know, and I don't put any blame on him. No, I choose to blame those around me whose unsolicited 2 cents I allow to get inside my head and in turn affect this relationship. I also blame myself for not being more direct.

When we're in the same bed, sleep comes easy for him. The roles reverse and I am the one who stays up at night contemplating my life's uncertainties. Going over mental checklists of my friends, placing them in their rightful categories: engaged, married, expecting. I do not fit in any category. I could stay like this in limbo forever. And that is the sadness, dear friends.

I don't want to live a life of gashmiut

2011-01-19T22:31:00.000-05:00

Goals for 2011

2011-01-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

Lose at least 5lbs (already lost 1)
Florida camping
A month in Israel this summer with my girls
Italy for xmas (davka) and Paris NYE
Make more $$$ dolla dolla bills, yo

2011-01-04T13:55:00.000-05:00

So far, gym 3 days, lots of salad, lots of water, protein, minimal carbs and minimal dairy. How long before this becomes just another forgotten New Year's resolution? Only time will tell.

It's come to my attention that I feel very far away

2010-12-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

Four and a half years ago I got on plane to the Holy Land that is Tel Aviv. Well, Ra'anana to be honest and less than a week later I was in a 5-month sublet on King David Street living a life I could never have dreamed. And I met so many beautiful people who touched my life to its core. Four years ago on December 18th (my mom's birthday), for better or for worse, but mainly for necessity, I received my Teudat Zehut. And for those seven months prior and many months to follow, I loved, longed, lusted after, laughed, cried, danced, and drank too many bottles of wine. I don't regret a single thing, except for leaving. Or not leaving, but having not come back.

I think I tend to get so nostalgic for Israel in winter. It's easy to do so then, because I'm cursing New York's cold and questioning why the hell I am passing up Palm Trees and heat waves for snow. It's also because when it's cold here, I know I have so long to wait till summer comes and I choose to leave the best time to be in New York so I can have a Tel Aviv summer like it was in 2006 and the end of 2007.

It's been four and a half years - can you imagine? I've come to terms with the decisions I've made that have led me to Brooklyn with a boy I love, but nothing can compare to 2006/2007 of my mind. That was the only time in my life when I had a group of sisters who would call me out on my bullshit. Would tell me to stop pretending I didn't miss NY, chide me for treating my time in Israel like some "study abroad program", support me and my poetry needs, and simply love me for me. And sometimes it hits me just how lucky I was and how I feel so far away. I miss you all. I miss every second of it. I wish I could just go back in time to grab a group hug and carry on like it'll all be okay because it has to.

So, let's use technology to our advantage. Here I am on the cursed G train with vegan thai take-out and a lemonade mixer on my way to see a man in Williamsburg for a hug and to work a freelance life till the wee hours of the night. His hugs don't feel like sisterhood, but they certainly feel like home. And I'll make due until it's summer again, and you'll find me dancing. You'll know where I am because I'll be with you. xx

Cardio

2010-11-21T17:38:00.000-05:00

For 1 hour 4-5 times a week. Because it's necessary. And bc I might make myself single soon.

Oh friends

2010-11-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

I regret to tell you that religion always gets in the way. That our young heroine will tell you stories over drinks about the time when love came easy and she could have had it all. The rock on the finger. The big beautiful Manhattan sky rise. The 2.5 children while under the age of 30. But, dear friends, this young lass never makes the easy choices or the "right" decisions. Our leading lady left her prince years ago. She gave up the life in the palace for a desert that blooms. For the night that only ends when the sun comes up.

No decisions will be made, but those in my mind. But I will tell you, while I don't make the easy, smart decisions, I long for the dream day where my groom is danced to meet me for the first time after a week. The emotional moment where we see each other for the first time. And I'm not sure I'll have that in this current situation. Yes, I am in love. Yes, I haven't felt this way in quite some time. But ultimately I know who I am. I know what I want. This relationship won't yield the optimal results. So there you have it. What I think 2 drinks in. And now 3. On to the 4th possibly. Good night my loves.

Food journal

2010-11-04T11:54:00.000-04:00

2 handfuls Kashi cereal
Water
Coffee (1 sm. sugar, milk)
Banana
2 chocolate kisses

Lunch
Salad w mozz cheese, avocado, string beans, the usual, tuna and home made honey balsamic dressing
Coffee
Water

Finding Inspiration

2010-11-03T15:36:00.003-04:00

Channahboo has inspired me to think about my own health, weight, and appearance. Today starts project Lose That Belly, and boyfriend and I are going to do what we can to tighten up and lose some inches. While I planned to go to the gym today, I lack the discipline and that did not happen. If I try to go now and get in a quick workout, I will for sure be late in meeting a friend for drinks and will subsequently be late for dinner plans later. However, what I can do today is make sure the drink I consume does not have too many calories, and the dinner I eat later will be healthy. So my diet I hope will keep up with that of Channahboo's.

Not to say that this blog will now serve as a food journal, just that sometimes you need to put something out publicly with the goal of sticking to it. So please encourage me here or other places to remind myself that a 28 year old can still aim for a 20 year old's body. Tomorrow my calendar reminder is set for 8:30am at the gym. I'm in need of some morning cardio.

Where does one post things anymore?

2010-10-24T12:09:00.000-04:00

With blogs, secret blogs, public ones, twitter, where am I supposed to note the sh*t I want to say like, I've been on the west coast for so f'n long that if I don't see my bf soon I am going to throw myself into traffic!!!

I am very grateful for tonight's flight back to NY. This cannot happen any sooner. I can't wait until Monday. Time for a cold shower. Thanks for listening.

9/6/10

2010-09-06T17:36:00.000-04:00

3 little stops and you once thought the weight of the world was held in those moments
Thought love lurked around the corner
Thought promise was held in his hands
But they were held in yours all along
And there are men who will love the smile in your eyes
The fire in your heart
The fear of G-d in your soul
Love will consume you when you're ready
When you've deciphered the difference between infatuation and till death do us part
There will be time for passion, but only after there has been soul searching
Strengthen your connection with the All Mighty
For He will always be there in times of need
Walk with G-d when those around you won't
Remember body and brain are Holy
For they elevate the typewriter too

2010-09-03T02:26:00.001-04:00

Hey girl keep your head up because if there's a G-d who loves you there's a man who will too. He'll carry fire in his belly and love in his heart, and the only tears you'll cry from him will be of joy when he gets down on one knee and tells you how this moment was waiting just for you. He'll know how to build things (like your father), he'll know how to fix things (like your father), and he'll know secrets that make your toes curl. He'll be the man to teach your sons to be men - teach them how to love a woman right - and teach your daughters to love themselves enough to never let a single man take away their self-worth (like you did). He won't be perfect but perfectly for you. He's out there, because if you believe there's a G-d and that He's everywhere then you just have to believe...

9/2/10

2010-09-01T12:00:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to understand this thing called love. Why we as humans have this basic need for love. To love another, but more importantly to be loved. Why we hit a certain age where this quest for love consumes us, and if it didn't then happiness would come easier.

Why we feel less valuable without love. Why we cling when there's a glimpse of love in our midst, allow ourselves to be set up for a crushing fall when things don't go as that sliver of hope counted on.

Once, I wasn't 28. Once, I wasn't like this. Didn't feel this deadline looming over my head. I always looked for love in all the wrong places. Always looked for love lurking around the corner. But never like this. Never with this urgency. This rush. This disappointment. How do we reconcile this need for love? The weight of the world is love and now it's resting heavy on my shoulders to the point where my eyes brim with tears threatening to come out at any given moment at the thought of once potential lovers who just want to take take take so much all at once and then without a moment's notice just leave with everything they were able to get out, and when you've already been sucked dry what else is left to give to the next? But the thing is, just when we think there's nothing left to give there's always some reserve we find tucked away far behind our secrets we save for late nights staying up with lovers licking opened wounds.

I've tried praying. I've tried talking to G-d sincerely and earnestly, leveling with Him, bargaining. I've written a list hoping it would manifest itself in the form of a perfect person created just to complement me. I've threatened to switch teams when I've become too jaded. And I know the advice that will be given is to not sweat it and not stress. Is anyone able to do that successfully without the help of our vices to distract us? How strong can I pretend to be before I crumble underneath the gaze of a man who holds the promise of a future in his hands?

8/29/10

2010-08-29T11:32:00.007-04:00

Your disingenuous ways have made me question everything
Like why men feign love and devotion all for the sake of sex that doesn't happen
Why 3 subway stops once separated my heart from yours
Left me waiting and anticipating
Seemed like infinite hours
And now I can't wait for you to be so far away from my F train.
You can keep the G
Be gone with it. Ride it all the way to San Francisco.
There will be no flowers left at your doorstep for you to place in your hair
No silent vigils when you leave
No dramatic returns of items that belong to you
Just the waiting and the waiting and the glorious waiting for you to leave this borough that was/is yours
Will soon be mine
Waiting waiting delicious waiting for Brooklyn to become my new love
My new lover
I will go down on Brooklyn
Go down in Brooklyn
Brooklyn and I will go down in history as being the most genuine couple
Novels will be written about us
Posters with our bodies on it
Musky oils made to smell like our sex
Left as lingering reminders
Evoking memories of summer love that expired well before its time.

2010-08-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

Bearded men not Jewish
Kipa wearers
Married facial-haired men are the only "trust-worthy" ones
I fight to wake up another day
I fight through crowds
Beards
Accents
Don't talk to me
I wear pants to confuse you
Let's meet for a drink and talk Torah
I'll tell you how Jerusalem lacks Holiness for me
I'll confuse you
Maybe I'll shock you
Maybe that's what I want
Maybe I don't know what I want
Summer's slipping through my fingers
So's my libido
It happens
I'll just drink and dance
And you'll pause
Scratch your head
Shake it
Shake me away

This suddenly feels like a bad f*cking idea

2010-08-10T02:11:00.000-04:00

I like to say that nine years ago I could have never predicted that I'd turn out to be "modern orthodox," however I know the truth is otherwise. That if someone would have let me peek at my future amidst hits of ecstasy, I would've known this to be true. That eventually, somewhere along my life's graph, I would find meaning in the mundane; open my heart to belief; that one day I would find G-d, whether at that moment in time or 20 years from then, I knew it would happen; I could see it coming.

So why then, 9 years down the line, when I'm the girl who bares cleavage while making brachot, would I willingly enter a living arrangement with more potential difficulties than ease? Maybe it makes sense within the confusion, as I never seem to go for the easy choices, for the decisions that always follow logic. No, instead I go against the grain. Throw logic to the wind and tell G-d in defiance that I'll make it work, as if He has no choice in what will happen. But it's too late now. No turning back. No matter what, no matter how cyclical life becomes. It always seems a lost job is paired with a new apartment. Change your makom and you change your mazal, but is this any better? Time will tell.

So now I'm in the market for a bearded man who I can trust. Who will come bearing a blow torch and secrets of the Torah. Who will help make my home as Holy as it can be in the moment. It's funny how this whole time I was more concerned about kashering the kitchen than the size of my bedroom; toveling dishes over living room decor. And of course immediately after signing my soul to the devil all thoughts turn to Israel, and my heart has never experienced such hurt as seeing photos for the first time of a friend's ripening belly, round and ready to raise the future. These things, they happen. Life happens. Without caution. No stopping it now so I must go with the flow as cliched as I may become. There was another ending but then I got tired.

8/3/10

2010-08-03T23:40:00.002-04:00

Looking at you makes me sick.
It didn't always.
I actually rather fancied you until you turned into an asshole.
Or at least in my eyes.

I don't want to love you anymore.
Don't have the urge to have your babies
Hold your hand
Stroke your hair
Or look you straight in the eye.
Instead, when I see your face, I have to hold myself back from vomiting just a little bit.

You became the rule when I thought you were the exception.
And now I'm realizing there are no exceptions.
At least not in my world.
So thank you for finally showing your true colors like they all seem to do.
Eventually.

7/8/10

2010-07-08T18:19:00.000-04:00

My phone buzzes and I hope it's him. A generic him. Could be anyone at this point. Anyone could be the love of my life at this point. And I don't mean it in a way that's like settling. Just that at this age and this stage of the game, the man of your dreams is either the guy you've known for years or the boy you haven't met yet.

I look for love in all the wrong places. I stop looking. The wrong ones find me. I stop being found. I hide. I get curious. I start to look again. I wish I never looked in the first place. I want to stop looking. I feel myself changing. I hate what I am turning into. I'm becoming like everyone else. Sometimes I can smell the desperation on myself. It's sour. Sometimes I taste bitter when I wish I tasted like my lover's kisses. But I don't have a lover. I left lovers in the past. I always seem to be leaving. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I fear karma. I fear the day I'll be left. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I always leave all the time. Always. I'm sorry.

2010-07-08T13:20:00.002-04:00

I am day dreaming of backyard barbecues in summer. Washing dishes while watching my kin through the window. They are golden, and their father is our hero. He holds the sun in his smile, stars in his eyes, fire in his belly and only has love in his heart. He is as tall as trees sometimes, and protects us like his arms are an umbrella bear hug.

This is all fantasy that may or may not prove itself to be true as days turn to weeks to months to years, but I know I can put myself in the moment for but a moment and find that truth feels like a beautiful summer day from the comfort of your kitchen.

I'm too pretty to be eating dinner alone

2010-06-28T22:32:00.000-04:00

I've decided and I'm sticking to it. This was an exercise in commitment and resilience. No more! While I can pay for my own dinner, if I'm eating alone let it be in the comfort of my own home!

2010-06-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

When I imagine us we shine like stars exploding on the night sky canvas singing "holy holy holy." Today I realized 613 = 1 and it all made sense.

2010-06-08T13:49:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I drunkenly fell asleep clutching a bowl of popcorn. That is all.

Today I did the unthinkable

2010-06-07T02:13:00.001-04:00

I convinced myself to sign up for Jdate. After less than 24 hours of using it, I'd like my money back. Most of the men who have messaged me are overweight, short, unattractive, and/or bald. Oh, and a couple are extra socially awkward and have proceeded to insult me WHILE complimenting me! "You're really pretty, but why else should I be interested in you?" Um, maybe for all the lovely reasons stated in my fucking profile I wasted 30 minutes of my life agonizing over, Mr. 40-year-old divorced, bald, modern orthodox man. Why don't YOU tell ME why I even bothered responding to you with "I think my neshama shines more than my outward appearance."

I think it's safe to say my soul mate is not on Jdate. I have yet to find a kosher keeping, shabbat loving, music appreciating hipster who can kick my ass at the gym while quoting poetry to me on or offline. I will give this thing an honest week. Dear G-d give me the strength to ignore the crazies.

2010-06-06T00:15:00.001-04:00

I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. Quite doubtful.

Another year, another day, another dollar

2010-06-03T00:43:00.001-04:00

I want to chalk up today's lackluster feelings of melancholy to prolonged sleep deprivation. Channahboo called to serenade me a happy birthday song and tears came to my eyes. I blame exhaustion for my emotions.

When I was 16 I dreaded my birthday. I remember thinking 18 was old and getting depressed just from trying to envision such a number. Now 30 is the new 18 (possibly in more ways than one?).

I wore sweats all day, masked my sadness with happiness for others, appreciating young love, defiantly refusing to be bitter. No, I am not that kind of friend.

Today has seen the light of 3 international phone calls, 4 voices serenading me, countless messages, and the realization that for the first time in years I did not receive flowers on my birthday. Maybe that's what you get when you push away every man who has ever loved you so much without reason that they envision arising with you every morning. It took me an hour just to motivate myself to make coffee. I can't remember the last time I felt so alone. (Our conversation does not go unappreciated.)

Maybe I should have read tehillim, or went to the gym straight away. Maybe I should have put on a pretty dress and made up my face. I leave that for tomorrow. Let this weekend wash away all of last month's stress. Am I allowed to be selfish now? Am I allowed to find love? What have I been chasing after for the past 3 years...?

This is a sad day

2010-05-31T16:45:00.000-04:00

I don't remember what's it's like to be in love. I think it involves being utterly in awe of the one you're with, but I think I could use confirmation.

2010-05-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

I tell him I'm a poet
He looks at me with skeptical eyes
Any other man would see me in a different light
Instantly I would be special
Different from any girl he has ever met

But no
He wishes I were a woman whose main desire was to be barefoot, pregnant and cooking something spicy in the kitchen
Someone who obeys
Who doesn't think for herself
Who doesn't know how to create anything but babies
And even then needs a man for everything
Someone possibly like his mother
Old school and the opposite of free-thinking
The embodiment of traditional

I tell him I'm a poet
And I've never been made to feel like that's anything less than beautiful until now

2010-05-25T02:02:00.000-04:00

I don't want to see you in my Facebook stream
I want to forget that you ever existed
That we contemplated the future
Because you are not the boy I once knew then
The one I want to savor in memories
Have appear in dreams
This new found you is too harsh
Too rough around the edges
Avoids real confrontation at all costs
And still won't take risks

I want to hide hide hide you
So I don't have to see what you're bothered by today
What happened that prompted an email and an update
Let it all just come as a surprise to me, or better that I had not known at all
I don't need a random reminder of what would have been
What once was
What will never be
I have my memories for that
My brain that does not sleep
Even now
Even past the point of exhaustion
And 16 hour days
And I didn't know you would pop up again so often, so unexpectedly

Tonight I am one year older in G-d's eyes and yet in an instant I went back in time by three

2010-05-23T14:23:00.000-04:00

I think my heart hurts today.

Your self-righteous words are appalling

2010-05-11T12:35:00.000-04:00

One day I'm gonna write a poem about this.

Truth Stings

2010-05-11T09:37:00.002-04:00

Never trust a man with a beard, no matter how holy he appears to be.

Warning

2010-05-10T12:02:00.000-04:00

My emotions can be really fickle so if I tell you I love you I suggest you run.

Revelation

2010-05-03T12:58:00.000-04:00

I think I'm ready to be a wife.

Confession

2010-04-23T18:50:00.001-04:00

So often I want to ask my mother what would be "worse": if I married a convert or a Chabadnik.

2010-04-17T22:21:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up thinking I was in Israel. 15 seconds later I came to and felt the sting of disappointment having realized I was in fact in my own bed. I just want to go home.

Pensive

2010-04-11T05:54:00.001-04:00

About every 10 months or so I make my usual pilgrimage to Israel. It's like my Mecca. Being in limbo over the past couple of years has allotted me the time to stay for a while, at least 4 weeks. This time is all too short. I gave myself 2 weeks. No sight-seeing planned, no day trips, no hiking, no shopping, no sun tanning, just homies and a visit to a grave.

What usually happens is that I feel the energy of the atoms of every being inhabiting this country fill my body where everything feels alive and I become Dean Moriarty with all the manic highs and lows. This time is different. I have become Kerouac's Mother Boddhisatva who feels the need to pray for all of Am Yisrael. I am the Divine wrapped in tank tops and flip flops. I have become an enigma even to myself. I like to think it makes life interesting.

This time, sometimes, when walking Tel Aviv streets I get a little depressed; my memories come back to haunt me. They take shape in the form of buildings never lived in, street corners having kissed on, bar stools, galleries, cafes, sea salt filling my nostrils reminding of once upon a time, reminding me of the last time, reminding me of love lost, heart break, body ache, romance, a fight for life.

There will never be another summer of 2004. There will never be another summer of 2006. Summers to follow. Israel, I always love you in summer. I love you today, even though the sun isn't peeking through overcast skies and everything looks the same shade of tan. Today I'm wearing a brown dress. I will blend in well. "In this country girls like me are a dime a dozen," too many times I've said that and meant it.

I am open to every possibility. I am open for love. My body wants to have babies while my brain doesn't. I'm ready for the process. I'm ready for love to come find me. Whether in NY or Tel Aviv, geography makes no difference as long as it has a place for me to rest my head and call home.

To all the single ladies (put your hands up), I bless you (us) with the ability to stop being such women all the time and to be open. I bless you to be open to love - but not too eager. Just open. He may be around the corner, or lying next to you on the beach. Or he may not. May this be the year that there are too many weddings that I will just have to stay once and for all, free of regret. Tagidu Amen!

2010-03-05T13:58:00.001-05:00

I'm lonely. I'm torn. I'm thinking. I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't miss too many people.

Not good not good not good

2010-02-09T17:45:00.001-05:00

Today feels like a Monday and I feel I may blow a fuse. Almost everyone can suck it. This includes some babies and small dogs.

2010-02-08T20:10:00.001-05:00

Today I thought I saw you waiting at the bus stop. Glasses and earmuffs and all. I drove by on my way home, after helping a friend try on engagement rings for the first time and dinner where the most satisfying part was the chocolate chip cookie at the end.

Maybe I just have you on my brain. Or maybe I just have relationships on my brain. We never did get to experience normalcy, did we? No, instead it was intensified blips on the graph of life. You will always be my summer fling. I've seen normal through the eyes of strangers and I wonder if I'll see it through my own. I don't do normal very well. In fact, I starting tearing after a conversation with a potential set-up. This is all very strange to me.

2010-02-06T20:39:00.001-05:00

Dear New York,

Sometimes, in those rare moments when I force myself to look up from this device, I see you in your entire glory. I see you for the grit and glam, the bright lights that can outshine those of the Vegas strip. I see you for the stuff that poems and movies and photos and songs and history are made of, and I see you for the epithets that were made just for you.

I admit, sometimes I don't see your beauty. Sometimes I don't always stop in awe of the Empire State building in the distance, nor marvel in Central Park summers. But I live for the Bowery poetry nights - the nights that make you feel alive, that awaken the soul after it's been sleeping for far too long. And I long to find the non-cliches you have to offer. Something that makes me feel like I selfishly have a little piece of home.

Because I'm not allowed to say

2010-01-24T01:29:00.002-05:00

I miss you.

2010-01-22T00:21:00.001-05:00

It is November
And Kate Nash doesn't know it yet but she will love me
We are the only ones dancing while the rest of the music hall is filled with zombies

We dance, and how we dance
Desperate to show her we love her so
And her music
It touches us
In ways we've never felt before
And my hair - I am self-conscious of it
And I'm not wearing makeup
And compared to Kate Nash's red-flamed hair I feel inadequate
But we
We dance despite that
Holding on to the night
Holding on to everything she has to give us before it's all over
Just one more song
Let her cockney accent take us to higher planes

And I think I may love her more than you
But you let me believe that our love is equal because you love me more than her
Even though I have no exceptional beauty to offer tonight

Her voice
I pretend it's like mine
And her beauty
I live vicariously through it for just one night
Let us live in her unconventional beauty
Let us pretend for one night that our love for her equals our love for each other
And we will never have to utter one word
All we have to do is dance

2010-01-07T21:21:00.002-05:00

Dear _____,

Today I encountered a man on the subway who questioned the definition of "schlep" written on my bag. I want to note that today is the first time I have used said bag. After debating whether or not "schlep" on his own was written in Hebrew or Yiddish, I accepted a tissue he offered for my sniffling nose. As I was leaving the train I thanked him and he wished me shabbat shalom. Taken aback I said, "you too" in a tone as if I was asking "how did you know?"

Waiting for the next train I mulled over this "random" chance happening, wondering how many people experience these moments daily. I also couldn't help but think if his shabbat shalom goodbye was his way of saying "hey, I'm Jewish too" and all the urges I get to somehow relate Jewishly to chareidi men and women I see on the train. I often find myself searching for my little book of Tehillim that I usually have left at home, knowing that if only I could read a few chapters with the fervor of a yeshiva girl I might win their favor.

Remember that story you told me once? About how a religious man came to the office and for whatever reason something not so ideal happened. And because you are who you are, you wanted to do everything you could to fix it. And after all was said and done, and you knew he would still leave with a bad taste in his mouth, you wished him shabbat shalom as he went on his way. You also joked that it wasn't even on Thursday, that it was probably on a Monday but you wanted to let him know somehow you had something in common.

It's winter in New York. I'm writing this without gloves, my body shaking and fingers frozen from the cold. And I wish I could ask you to re-tell that story just one more time, but instead I'll think about how I'm in one of the most wonderful cities in the world, and even I can't see the beauty of the Empire State Building.

2009-12-31T22:41:00.001-05:00

Ringing in the new year ringing in the sheep
It's time to recount all our failures and hope we don't make the same mistake twice
It's time to recount our successes and hope we double them

Ring in the new year
Drop that ball
Ring that bell
And always make sure you have someone to kiss when the clock strikes 12
Phone calls to be made
In this day cell phone service fails at our hands writing text messages
Emails
Fingers dialing digits
Some looking for love
Some looking to give love

Times have changed

Another pseudo-sex dream

2009-12-29T09:28:00.001-05:00

Ugh.

Haiku for fun

2009-12-22T01:03:00.001-05:00

Girl, don't think with your / vagina. Instead think with / your head. Get it right.

2009-12-17T02:31:00.001-05:00

I go to check my friend's blog to see if she's written anything new. Before the page fully loads I see she hasn't. And before the photo of her last post unblurs itself I try to close the browser. But it's too late. The image of a rainy winter's day in Tel Aviv comes into focus and my heart tightens before I can manage to click a button.

How I try to avoid that image. Because it's too hard for me to face the fact that I might be in NY to stay so I try not to let these reminders of small failure get to me. That I only managed 4 seasons and every time I return it's for the same summer fantasy. That I never could summon the money like I did that first time. That I never could muster the courage to dig out suitcases, passports, clothes for every season, and a smile. That I still look for love even though it's in the wrong places.

See, that one photo evokes too many memories of walking city blocks, back tracking steps just so I could avoid crossing flooded streets. That photo brings me back to survival because I never experienced a winter like that, filled with heart ache from heart break from a relationship that always seemed to be fighting something. And lately I always seem to be fighting myself. One Gemini twin always seems to know what's best and like Rivka's belly my gut tries to pull me in two different directions. And again, stuck at a crossroads. Where will this poem take me. Where will my own destiny take me. And all too often I dream that someday I'll be back walking those flooded streets.

2009-12-15T12:53:00.002-05:00

Last night, in an attempt to induce sleep I pretended my pillow was man
Arm wrapped around it, pillowcase became chest hair as I ran my fingers through it.

This did not help. Instead I thought about my fantasy pillow man. Pretended to lock my leg between his, lay my head on his pillow chest and imagine whose face I would put on his.

Would he gaze at me in my sleep, wake me with soft kisses as I push him away from my fantasy morning breath
Would he bring me coffee in bed, paraphrase newspaper articles, suggest brunch at a quaint warm
cafe I would always be able to eat at in fantasy land

For 15 minutes before I finally dozed off into a dreamless sleep, I contemplated how my fantasy pillow man would fare as a lover and what kind of life partner he would turn out to be

Watching ish like this just makes me really nostalgic

2009-11-20T15:33:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXYDd2vLy24

Just sayin'

2009-11-09T18:11:00.002-05:00

Tug tug, go the heart strings
Question everything, goes the uncertainty
Long for the past, goes the nostalgic memories
Go where it's sunny!, says the Seasonal Affective Disorder

Hush up and go away, says I

2009-10-25T03:06:00.002-04:00

I hate that I miss you and I don't even know why. Oi, you ain't all that. - almost a haiku.

2009-10-24T21:32:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that I am not a fan of douchebags who take photos with their hands in the form of peace signs - American douchebags or otherwise. Looking at photos of said douchebags makes me sick and vomit a little in my mouth. Even when I was 18/19 in college I was able to recognize my disdain for douchebags, although they were tolerable. Now I just find it sad. I don't know why I got so angry, but I just had to make it known that I never liked frat boys from Staten Island who rocked the blow out hairstyle and I never will.

You know you're getting older when

2009-10-16T12:28:00.001-04:00

Exes start getting married.

Because the world is growing ever smaller thanks to the interwebs and the tools they bring us, I know my ex is starting a new chapter of his life. Soon. And I remember when I first found out. It was this numbing kind of shock that left me short of breath and my hands going on first instinct searching for the nearest alcoholic beverage. But then after a while my breathing became regulated again and something happened. I was okay with life going on.

I actually saw him not too long ago at an important place from our past. We were in the same room for hours and didn't say hello. I watched him and listened intently as he made a speech, and realized that this voice that was once so familiar was unrecognizable. And that face that I once wanted to wake up to forever was foreign to me. And then the strangest and most wonderful thing happened. I came to the realization that no matter how confused or in limbo my life might be right now, I'm still happier to know that I'm where I am today and that everything happened just as it did.

It's really weird how the subconscious works. For the past couple of weeks leading up to this moment I've been having dreams around his wedding, some involving friends from different parts of my life, one even involving another ex who in the dream was visiting NY and no one bothered to tell me he was in town.

It's strange, all these new beginnings and people evolving. And still, I'm okay. Almost...happy even.

The whole world's a-twitter

2009-09-15T12:47:00.000-04:00

Social media is all everyone in my world seems to be talking about these days. I even found the once skeptical me obsessed and constantly connected once I installed TwitterBerry for my Crackberry. Now you know what keeps me up at night or occupies me when I can't sleep.

On the one hand, as a professional in the PR world, I understand how valuable a tool social media can be in helping my message and my clients' message reach so many people directly and in real time. Instead of just shooting commercial messages into outerspace there are real opportunities to connect with real people. But the problem is that marketing/PR/social media folk want to connect over every channel available from Flickr and Youtube to Facebook and Twitter. I've been guilty of it myself, tweeting links to Facebook Fan Pages.

But something happens when I'm on the receiving end of these messages. Brands are offering me the right to choose which of 3 options to communicate and receive information. I go with Twitter because that's the tool I am most plugged into (and I not-so-secretly despise Facebook for personal use). I am indirectly telling a brand my preferred method of communication. I am telling a brand which is the best way for them to reach me 24 hours a day. Yet that's not enough. Brands will still request that I become a Fan on Facebook. But how does that help them get their messages across when I opt out of receiving updates from Fan Pages?

I know I will find myself guilty of committing this type of crime in the future, with tweets of Facebook Fan Page links and blog posts of Youtube videos with a Flickr stream asking that they Digg it, but I hope that with every tweet and every video posted the consumer inside me will pay close attention before the professional in me clicks “share” too quickly.

My own Post Secret

2009-09-13T15:48:00.001-04:00

I'm happy I didn't marry you.

(Aren't reunions grand?)

Even my drunk posts sound melancholy?!?

2009-08-16T13:59:00.002-04:00

Oh man. I clearly know how to convey depression even when I'm not depressed. All I was going for in that last post of vodka-and-wine-infused honesty is that I'm enamored with Israel and most likely over New York. Which could be a good thing. You know, like slowly understanding my psyche and getting to the root of my instability as I not so secretly crave a stable life? Totally. Like that.

So anyway, how's everyone doing? Can you believe we're well into August? Soon the chagim will be here and I kinda dread that time because my family isn't religious so my holiday options aren't many and aren't ideal.

I'm in the running for a part-time position...in Philly. Any thoughts? Quit while I'm ahead or split my time between Philly and New York? Looking for advice. Those who know me, please give your advice through more direct means of communication. Thanks and have a glorious week!

My heart isn't in New York

2009-08-14T00:11:00.002-04:00

It doesn't skip a beat like it does in Israel. And I know that New York is one of the best cities in the world - if not the best - but it doesn't make me feel as alive, as abuzz, as I do in Israel. I know, "so just move already," but friends, I'm just not ready. Soon, I feel it, I will be. I can't live with a constant sense of melancholy. I am the Gemini that needs to feel alive. Tonight someone told me that a Rav once said that after you spend an extensive stay in Israel and you leave, a part of your soul is left in Israel. Well that makes sense to me. That explains the overwhelming sensation that I'm not meant to be here. I know I will figure it out eventually in my own time, but for now just please appreciate that America isn't for me just like it's not for you. Home doesn't call to me in this accent. No, home tastes like honey and even if it feels like pushing in lines and aggression, I'm willing to fight to show that it doesn't have to be that way. Instead I want to live my life with every atom abuzz, every movement alight. I want to be where the rest of my soul is.

My fantasy haiku

2009-07-20T04:11:00.000-04:00

My fantasy is
To show up at your door and
Punch you in the face

The Killers will get me through it

2009-06-30T06:14:00.000-04:00

A stranger in a strange land

2009-06-26T09:32:00.002-04:00

I feel like a chameleon in that I can slip back to New York or Tel Aviv with such ease. There's no shock to the body. Not a wink of jetlag. I automatically feel at home in either place, street corners evoking memories of a younger me.

Visiting kiosks, restaurants, shops, I am greeted by familiar faces, some who remember me instantly. To some I leave a carbon footprint subtly etched in their memory, perhaps left to think I look familiar but can't recall from where. It's comforting, this feeling that nothing really changes and every visit is a homecoming.

Then there's the contrast riding the way to the Central Bus Station, which has always seemed so foreign to me. I feel like an outsider, not quite understanding what goes on in this place. The way the shopkeepers seem so different with a way of thinking that is so unlike anywhere else.

Or Jerusalem. The one city which never seems to speak to me. Maybe it's because I've never quite opened my arms and my heart to her. Maybe because I've always felt like the odd Jew out. A stranger in a strange land, not being able to wrap my mind around all the different hats and clothes and what they mean. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin, never wanting to offend the people of Oh Jerusalem, never wanting to offend the shekhinah that resides in her walls, watching over us, over me.

And no matter how many times I whisper requests for spiritual epiphanies, nothing seems to come no matter how long I wait. Jerusalem of my mind, if only we could reach that point of coming together. If I wear the right clothes maybe you'll show me the light.

This is called "I need to get this off my chest" aka the blog I wrote but had to re-write because it deleted itself

2009-06-18T14:21:00.004-04:00

Since I got here it seems like a dark cloud of drama has been following me. On Day 2 - not even 24 hours in Israel - we had the experience that felt more like a break-up than anything we ever had. The moment that ends everything. And now I've lost my friend.

On Day 6 I found out that my uncle died on Day 5. And I'm really angry because I lost my best friend and I can't just pick up the phone like I normally would. And I'm really angry because I've cried more in this past week than I have in 2009 thus far. I'm not normally an emotional person and the bigger things tend not to get to me but this time it's different. And sometimes I start shaking with anger just thinking about it.

Today, amidst Jerusalem madness, walking down torn-up streets I felt like I wanted to re-commit myself to this place. This place that doesn't necessarily make me feel more holy but makes me feel more alive. Today I felt normal, and I just want to be normal.

My wise friend told me that it's okay to admit that you're lost and don't know where you're going in life. So here goes: I'm lost and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.

So even though all I know is that I'm lost, at least that's something I know.

I want to write something so badly

2009-05-07T15:24:00.004-04:00

Like how I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Like sometimes I want to love the one I'm with and sometimes I really do love the one I'm with. I don't know where I'm headed but all signs seem to point to home. And home is where the heart is. Or where I left my heart. No, I didn't leave it in San Francisco, but once upon a time I left it in New York before I left it in Tel Aviv before I brought it back to New York, took it to London, brought it back, took it to Tel Aviv again and maybe - just maybe - even left a tiny piece in Jerusalem. Are you sufficiently confused yet? Good. Welcome to my life.

I miss simpler times spent crying over boys and drinking to oblivion while chain smoking till the wee hours. I miss holding hands on the beach. I miss hugs. Lots of hugs. Because everyone seems to be so far away these days and why can't I be far away too? I need sunshine and water like beautiful flowers need to grow. I need kisses and beauty and art and sunshine. Lots of sunshine. And sand between my toes. Basically I need you. All of you.

Alright

2009-04-17T07:51:00.001-04:00

So let's just say Montreal gave me some weird ass dreams. I dreamt I wished my ex's fiance mazal tov in a smaller scale Grand Central Station after seeing him and his parents from afar and being embarrassed for using a payphone. I dreamt I saw her on a sunny street where she didn't recognize me and instead spoke to me depending on the kindness of strangers and I stole something that was once in Iran. I dreamt something I won't describe here but it was real and made my heart rush from adrenaline.

And then there were the nights this past week where I couldn't sleep from excitement. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than 2 weeks in Israel. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than one month in Israel. I almost don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it but I have big thoughts big plans and they definitely involve working out of Tel Aviv cafes and breakfast on the beach. Or wherever the heck http://www.sabraheart.blogspot.com/ hangs out and gets those waffles. Thoughts like these (and others) make my heart a-flutter and I can hardly contain my excitement. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. B'ezrat Hashem I hope to have more deets in these coming weeks. In the meanwhile I will soak up the sun in between performances in sunny Florida and pretend I am looking down the tayelet towards Yaffo.

How is it already half-way through March?

2009-03-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Where does the time go? Well, I'm still waiting for Spring to come but in the meantime my leggings underneath jeans keep me warm and nostalgia for places I have no real loyalties warm my heart. For the past few days I have become increasingly filled with longing for London. It's amazing what lasting impression a short stay can leave on a person. Well Brits, know that your lovely little city left me wanting more even if you don't.

I have been having odd nightmares lately. For those (15 of you reading) who don't know, I have picked up a hip-hop group as my very first client as an independent publicist. We are throwing an album release party this coming Saturday night and I am tasked with ensuring we get some media to attend. As this is my first attempt at music publicity, and while I love Mos Def as much as the next person, I am no hip-hop head and this is all very new to me. I had to call my client very after-hours to check in, more for myself, to make sure they are happy with my work thus far. Truthfully, I'm nervous. And that nervousness has manifested itself in my dreams. One nightmare kept waking me as Google alerts, press releases and e-mails swirled through my head.

Yesterday my Shabbos nap turned into a daymare as I dreamt I lost my laptop and my client files weren't backed up. I panicked that I would have to start my media lists from scratch and would have to search through old e-mails. Am I too vested in my work? That wasn't all; I realized I lost my laptop while in a Judaism class I was taking, apparently in addition to my copyediting class which I really am taking in reality. The professor wrote a note for me on one of my assignments asking me if I was working for a Hillel or something and asked why I was taking the class. How could I have even crafted an answer when media lists were controlling my brain and I had a virtual crisis?

Well, today I am speaking some Hebrew phrases on the concept of passing time over a track my friend/client is recording. Pretty nifty huh? Maybe I am entering a whole new stage of life, or something like that. I still need to motivate to find a full-time gig. But it's so wonderful that my show is in an open-ended run and we are traveling once a month. South Beach, here we come! And Chicago too. Maybe Israel can even be in the cards?

2009-03-09T02:06:00.003-04:00

I just want to let you know that even though I've been quiet, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say. I still have odd dreams where certain people appear. I still am wondering what the eff I am to do with my life. The show I'm in is going quite well b"h. We will be taking our show on the road and performing in some warmer cities this and next month. I'm very excited about the prospect of being on a beach but that just means I need to get my butt to the gym.

The job I had my heart set on didn't work out. C'est la vie. I have taken on a solo PR project. I am repping a hip-hop group. It's different. They're talented so that makes things easier on me.

I'm tired so that's all I am saying for now but I am happy to finally have said something. Sorry for being so quiet. Chag Purim sameach xx

MTA Haiku

2009-02-15T16:40:00.002-05:00

Every weekend
Construction, it never fails
Why, MTA, why?

My dreams are getting strange!

2009-02-09T10:20:00.002-05:00

Seriously. I dreamt many many things including a play called the Gospel Plays where one scene included a parody of the Obamas! Another included my friend and I trying to run for a bus we never caught. Then it morphed into me spending Shabbat dinner with my engaged ex's mom and younger brother who, normally devout and sincere in his Judaism, was texting! Then I was suddenly seated on a windowsill in a NYC apartment next to said ex's fiance talking about how she was a convert. That segueyed to me walking down NYC streets with ex's mom who was so upset because her son was marrying a convert and not me. WEIRD. Can't I just dream that I can fly?

My dreams just keep getting more interesting

2009-02-04T09:56:00.004-05:00

So a few weeks ago I had a dream about a religious friend of mine from college. I haven't seen him in real life since his wedding almost 2 years ago. In my dream we were just hanging out, shooting the sh-t. He was even wearing a black hat to match his white shirt and black pants. In my dream he told me that his wife was pregnant with twins and from her first pregnancy she also delivered twins.

I tend to be right about dreams like this. I also tend to never see my friend on-line, so of course I practically attacked him when I saw his name pop up on my computer screen. I told him all about my dream and while he said he "couldn't say about twins..." his wife is expecting around Pesach (b'shaah tova)! Yeah, I know. I'm kinda like a modern day prophetess, so watch out if I have any dreams about YOU.

A couple of weeks later I had a dream about an ex boyfriend. The only details I can remember is that we were sitting on the subway together and he had a clear box of small pastries - one definitely looked like the napoleans I used to bring on Shabbat for his parents. My clear box had six small cupcakes with frosting and different colored sprinkles on top. We ate our baked goods and chatted like old times, like we haven't done in probably 5 years. And when I woke up...I felt...so good! So content because it was really nice catching up with him. Weird, right? But it felt so real.

A week or two later I had a dream about another, most recent, ex. Unfortunately it has slipped my memory because last night I had another dream about him. I was also left feeling content like the way you feel when you've caught up with an old friend. Last night's dream was a bit different. Something about his laptop - it was having some issues (much like mine is having in real life), and we were going to the supermarket because we were cooking but I think we had some issues trying to find some kosher items. Still, it was really nice to see you :)

In other news, technology is just not on my side lately. I am having a lot of issues. My laptop keeps overheating and randomly shutting down so I need to send it out to be serviced, which means I'll be laptop-less for about a week once I ship it out. Last night my phone sorta broke and it won't recognize that the charger is plugged in and I currently have one bar of battery left. So that means it's a trip to Verizon today! Awesome.

I have a huge interview slated and I'm so excited about it I get butterflies when I think about it. It feels good to be excited for a job because I haven't felt like this since September.

I've been on a cooking trip lately. Yesterday I made malawach which became fatoot when I added an egg and cheese to it. And then of course I had to eat it with sour cream and schug, israeli salad and yogurt. That's not too fat kid is it? And then I got hungry late last night and decided to make a stir fry, adding honey and brown sugar to my teriyaki sauce. YUMMMMM. Tonight I shall attempt goat cheese empanadas. Maybe I should go to the gym to burn off come calories in advance...

I do have more to write about. Much more, in fact. But I've gotta get on with my day. Mucho mucho love-o xx

I Lego NY

2009-02-03T13:19:00.000-05:00

http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego-ny/

Apparently I'm a white person

2009-02-03T11:23:00.002-05:00

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/01/11/120-taking-a-year-off/

#120 Taking a Year Off
January 11, 2009 by clander

When someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering. Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks vacation and every statutory holiday ("they don't count because I had to spend them with family.")

Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be "accomplishments" many white people view them as burdens. As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to "take a year off" to travel, volunteer, or work abroad.

It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel (see Post #19 for reasons why). Generally, they will start off with a set amount of money that will use to travel for as long as possible. This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken street vendor about a $2 dollar plate of food.

If you work with this person, be sure to give them a FAKE email address on their last day on the job or you will be inundated with emails about spiritual enlightenment and how great the food is compared to similar restaurants back home. Also, within the first five days following departure, this person will come up with the idea to write a book about their travel experience. Sadly, more books about mid-twenties white people traveling have been written than have been read.

Some of the more enterprising white people will extend their time off by working abroad as a bartender, ski lift operator, or english teacher. Their stories, emails, and publishing plans will be identical to the previous white person but will include additional stories about working and complaints about "tourists."

Finally, there is the white person who takes a year off to volunteer at home or abroad. Though they are equally likely to write long emails about their experience, these people are often using the experience as an excellent resume pad for their application to law school. This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education.

Regardless of how a white person chooses to spend their year off, they all share the same goal of becoming more interesting to other people. Sadly, the people who find these stories interesting are other white people who are politely listening until they can tell their own, more interesting story about taking a year off.

Thankfully, there is an enormous opportunity for personal gain. You see, whenever a white person takes a year off it opens up a valuable apartment, job opportunity or admissions slot. Consider it to be the most pretentious form of affirmative action.

2009-01-19T01:27:00.003-05:00

I want to be able to write like this girl. Bring mundane dailies to life with a click of the keys and a flick of my finger. Invest myself in myself. But while I talk excitedly with certain friends who dig as we burn burn burn into the NYC night, it is difficult to find those moments ever-present when alone. Do you dig?

See, my hippie-in-crime and I send each other poetry in the form of Jack Kerouac Dharma Bums quotes left on voicemail, or while discussing the impact of The Killers "Human" on the world via virtual communication while we are both surrounded by friends and the constant buzzing of populated cities - the white noise that won't seem to stop and yet we still find poetry within it.

Years ago we used to sit in smoky hookah bars and get high on a lack of oxygen, alcohol and the Ever-present Being as we would talk for hours wrapped in the dim and din of those caves. Passing hookah hose along with favorite quotes, admitting that yes, "sometimes the light's all shining on me, other times I can hardly see" but that is the beauty of life. That even the Grateful Dead were connected enough to know that the Light of Hashem is so powerful it can be blinding. How we would admire our every day heroes until it was time to "just catch the next bus" until we'd reach the time to catch the last and say that if only we lived in the city we could stay up until sunrise. Continue talking about the Rebbe's potential to be moshiach or what steps we are taking to ensure the most spiritual growth possible.

We wanted to be stars bursting on the night sky. We wanted to be a revival of the beat generation. We wanted to be Kerouac and Ginsberg reincarnate. We wanted to be ourselves, present in every moment which would become the Now happening over and over and over again if you would only allow yourself to tune in enough. Now. Did you feel it? Now. This moment - can you feel it? And how we would try to immerse every ounce of our being so that the moment would swallow us whole like a lotus.

If there was ever a teacher with a larger curriculum, well, I've yet to meet her.

My friend, my hippie-in-crime, my soul brotha,' the man who cried the day James Brown died, the man who spent a lifetime learning about legends, creates his own greatness and then aspires to be it. And I, well, I try not to feel too alone on this journey. Try not to get too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Remember that there's a world out there that wants to swallow me whole in all kinds of ways if only I let it.

And every time he asks me to meet him, I know it's on the corner. The problem is trying to figure out which but no matter. Because either way, under every night sky in every country and every parallel universe we will always burn burn burn because that is the only way we know how to truly live. . .

Cool men's lifestyle site

2009-01-14T15:26:00.002-05:00

Enjoy and you're welcome.

I will not allow my emotions to control me

2009-01-12T14:18:00.001-05:00

This may be my new mantra. In addition to "f*ck freelance."

Lykke Li

2009-01-08T08:34:00.001-05:00

http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=NhiutK72JW4

New Year's came and went

2009-01-05T00:53:00.002-05:00

And it wasn't that bad. I held a friend's hand during the countdown, my eyes shut tight, my mouth repeating "I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready yet." 3...2...1...Happy New Year! My eyes opened and suddenly there it was - 2009 right in front of me.

Time doesn't stop no matter how badly we beg it to. So it's with this that I need to make every moment count. Realize that memories are left where they were made - in the past - and I need to look towards the future.

My wishes for 2009 are filled with prayers for peace in the holy land, and love and good vibes for those I hold dear in my heart no matter how near or far.

Is my blog space really that sad?

2008-12-30T16:44:00.003-05:00

A friend pointed out today that my blog is so sad! I can understand that I tend to take this solemn tone when I'm nostalgic and longing for years of my youth, but I promise I am not depressed - at least not right now - and when I have more positive things to report I will let you know. But most of those things are too private :)

And this is what I remember

2008-12-28T18:05:00.002-05:00

New Year's two years ago, balancing friends, a then-boyfriend, and in between comforting a mourning friend we met. You don't remember that moment, when you told me your name and I said "oh so you're _______," like I had heard so much about you and it was a pleasure to finally meet.

When in fact you probably heard more about me, the American who "wasn't like the other girls," you would later decide that it was time to get to know me better. State your intentions. Ever the English gentleman.

New Year's two years ago in the middle of the countdown my then-boyfriend frantically searching for my face, asking the night, "Where's my girlfriend?" I reappeared just in time for our New Year's kiss. How laughable that we place such importance on that one moment in time when weeks later our relationship ran its course. Would it have made a difference if that kiss had been spared?

I don't want a New Year's kiss unless it's with someone I love. Because it's almost 2009 and I'm still trying to figure out what happened to 2007. Wondering how different and beautiful my 2008 would have been. Remembering all the great expectations we placed on this year, 2008 I will kiss you goodbye - slowly and bitter-sweet. You never did live up to your promises.

I'd like to make an observation

2008-12-27T23:02:00.002-05:00

Some of the craziest people are in NY and most of them just might be in this starbucks...

2008-12-24T02:15:00.002-05:00

I am trying to write you a letter. I am failing miserably. This is because I want to tell you 5 things at the same time and don't know where to start. I wish you were here. Because then there would be no need for this letter. And if you were here, well, I'd have another reason to smile.

Somewhere in another time zone I had a best friend. If you see him, tell him when his hair is getting too long.

Yes

2008-12-22T13:36:00.001-05:00

Gray Or Blue - Jaymay

I had a dream about you last night

2008-12-19T16:22:00.002-05:00

It was so vivid and felt so real, like I actually believed we were hanging out together again. And you looked so good, it was so great to see you - I even said that in my dream - like we were old friends who were reuniting after some time spent apart.

Of course the setting is Israel, in a hall and the event felt like a wedding however the celebration was only in honor of you. And when I got there, it felt like I belonged. Your friends were wearing light blue t-shirts with cute, possibly Zionistic, statements reminiscent of an American bar mitzvah. We laughed, I think we danced. You led me around and I was so ecstatic to be there. I like to believe that you were thinking of me in those moments I was dreaming. Like you willed us to be together, even if it was in a parallel universe - the only one where we can be together.

I wish I could tell this to only you, so that you would take my sentiment as sincere. But I still feel like I'm treading shallow water, walking on eggshells, any saying that will let you know I'm insecure.

I wish so many things had happened differently. I wish I could only say them out loud. To you. Alas, the Sabbath beckons me nearer, and I hope to meet you again tonight in a parallel universe that is our own.

A Man Without a Country

2008-12-16T19:23:00.002-05:00

"Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

-- Kurt Vonnegut

I want

2008-12-15T12:06:00.002-05:00

Bookcases
Painted walls
The feeling I get when I see you holding a baby

Sandwich and waffle makers
Homemade pancakes on Sundays
Coffee in bed

Black & white and color photo montages mounted on my walls
Order to differentiate from the chaos
Candles to be lit
Wax drip overflowing

I want you
To remember what it felt like to be in love
To run into the ocean
Crash into the waves harder than they crash into you
To laugh loudly and so hard your belly hurts

I want someone to dance with in the kitchen
and sing with in the shower
To want to hold my hair when I'm sick
but allow me to push away

I want you
To remind me why this started in the first place
Help me actualize every dream I ever had
Bring childhood hope and adolescent passion into an adult awakening

2008-12-10T10:04:00.002-05:00

Today I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much my heart hurts. I can feel the ache in the hole in place of where you once stood. I don't know if we will ever understand the kind of love we had, or resolve it or be able to put it on a shelf only to return to it later. This may be the end of our saga.

I know nothing except that I have been left out in the darkness. Sometimes I sit here, waiting for you to turn the light on and let me in.

2008-12-09T07:57:00.002-05:00

I see your name everywhere. I still think it's beautiful.

Today I put your earrings on and try to remember a piece of you. I still hope you are well.

Let your ears find love

2008-12-07T18:03:00.003-05:00

late to you on blue line - Kevin Coval

http://www.myspace.com/melekyonin

It is December

2008-12-07T14:38:00.002-05:00

It is December and all I can think about is hibernating all winter spent in front of a lit fireplace huddling together over cups of hot cocoa keeping warm, warming our love, listening to music, watching movies, cooking meals that will sustain us, holding hands, waking in bed together, tip-toeing to the kitchen on frozen floor boards to make coffee. It is December and I am remembering that we have never spent one together.

Butterflies

2008-12-03T18:17:00.001-05:00

I don't know what this means
but I do know that feeling this way
is better than not

Purpose, timing and projects

2008-12-03T07:40:00.003-05:00

Today my eyes opened around 7am. This is an incredible concept to me for a couple of reasons: 1. because lately my body just craves a lot of sleep, 2. I fell asleep around 2am after watching an episode of Coupling and Gavin & Stacey on BBCA, and 3. because these days I tend to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed before 10am.

But today was a little different. I have a lunch date and even though it doesn't occur until 2, well, I guess I wanted to be prepared. Put my best foot forward. So as I tip-toed out of bed after I came to terms with the fact that I was awake before 1pm, I realized I had a sick, sleeping roommate on the couch and had to tip-toe even more. Just my luck that when I want to make a cup of coffee at 7:15am I need to be mindful of the noise that washing my favorite coffee mug and putting on the kettle bring.

In other news, I have decided to take on a little project of mine. I have decided that I need to write more poetry no matter how big or small. So for every day of this month, I am attempting to actually set aside the time to write a new poem. For the 7 of you who are actually reading this, I'd like to ask a little favor. If you think of a topic - even if it's about eating avocados on Wednesdays - let me know via the various methods of contact. I'm open!

I had a dream last night

2008-11-30T03:11:00.001-05:00

It involved Glasgow and a wedding gift. I don't remember the bride but I think I was in Israel.

Is this from anyone we know?

2008-11-26T17:58:00.004-05:00

Europe's calling my name

2008-11-16T14:36:00.002-05:00

I don't know why but I have this constant urge, this itch I can't scratch, to go off to Europe for a while. There's just so much of the world I haven't seen and I keep getting this sensation that tells me "lech lecha" - go and see the world. Now! Something's tugging at me and I'd really like to go wherever it pulls me.

I have this fantastic vision

2008-11-12T13:23:00.003-05:00

I start in Israel, take a boat to Greece and travel through the islands for 5 days. Move on to Italy and fall in love with Roma. Have a dance party in front of the Colosseum. Move on to Barcelona. Catch a football game or two. Eat some arroz con pollo because I'm not so adventurous, or amazing fish and figs.

I'd like to ride a bike in Amsterdam and remember why Van Gogh is so wonderful. Go to Prague because I haven't been there since high school and visit the place where we got lost and then found ourselves. I suppose I'd have to go to France because, well, I'd have to go to France. I'd write in cafes, drink coffee, eat pastries, smoke cigarettes and imagine my life in black and white.

I'd like to spend a couple of months in London but I don't know why. How much time can you spend riding the tube afterall, while envisioning a scene from The Rules of Attraction.

2008-11-12T00:22:00.001-05:00

Who knew one episode of the new and terrible 90210 could bring me back to 2001....

Just a typical night in NYC

2008-11-09T02:17:00.005-05:00

It was just another typical night in NYC which began with kosher wine at the Hadag Nachash concert, ending in watching Chabadnikim of the Rebbe as Messiah persuasion dance around Union Square to celebrate the new moon. Only in New York right? It's really satisfying to know that 2 weeks in a row I spent having a genuinely enjoyable Saturday night instead of trying to chase after the Saturday nights of my early 20s.

Saul Williams makes my lady parts tingle

2008-11-05T01:53:00.001-05:00

Oh to be the harmonica that touched Bob Dylan's lips!

2008-10-31T02:30:00.002-04:00

To be the guitar strings that touched his fingers. The sunglasses that shielded his eyes. To be Joan Baez singing It Ain't Me, Babe. To be the comb that touched his hair. Oh to be the harmonica that touched Bob Dylan's lips!

2008-10-29T00:04:00.002-04:00

I'm really proud of myself. I've been writing a lot more lately. I've got some good things in the works. Got some interviews lined up. Got a writing test I should be taking right now instead of playing on the computer. I'm also really becoming a huge fan of cinnamon. I need to learn to just say no when asked for my phone number. Or at least have a fake one I can default to. Or have the balls to say, "while I would love to offer that information, quite frankly I have no intention of adding another male to my friend pool, and I'm just not that into you." Looking forward to getting this writing test over with so that I can get back to what my creativity wants to write about.

Smile like you mean it

2008-10-27T15:31:00.003-04:00

So being unemployed leaves me with a lot of time to apply for jobs, go to the gym at my leisure, and stay in bed and watch TV. When I was dealing with my recent bout of insomnia I was catching up on old episodes of 90210 - which I'd just like to say are still quite enjoyable and much more entertaining than the new 90210, despite the scene alluding to oral sex occuring in a car in the school parking lot.

Anyway, today it's catching up on The O.C. in between job applications and online conversations. This is the episode where I would have loved The Killers after one listen had I actually watched the show back in 2004. Instead, I was too busy enjoying my time as a new graduate and going to the gym after work, or shiurim or smoking hookah and drinking with my friends crashing on couches or arriving in Queens at 1am. Ah to be young again with such stamina.

Instead I fell in love with The Killers at the same time that I fell in love with the Arctic Monkeys. It was spring riding the cusp of summer where I would find myself many times alone in a Tel Aviv office on Achad Haam after my boss would be too busy cavorting with who knows, possibly toking on the beach while I was cooped up indoors left to my own devices. Which became playing with Hype Machine and blasting my playlists while having dance parties as I updated online news content. I used to rock out hard. And sometimes have sneaky cigarettes on the balcony with, at most times, the only other person in the office. We would make jewelry out of paper clips and talk about life and my constant regret and confusion and uncertainty and love for the country. We'd talk about other things as well but that's not for here.

But back to The Killers. And the Arctic Monkeys. And 2006. It was a really good year and I wish I could re-live many of those moments. So typical of the Gemini. Just when I think I am sinking so low that I am almost at rock bottom, I somehow see a silver lining and happily remember how hard I smile and dance when spring cusps summer.

Insomnia go away

2008-10-26T10:37:00.002-04:00

I have been up all night. It sucks royally. Except for the manicure I gave myself at 7:30am and the catch-up friend time I had between 5:30am and now.

I know that I say I can't cry, but sometimes the most random things make me want to break down. Like commercials about weddings. Songs that friend's siblings have written for them. Photos of people in love. I dunno, it just tugs on my heart strings.

I would really like to fall asleep tonight. Any suggestions?