8/14/12

Dear Self,
Remember everything.
Remember everything like each day is your last
Or first
Remember places
Etch the images of venues from your past in your brain
They may not be here when you come back
To this city that is forever changing
It will never be the same
And neither will you
But for now all you can do is remember
For the next 2 weeks, as long as you're here
Remember
It's the only way to be in the moment
It's the only way to conquer denial
Remember
Because you don't actually want to leave
Write as many poems for Brooklyn until your fingers bleed verse
Or until you feel release
Sweet, sweet release
And then comes peace
And the ease will creep in

But before that, buy every cliched Brooklyn poster
Every rap name diagram
Every t-shirt you see that says I <3 NY
Every mug that will bring comfort on hot middle eastern mornings
Or in the winter season
When you are safe from snow storms
Just remember to pack your wellies
Kiss plows goodbye
Write a sonnet for the F train
A haiku for Gowanus
Spill a drink for my bicycle
I never thought love like this was possible

I'm making myself feel feelings
I stay sober most of the time
Call it preparation for longing
It will come when most and least expected
On the plane I'll sob
I'll want to turn back
But turning back would be like living life in reverse
And I want to move forward again

Thirty can feel like the end of life
But for now I see it as rebirth
This decade is the one that screams change
What better place to turn to than the city that makes me feel alive
Sometimes
Not last time
I don't mind
Tel Aviv, we'll drink like old lovers
Stumble home together after last call
The taste of whiskey and cigarettes on our breath
We'll toast to old times
And cheers to new beginnings

Realization

Dealing with the Israeli government is like a child doing what his parents say and then being punished for it.

Broken

There are some people whose Zionism is stronger than my will. They will persevere even when doors are slammed in their faces.

Today I was told I have nothing. I took on the Israeli persona because that was the only way to get through to him. It took this "shaliach" over a month to tell me definitively what I'd been fearfully expecting. After I spoke sternly, demanded details, called him out on not doing his job, I felt...exhausted. Like I had sobbed for an hour. That release only mournful tears can bring.

Today I feel broken. Tomorrow I will put the pieces together. I am not the first to suffer this struggle and I will not be the last. If I have nothing, then I don't need to prove myself anymore. Israeli or not, I just am.

Israel, you make it so hard to love you

I haven't even moved yet. Haven't packed up my stuff, gotten on a plane, and settled in a new home before fighting with your people. Which if I remember correctly I've been told since my Birthright trip are my people. I haven't even gone to a supermarket so why am I fighting with your people?!

It seems that because my father's Israeli I have more to prove. You wanted me when I didn't want you and now that I do you're making me crawl back. My ID is good enough to claim me as your own, but now when I want what I'm told is rightfully mine I can't have it. Why were my friends allowed to work in your offices without promising you their children?

I had 5 months of benefits, but you'll tell me I lived in your home for over a year. Your home. Which I've been told is my home. But I have to prove it. Do you want me to take you to my great-grandparents' home? Show you where my grandmother was raised? Where my father used to ride his bike, pick bamboo by the Yarkon to make kites?

Maybe I am being whiney about this. But maybe I'm also being told two different stories from each person I talk to. Talk to this agency. No that one. No the global one. No the local one. You need all your documents in person. We don't have them online. Apply to this agency and tell them the truth. Why did you tell them the truth? Didn't you know they'd reject you? Tell me your story again? Are both your parents Israeli? You made aliyah and left after 5 months? Oh no, you used up 12 months of benefits. Don't worry, you'll get a free flight. Who told you you'd get a free flight? You might not even get anything. You're a citizen. Just come and go as you please. Prove that you lived in New York. We want you. We don't care. Are you doing this aliyah thing?

I just want to get on a plane and come home. My entire adulthood I've been told that Israel is my home and the Jewish people are my family. Why are you casting me aside like a forgotten daughter?

Israel, you make it so hard to love you

I haven't even moved yet. Haven't packed up my stuff, gotten on a plane, and settled in a new home before fighting with your people. Which if I remember correctly I've been told since my Birthright trip are my people. I haven't even gone to a supermarket so why am I fighting with your people?!

It seems that because my father's Israeli I have more to prove. You wanted me when I didn't want you and now that I do you're making me crawl back. My ID is good enough to claim me as your own, but now when I want what I'm told is rightfully mine I can't have it. Why were my friends allowed to work in your offices without promising you their children?

I had 5 months of benefits, but you'll tell me I lived in your home for over a year. Your home. Which I've been told is my home. But I have to prove it. Do you want me to take you to my great-grandparents' home? Show you where my grandmother was raised? Where my father used to ride his bike, pick bamboo by the Yarkon to make kites?

Maybe I am being whiney about this. But maybe I'm also being told two different stories from each person I talk to. Talk to this agency. No that one. No the global one. No the local one. You need all your documents in person. We don't have them online. Apply to this agency and tell them the truth. Why did you tell them the truth? Didn't you know they'd reject you? Tell me your story again? Are both your parents Israeli? You made aliyah and left after 5 months? Oh no, you used up 12 months of benefits. Don't worry, you'll get a free flight. Who told you you'd get a free flight? You might not even get anything. You're a citizen. Just come and go as you please. Prove that you lived in New York. We want you. We don't care. Are you doing this aliyah thing?

I just want to get on a plane and come home. My entire adulthood I've been told that Israel is my home and the Jewish people are my family. Why are you casting me aside like a forgotten daughter?

7/18/12

Dear Brooklyn,
I'll miss you
Dear F train,
You'll always be my favorite
Dear Gowanus,
I love you. Don't ever let them tell you you're too dirty
Dear 3rd avenue,
You're my best on nighttime bike rides
Dear Williamsburg,
I never gave you a real chance
For that I'm sorry
Maybe we'll meet in your next incarnation
Dear New York,
I love you and you're not bringing me down
Dear poets with babies,
Thank you for showing me that life needs to move on
Dear Bowery Poetry Club,
Thank you for shaping an adolescent me
Dear Tel Aviv,
If we meet in the way we should, you have a lot to live up to
While you'll never be in another's shadows, I hope our love can grow again

My county is sick

It's not feeling well
Hasn't been for a while

Every time I speak to an Israeli I feel like my guard has to be up
This constant fight is exhausting
It's like they want me to hate living there before I've arrived

Today a man burned himself alive
In protest of a government that failed him
He didn't use enough gasoline
He'll probably survive
And then what kind of life will he live?
Unemployed, suffered a stroke, and now third degree burns
He already moved to Haifa to avoid the expense of the city
Where else will he go?

Did we fail him?
Is this the new trend in government protest for social change?