I'm too pretty to be eating dinner alone

I've decided and I'm sticking to it. This was an exercise in commitment and resilience. No more! While I can pay for my own dinner, if I'm eating alone let it be in the comfort of my own home!

When I imagine us we shine like stars exploding on the night sky canvas singing "holy holy holy." Today I realized 613 = 1 and it all made sense.

Saturday night I drunkenly fell asleep clutching a bowl of popcorn. That is all.

Today I did the unthinkable

I convinced myself to sign up for Jdate. After less than 24 hours of using it, I'd like my money back. Most of the men who have messaged me are overweight, short, unattractive, and/or bald. Oh, and a couple are extra socially awkward and have proceeded to insult me WHILE complimenting me! "You're really pretty, but why else should I be interested in you?" Um, maybe for all the lovely reasons stated in my fucking profile I wasted 30 minutes of my life agonizing over, Mr. 40-year-old divorced, bald, modern orthodox man. Why don't YOU tell ME why I even bothered responding to you with "I think my neshama shines more than my outward appearance."

I think it's safe to say my soul mate is not on Jdate. I have yet to find a kosher keeping, shabbat loving, music appreciating hipster who can kick my ass at the gym while quoting poetry to me on or offline. I will give this thing an honest week. Dear G-d give me the strength to ignore the crazies.

I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. Quite doubtful.

Another year, another day, another dollar

I want to chalk up today's lackluster feelings of melancholy to prolonged sleep deprivation. Channahboo called to serenade me a happy birthday song and tears came to my eyes. I blame exhaustion for my emotions.

When I was 16 I dreaded my birthday. I remember thinking 18 was old and getting depressed just from trying to envision such a number. Now 30 is the new 18 (possibly in more ways than one?).

I wore sweats all day, masked my sadness with happiness for others, appreciating young love, defiantly refusing to be bitter. No, I am not that kind of friend.

Today has seen the light of 3 international phone calls, 4 voices serenading me, countless messages, and the realization that for the first time in years I did not receive flowers on my birthday. Maybe that's what you get when you push away every man who has ever loved you so much without reason that they envision arising with you every morning. It took me an hour just to motivate myself to make coffee. I can't remember the last time I felt so alone. (Our conversation does not go unappreciated.)

Maybe I should have read tehillim, or went to the gym straight away. Maybe I should have put on a pretty dress and made up my face. I leave that for tomorrow. Let this weekend wash away all of last month's stress. Am I allowed to be selfish now? Am I allowed to find love? What have I been chasing after for the past 3 years...?