7/8/10

My phone buzzes and I hope it's him. A generic him. Could be anyone at this point. Anyone could be the love of my life at this point. And I don't mean it in a way that's like settling. Just that at this age and this stage of the game, the man of your dreams is either the guy you've known for years or the boy you haven't met yet.

I look for love in all the wrong places. I stop looking. The wrong ones find me. I stop being found. I hide. I get curious. I start to look again. I wish I never looked in the first place. I want to stop looking. I feel myself changing. I hate what I am turning into. I'm becoming like everyone else. Sometimes I can smell the desperation on myself. It's sour. Sometimes I taste bitter when I wish I tasted like my lover's kisses. But I don't have a lover. I left lovers in the past. I always seem to be leaving. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I fear karma. I fear the day I'll be left. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I always leave all the time. Always. I'm sorry.

I am day dreaming of backyard barbecues in summer. Washing dishes while watching my kin through the window. They are golden, and their father is our hero. He holds the sun in his smile, stars in his eyes, fire in his belly and only has love in his heart. He is as tall as trees sometimes, and protects us like his arms are an umbrella bear hug.

This is all fantasy that may or may not prove itself to be true as days turn to weeks to months to years, but I know I can put myself in the moment for but a moment and find that truth feels like a beautiful summer day from the comfort of your kitchen.