8/14/12

Dear Self,
Remember everything.
Remember everything like each day is your last
Or first
Remember places
Etch the images of venues from your past in your brain
They may not be here when you come back
To this city that is forever changing
It will never be the same
And neither will you
But for now all you can do is remember
For the next 2 weeks, as long as you're here
Remember
It's the only way to be in the moment
It's the only way to conquer denial
Remember
Because you don't actually want to leave
Write as many poems for Brooklyn until your fingers bleed verse
Or until you feel release
Sweet, sweet release
And then comes peace
And the ease will creep in

But before that, buy every cliched Brooklyn poster
Every rap name diagram
Every t-shirt you see that says I <3 NY
Every mug that will bring comfort on hot middle eastern mornings
Or in the winter season
When you are safe from snow storms
Just remember to pack your wellies
Kiss plows goodbye
Write a sonnet for the F train
A haiku for Gowanus
Spill a drink for my bicycle
I never thought love like this was possible

I'm making myself feel feelings
I stay sober most of the time
Call it preparation for longing
It will come when most and least expected
On the plane I'll sob
I'll want to turn back
But turning back would be like living life in reverse
And I want to move forward again

Thirty can feel like the end of life
But for now I see it as rebirth
This decade is the one that screams change
What better place to turn to than the city that makes me feel alive
Sometimes
Not last time
I don't mind
Tel Aviv, we'll drink like old lovers
Stumble home together after last call
The taste of whiskey and cigarettes on our breath
We'll toast to old times
And cheers to new beginnings

Realization

Dealing with the Israeli government is like a child doing what his parents say and then being punished for it.

Broken

There are some people whose Zionism is stronger than my will. They will persevere even when doors are slammed in their faces.

Today I was told I have nothing. I took on the Israeli persona because that was the only way to get through to him. It took this "shaliach" over a month to tell me definitively what I'd been fearfully expecting. After I spoke sternly, demanded details, called him out on not doing his job, I felt...exhausted. Like I had sobbed for an hour. That release only mournful tears can bring.

Today I feel broken. Tomorrow I will put the pieces together. I am not the first to suffer this struggle and I will not be the last. If I have nothing, then I don't need to prove myself anymore. Israeli or not, I just am.

Israel, you make it so hard to love you

I haven't even moved yet. Haven't packed up my stuff, gotten on a plane, and settled in a new home before fighting with your people. Which if I remember correctly I've been told since my Birthright trip are my people. I haven't even gone to a supermarket so why am I fighting with your people?!

It seems that because my father's Israeli I have more to prove. You wanted me when I didn't want you and now that I do you're making me crawl back. My ID is good enough to claim me as your own, but now when I want what I'm told is rightfully mine I can't have it. Why were my friends allowed to work in your offices without promising you their children?

I had 5 months of benefits, but you'll tell me I lived in your home for over a year. Your home. Which I've been told is my home. But I have to prove it. Do you want me to take you to my great-grandparents' home? Show you where my grandmother was raised? Where my father used to ride his bike, pick bamboo by the Yarkon to make kites?

Maybe I am being whiney about this. But maybe I'm also being told two different stories from each person I talk to. Talk to this agency. No that one. No the global one. No the local one. You need all your documents in person. We don't have them online. Apply to this agency and tell them the truth. Why did you tell them the truth? Didn't you know they'd reject you? Tell me your story again? Are both your parents Israeli? You made aliyah and left after 5 months? Oh no, you used up 12 months of benefits. Don't worry, you'll get a free flight. Who told you you'd get a free flight? You might not even get anything. You're a citizen. Just come and go as you please. Prove that you lived in New York. We want you. We don't care. Are you doing this aliyah thing?

I just want to get on a plane and come home. My entire adulthood I've been told that Israel is my home and the Jewish people are my family. Why are you casting me aside like a forgotten daughter?

Israel, you make it so hard to love you

I haven't even moved yet. Haven't packed up my stuff, gotten on a plane, and settled in a new home before fighting with your people. Which if I remember correctly I've been told since my Birthright trip are my people. I haven't even gone to a supermarket so why am I fighting with your people?!

It seems that because my father's Israeli I have more to prove. You wanted me when I didn't want you and now that I do you're making me crawl back. My ID is good enough to claim me as your own, but now when I want what I'm told is rightfully mine I can't have it. Why were my friends allowed to work in your offices without promising you their children?

I had 5 months of benefits, but you'll tell me I lived in your home for over a year. Your home. Which I've been told is my home. But I have to prove it. Do you want me to take you to my great-grandparents' home? Show you where my grandmother was raised? Where my father used to ride his bike, pick bamboo by the Yarkon to make kites?

Maybe I am being whiney about this. But maybe I'm also being told two different stories from each person I talk to. Talk to this agency. No that one. No the global one. No the local one. You need all your documents in person. We don't have them online. Apply to this agency and tell them the truth. Why did you tell them the truth? Didn't you know they'd reject you? Tell me your story again? Are both your parents Israeli? You made aliyah and left after 5 months? Oh no, you used up 12 months of benefits. Don't worry, you'll get a free flight. Who told you you'd get a free flight? You might not even get anything. You're a citizen. Just come and go as you please. Prove that you lived in New York. We want you. We don't care. Are you doing this aliyah thing?

I just want to get on a plane and come home. My entire adulthood I've been told that Israel is my home and the Jewish people are my family. Why are you casting me aside like a forgotten daughter?

7/18/12

Dear Brooklyn,
I'll miss you
Dear F train,
You'll always be my favorite
Dear Gowanus,
I love you. Don't ever let them tell you you're too dirty
Dear 3rd avenue,
You're my best on nighttime bike rides
Dear Williamsburg,
I never gave you a real chance
For that I'm sorry
Maybe we'll meet in your next incarnation
Dear New York,
I love you and you're not bringing me down
Dear poets with babies,
Thank you for showing me that life needs to move on
Dear Bowery Poetry Club,
Thank you for shaping an adolescent me
Dear Tel Aviv,
If we meet in the way we should, you have a lot to live up to
While you'll never be in another's shadows, I hope our love can grow again

My county is sick

It's not feeling well
Hasn't been for a while

Every time I speak to an Israeli I feel like my guard has to be up
This constant fight is exhausting
It's like they want me to hate living there before I've arrived

Today a man burned himself alive
In protest of a government that failed him
He didn't use enough gasoline
He'll probably survive
And then what kind of life will he live?
Unemployed, suffered a stroke, and now third degree burns
He already moved to Haifa to avoid the expense of the city
Where else will he go?

Did we fail him?
Is this the new trend in government protest for social change?

5/31/12

I don't understand what's wrong with the NYC subway system tonight.
Why on the same train I heard a man sing in Russian in a booming baritone voice accompanied by a CD of music played on an electric keyboard
I think the only people who donated were Russian
After I and my throbbing headache fled through the open subway doors
I caught a glimpse and listen to a guy on an electric guitar singing a song
When did the train first become a place to display your art?
And when did people stop caring if there was an audience who wanted to receive it?
Now I know half of my complaining is due to the discomfort between my ears,
But I wouldn't go reciting this poem on the R train when people still haven't finished their long commute home

4/25/12

Today in Israel
There's a memorial ceremony in every city
Too many of our boys lost forever
We attempt to remember each and every one
Call them by name
Their faces - too many - flash across screens from Rabin Square to our living room TVs
Each one somehow looks like he could be family
Like she could've had a bright future
Like they didn't deserve their fate

Today in Israel a woman collapses in a stranger's arms
Her son was killed 10 years ago
But it stings like it happened yesterday
And she is again overcome by grief

Today in Israel
Politicians thank soldiers for their service
It is their selflessness that keeps this country safe
They are our future

Today in Israel
A new immigrant stands in silence during the siren's sound
She reflects in wonder
Feels like her aliyah is manifest destiny
Vows to hug a soldier every day
To never take this country for granted

Today in New York
I'm singing Chanukah songs in my head
I guess I'm feeling like today is pretty miraculous

I know I've been quiet for a while, but maybe it's because there's just too much to say. My mind has just been one big question mark for months and every iteration of myself feels like the same. Like any number of versions of me. Was 2004 self any different than current self? Other than 7 years difference, I'm not so sure. When I was 22 possibilities were endless. Light. Room for casualty. Seven years later there is a heaviness to everything. There is weight in every decision I make.

I've realized that lately the person who makes me happiest is also the one who triggers me to reach terrible sadness. What makes it worse is that he doesn't know, and I don't put any blame on him. No, I choose to blame those around me whose unsolicited 2 cents I allow to get inside my head and in turn affect this relationship. I also blame myself for not being more direct.

When we're in the same bed, sleep comes easy for him. The roles reverse and I am the one who stays up at night contemplating my life's uncertainties. Going over mental checklists of my friends, placing them in their rightful categories: engaged, married, expecting. I do not fit in any category. I could stay like this in limbo forever. And that is the sadness, dear friends.

I don't want to live a life of gashmiut

Goals for 2011

Lose at least 5lbs (already lost 1)
Florida camping
A month in Israel this summer with my girls
Italy for xmas (davka) and Paris NYE
Make more $$$ dolla dolla bills, yo

So far, gym 3 days, lots of salad, lots of water, protein, minimal carbs and minimal dairy. How long before this becomes just another forgotten New Year's resolution? Only time will tell.

It's come to my attention that I feel very far away

Four and a half years ago I got on plane to the Holy Land that is Tel Aviv. Well, Ra'anana to be honest and less than a week later I was in a 5-month sublet on King David Street living a life I could never have dreamed. And I met so many beautiful people who touched my life to its core. Four years ago on December 18th (my mom's birthday), for better or for worse, but mainly for necessity, I received my Teudat Zehut. And for those seven months prior and many months to follow, I loved, longed, lusted after, laughed, cried, danced, and drank too many bottles of wine. I don't regret a single thing, except for leaving. Or not leaving, but having not come back.

I think I tend to get so nostalgic for Israel in winter. It's easy to do so then, because I'm cursing New York's cold and questioning why the hell I am passing up Palm Trees and heat waves for snow. It's also because when it's cold here, I know I have so long to wait till summer comes and I choose to leave the best time to be in New York so I can have a Tel Aviv summer like it was in 2006 and the end of 2007.

It's been four and a half years - can you imagine? I've come to terms with the decisions I've made that have led me to Brooklyn with a boy I love, but nothing can compare to 2006/2007 of my mind. That was the only time in my life when I had a group of sisters who would call me out on my bullshit. Would tell me to stop pretending I didn't miss NY, chide me for treating my time in Israel like some "study abroad program", support me and my poetry needs, and simply love me for me. And sometimes it hits me just how lucky I was and how I feel so far away. I miss you all. I miss every second of it. I wish I could just go back in time to grab a group hug and carry on like it'll all be okay because it has to.

So, let's use technology to our advantage. Here I am on the cursed G train with vegan thai take-out and a lemonade mixer on my way to see a man in Williamsburg for a hug and to work a freelance life till the wee hours of the night. His hugs don't feel like sisterhood, but they certainly feel like home. And I'll make due until it's summer again, and you'll find me dancing. You'll know where I am because I'll be with you. xx

Cardio

For 1 hour 4-5 times a week. Because it's necessary. And bc I might make myself single soon.

Oh friends

I regret to tell you that religion always gets in the way. That our young heroine will tell you stories over drinks about the time when love came easy and she could have had it all. The rock on the finger. The big beautiful Manhattan sky rise. The 2.5 children while under the age of 30. But, dear friends, this young lass never makes the easy choices or the "right" decisions. Our leading lady left her prince years ago. She gave up the life in the palace for a desert that blooms. For the night that only ends when the sun comes up.

No decisions will be made, but those in my mind. But I will tell you, while I don't make the easy, smart decisions, I long for the dream day where my groom is danced to meet me for the first time after a week. The emotional moment where we see each other for the first time. And I'm not sure I'll have that in this current situation. Yes, I am in love. Yes, I haven't felt this way in quite some time. But ultimately I know who I am. I know what I want. This relationship won't yield the optimal results. So there you have it. What I think 2 drinks in. And now 3. On to the 4th possibly. Good night my loves.

Food journal

2 handfuls Kashi cereal
Water
Coffee (1 sm. sugar, milk)
Banana
2 chocolate kisses

Lunch
Salad w mozz cheese, avocado, string beans, the usual, tuna and home made honey balsamic dressing
Coffee
Water

Finding Inspiration

Channahboo has inspired me to think about my own health, weight, and appearance. Today starts project Lose That Belly, and boyfriend and I are going to do what we can to tighten up and lose some inches. While I planned to go to the gym today, I lack the discipline and that did not happen. If I try to go now and get in a quick workout, I will for sure be late in meeting a friend for drinks and will subsequently be late for dinner plans later. However, what I can do today is make sure the drink I consume does not have too many calories, and the dinner I eat later will be healthy. So my diet I hope will keep up with that of Channahboo's.

Not to say that this blog will now serve as a food journal, just that sometimes you need to put something out publicly with the goal of sticking to it. So please encourage me here or other places to remind myself that a 28 year old can still aim for a 20 year old's body. Tomorrow my calendar reminder is set for 8:30am at the gym. I'm in need of some morning cardio.

Where does one post things anymore?

With blogs, secret blogs, public ones, twitter, where am I supposed to note the sh*t I want to say like, I've been on the west coast for so f'n long that if I don't see my bf soon I am going to throw myself into traffic!!!

I am very grateful for tonight's flight back to NY. This cannot happen any sooner. I can't wait until Monday. Time for a cold shower. Thanks for listening.

9/6/10

3 little stops and you once thought the weight of the world was held in those moments
Thought love lurked around the corner
Thought promise was held in his hands
But they were held in yours all along
And there are men who will love the smile in your eyes
The fire in your heart
The fear of G-d in your soul
Love will consume you when you're ready
When you've deciphered the difference between infatuation and till death do us part
There will be time for passion, but only after there has been soul searching
Strengthen your connection with the All Mighty
For He will always be there in times of need
Walk with G-d when those around you won't
Remember body and brain are Holy
For they elevate the typewriter too