Pre-flight ruminations

Okay so it goes without saying how excited I am to know that in just
11 hours I'll be on Israeli soil, but in my 8 trips to Israel I have
never flown on another nation's airline. It's weird and I must say
that being grilled in hebrew about the last holiday you celebrated and
why your passport has so many stamps from Ben Gurion is rather
comforting. This time I don't have that familiar tongue to greet me.
And before boarding the plane proved to be a big balagan which was
surprising. All I have is the comfort of my tehillim and a few sparse
chasidim on the plane. There isn't even my own personal TV playing
"latoose elal." I'll get over it with a little help from my ipod and
the butterflies in my heart. See you in TA! xx

The times they are a changin'

Last night he asked me what's new?  My answer, from the depths of a haze, life.  It's always changing.  He tells me it doesn't have to if you don't want it to.  I said it doesn't matter.  Life just always changes.

The past few days have led me to question "who am I?" as I had to rush into survival mode.  I have no time to think for the future.  I now think for the here and now.  For 2 days ahead.  For 2 weeks ahead.  For where will I be Sept. 12th?  One day after my city cried.

You can always tell if a woman is going through a significant change from the look of her hair.  I chopped mine off Sunday afternoon.  You tell me what that means.  I am doing all I can to facilitate change.  Today I spoke to G-d and told him exactly what I want for the next few weeks.  I hope He heard me.  I spelled everything out loud and clear.  I even had a witness.

T'shuvah, tefilah, tzedaka, and physical location.  That's what the gemara says is necessary to facilitate change.  I hope I can work on the first three and think about the last one.

Sometimes I see imaginary people of my past. Everyone in this world has a back double - that person who from behind you swear is a vision. Their spitting image only to be jolted when they turn around and you realize it's not so. They can only exist where you left them, never to appear except for like ghosts.

9 days blues

We're in the midst of the 9 days now. Fun must end at all costs. We must prepare to act as if we are in mourning. I feel a difference of energy in the air. I can't help but feel a mono-type of energy drain. I feel tired all the time. I wake up tired waiting to finally wake up.

I'm personally gearing up for the fast. A lot of mental and spiritual prep is involved. I wonder how everyone else is feeling.

You have no idea how long I've wanted this song!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sbqpyHovow

This life, it breathes sometimes

And this heart, it bleeds sometimes. And poetry, sometimes it doesn't happen enough even though it happens all the time.

I want to witness your soul bare on its back below me
As I hover and writhe uncontrollably
You will know the wrath of me as they all do
Broken and battered as I am like a severed head medusa
And I dare you to know where that line came from
But I promise it's not mine

Hello, she said, into the phone line
Remember when poetry was pure as I do
Remember the Brooklyn rooftops and basement gravity bongs
Remember applesauce cups as ashtrays
Remember longing for 2001 as I do
Remember it all and remember it well as I do
I once stood on the cusp of my youth on the corner of Memory Lane as you did
With the warm blood of a teenager going somewhere fast
Now trying to remember how I got to the here and now
Hear this -
I still want to love as many as I can
But I hope that all it takes is one
To take me there

Free write my life so I can right all the wrongs in it
You hold the key and always have, always did, always will
Always

I haven't had much to say lately

I'm sort of just watching the summer unfold before my eyes. No real developments, no real excitement, just watching, waiting, hoping. For what? Something that will shake up my life in a positive way, that will stir me at my core. A reason to tango, a spring in my step because it's summer.

I don't have a summer love; there's no man of my dreams waking me in bed, no one to make coffee with in the morning, no reason to want to make coffee in the morning. And still I hope find that ray of sunshine peeking through my window every morning when I wake. And still I hope for another reason to dance on the weekend. To continue to believe in love and fate and G-d and thank Him daily for His creations. I look for a reason to say, "Damn, I love this city." It doesn't always come. But still I have hope that every day will bring me closer to flowers.