My heart isn't in New York

It doesn't skip a beat like it does in Israel. And I know that New York is one of the best cities in the world - if not the best - but it doesn't make me feel as alive, as abuzz, as I do in Israel. I know, "so just move already," but friends, I'm just not ready. Soon, I feel it, I will be. I can't live with a constant sense of melancholy. I am the Gemini that needs to feel alive. Tonight someone told me that a Rav once said that after you spend an extensive stay in Israel and you leave, a part of your soul is left in Israel. Well that makes sense to me. That explains the overwhelming sensation that I'm not meant to be here. I know I will figure it out eventually in my own time, but for now just please appreciate that America isn't for me just like it's not for you. Home doesn't call to me in this accent. No, home tastes like honey and even if it feels like pushing in lines and aggression, I'm willing to fight to show that it doesn't have to be that way. Instead I want to live my life with every atom abuzz, every movement alight. I want to be where the rest of my soul is.

My fantasy haiku

My fantasy is
To show up at your door and
Punch you in the face

The Killers will get me through it

A stranger in a strange land

I feel like a chameleon in that I can slip back to New York or Tel Aviv with such ease. There's no shock to the body. Not a wink of jetlag. I automatically feel at home in either place, street corners evoking memories of a younger me.

Visiting kiosks, restaurants, shops, I am greeted by familiar faces, some who remember me instantly. To some I leave a carbon footprint subtly etched in their memory, perhaps left to think I look familiar but can't recall from where. It's comforting, this feeling that nothing really changes and every visit is a homecoming.

Then there's the contrast riding the way to the Central Bus Station, which has always seemed so foreign to me. I feel like an outsider, not quite understanding what goes on in this place. The way the shopkeepers seem so different with a way of thinking that is so unlike anywhere else.

Or Jerusalem. The one city which never seems to speak to me. Maybe it's because I've never quite opened my arms and my heart to her. Maybe because I've always felt like the odd Jew out. A stranger in a strange land, not being able to wrap my mind around all the different hats and clothes and what they mean. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin, never wanting to offend the people of Oh Jerusalem, never wanting to offend the shekhinah that resides in her walls, watching over us, over me.

And no matter how many times I whisper requests for spiritual epiphanies, nothing seems to come no matter how long I wait. Jerusalem of my mind, if only we could reach that point of coming together. If I wear the right clothes maybe you'll show me the light.

This is called "I need to get this off my chest" aka the blog I wrote but had to re-write because it deleted itself

Since I got here it seems like a dark cloud of drama has been following me. On Day 2 - not even 24 hours in Israel - we had the experience that felt more like a break-up than anything we ever had. The moment that ends everything. And now I've lost my friend.

On Day 6 I found out that my uncle died on Day 5. And I'm really angry because I lost my best friend and I can't just pick up the phone like I normally would. And I'm really angry because I've cried more in this past week than I have in 2009 thus far. I'm not normally an emotional person and the bigger things tend not to get to me but this time it's different. And sometimes I start shaking with anger just thinking about it.

Today, amidst Jerusalem madness, walking down torn-up streets I felt like I wanted to re-commit myself to this place. This place that doesn't necessarily make me feel more holy but makes me feel more alive. Today I felt normal, and I just want to be normal.

My wise friend told me that it's okay to admit that you're lost and don't know where you're going in life. So here goes: I'm lost and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.

So even though all I know is that I'm lost, at least that's something I know.

I want to write something so badly

Like how I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Like sometimes I want to love the one I'm with and sometimes I really do love the one I'm with. I don't know where I'm headed but all signs seem to point to home. And home is where the heart is. Or where I left my heart. No, I didn't leave it in San Francisco, but once upon a time I left it in New York before I left it in Tel Aviv before I brought it back to New York, took it to London, brought it back, took it to Tel Aviv again and maybe - just maybe - even left a tiny piece in Jerusalem. Are you sufficiently confused yet? Good. Welcome to my life.

I miss simpler times spent crying over boys and drinking to oblivion while chain smoking till the wee hours. I miss holding hands on the beach. I miss hugs. Lots of hugs. Because everyone seems to be so far away these days and why can't I be far away too? I need sunshine and water like beautiful flowers need to grow. I need kisses and beauty and art and sunshine. Lots of sunshine. And sand between my toes. Basically I need you. All of you.

Alright

So let's just say Montreal gave me some weird ass dreams. I dreamt I wished my ex's fiance mazal tov in a smaller scale Grand Central Station after seeing him and his parents from afar and being embarrassed for using a payphone. I dreamt I saw her on a sunny street where she didn't recognize me and instead spoke to me depending on the kindness of strangers and I stole something that was once in Iran. I dreamt something I won't describe here but it was real and made my heart rush from adrenaline.

And then there were the nights this past week where I couldn't sleep from excitement. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than 2 weeks in Israel. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than one month in Israel. I almost don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it but I have big thoughts big plans and they definitely involve working out of Tel Aviv cafes and breakfast on the beach. Or wherever the heck http://www.sabraheart.blogspot.com/ hangs out and gets those waffles. Thoughts like these (and others) make my heart a-flutter and I can hardly contain my excitement. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. B'ezrat Hashem I hope to have more deets in these coming weeks. In the meanwhile I will soak up the sun in between performances in sunny Florida and pretend I am looking down the tayelet towards Yaffo.