My county is sick

It's not feeling well
Hasn't been for a while

Every time I speak to an Israeli I feel like my guard has to be up
This constant fight is exhausting
It's like they want me to hate living there before I've arrived

Today a man burned himself alive
In protest of a government that failed him
He didn't use enough gasoline
He'll probably survive
And then what kind of life will he live?
Unemployed, suffered a stroke, and now third degree burns
He already moved to Haifa to avoid the expense of the city
Where else will he go?

Did we fail him?
Is this the new trend in government protest for social change?

5/31/12

I don't understand what's wrong with the NYC subway system tonight.
Why on the same train I heard a man sing in Russian in a booming baritone voice accompanied by a CD of music played on an electric keyboard
I think the only people who donated were Russian
After I and my throbbing headache fled through the open subway doors
I caught a glimpse and listen to a guy on an electric guitar singing a song
When did the train first become a place to display your art?
And when did people stop caring if there was an audience who wanted to receive it?
Now I know half of my complaining is due to the discomfort between my ears,
But I wouldn't go reciting this poem on the R train when people still haven't finished their long commute home

4/25/12

Today in Israel
There's a memorial ceremony in every city
Too many of our boys lost forever
We attempt to remember each and every one
Call them by name
Their faces - too many - flash across screens from Rabin Square to our living room TVs
Each one somehow looks like he could be family
Like she could've had a bright future
Like they didn't deserve their fate

Today in Israel a woman collapses in a stranger's arms
Her son was killed 10 years ago
But it stings like it happened yesterday
And she is again overcome by grief

Today in Israel
Politicians thank soldiers for their service
It is their selflessness that keeps this country safe
They are our future

Today in Israel
A new immigrant stands in silence during the siren's sound
She reflects in wonder
Feels like her aliyah is manifest destiny
Vows to hug a soldier every day
To never take this country for granted

Today in New York
I'm singing Chanukah songs in my head
I guess I'm feeling like today is pretty miraculous

I know I've been quiet for a while, but maybe it's because there's just too much to say. My mind has just been one big question mark for months and every iteration of myself feels like the same. Like any number of versions of me. Was 2004 self any different than current self? Other than 7 years difference, I'm not so sure. When I was 22 possibilities were endless. Light. Room for casualty. Seven years later there is a heaviness to everything. There is weight in every decision I make.

I've realized that lately the person who makes me happiest is also the one who triggers me to reach terrible sadness. What makes it worse is that he doesn't know, and I don't put any blame on him. No, I choose to blame those around me whose unsolicited 2 cents I allow to get inside my head and in turn affect this relationship. I also blame myself for not being more direct.

When we're in the same bed, sleep comes easy for him. The roles reverse and I am the one who stays up at night contemplating my life's uncertainties. Going over mental checklists of my friends, placing them in their rightful categories: engaged, married, expecting. I do not fit in any category. I could stay like this in limbo forever. And that is the sadness, dear friends.

I don't want to live a life of gashmiut

Goals for 2011

Lose at least 5lbs (already lost 1)
Florida camping
A month in Israel this summer with my girls
Italy for xmas (davka) and Paris NYE
Make more $$$ dolla dolla bills, yo

So far, gym 3 days, lots of salad, lots of water, protein, minimal carbs and minimal dairy. How long before this becomes just another forgotten New Year's resolution? Only time will tell.