The Killers will get me through it

A stranger in a strange land

I feel like a chameleon in that I can slip back to New York or Tel Aviv with such ease. There's no shock to the body. Not a wink of jetlag. I automatically feel at home in either place, street corners evoking memories of a younger me.

Visiting kiosks, restaurants, shops, I am greeted by familiar faces, some who remember me instantly. To some I leave a carbon footprint subtly etched in their memory, perhaps left to think I look familiar but can't recall from where. It's comforting, this feeling that nothing really changes and every visit is a homecoming.

Then there's the contrast riding the way to the Central Bus Station, which has always seemed so foreign to me. I feel like an outsider, not quite understanding what goes on in this place. The way the shopkeepers seem so different with a way of thinking that is so unlike anywhere else.

Or Jerusalem. The one city which never seems to speak to me. Maybe it's because I've never quite opened my arms and my heart to her. Maybe because I've always felt like the odd Jew out. A stranger in a strange land, not being able to wrap my mind around all the different hats and clothes and what they mean. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin, never wanting to offend the people of Oh Jerusalem, never wanting to offend the shekhinah that resides in her walls, watching over us, over me.

And no matter how many times I whisper requests for spiritual epiphanies, nothing seems to come no matter how long I wait. Jerusalem of my mind, if only we could reach that point of coming together. If I wear the right clothes maybe you'll show me the light.

This is called "I need to get this off my chest" aka the blog I wrote but had to re-write because it deleted itself

Since I got here it seems like a dark cloud of drama has been following me. On Day 2 - not even 24 hours in Israel - we had the experience that felt more like a break-up than anything we ever had. The moment that ends everything. And now I've lost my friend.

On Day 6 I found out that my uncle died on Day 5. And I'm really angry because I lost my best friend and I can't just pick up the phone like I normally would. And I'm really angry because I've cried more in this past week than I have in 2009 thus far. I'm not normally an emotional person and the bigger things tend not to get to me but this time it's different. And sometimes I start shaking with anger just thinking about it.

Today, amidst Jerusalem madness, walking down torn-up streets I felt like I wanted to re-commit myself to this place. This place that doesn't necessarily make me feel more holy but makes me feel more alive. Today I felt normal, and I just want to be normal.

My wise friend told me that it's okay to admit that you're lost and don't know where you're going in life. So here goes: I'm lost and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.

So even though all I know is that I'm lost, at least that's something I know.

I want to write something so badly

Like how I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Like sometimes I want to love the one I'm with and sometimes I really do love the one I'm with. I don't know where I'm headed but all signs seem to point to home. And home is where the heart is. Or where I left my heart. No, I didn't leave it in San Francisco, but once upon a time I left it in New York before I left it in Tel Aviv before I brought it back to New York, took it to London, brought it back, took it to Tel Aviv again and maybe - just maybe - even left a tiny piece in Jerusalem. Are you sufficiently confused yet? Good. Welcome to my life.

I miss simpler times spent crying over boys and drinking to oblivion while chain smoking till the wee hours. I miss holding hands on the beach. I miss hugs. Lots of hugs. Because everyone seems to be so far away these days and why can't I be far away too? I need sunshine and water like beautiful flowers need to grow. I need kisses and beauty and art and sunshine. Lots of sunshine. And sand between my toes. Basically I need you. All of you.

Alright

So let's just say Montreal gave me some weird ass dreams. I dreamt I wished my ex's fiance mazal tov in a smaller scale Grand Central Station after seeing him and his parents from afar and being embarrassed for using a payphone. I dreamt I saw her on a sunny street where she didn't recognize me and instead spoke to me depending on the kindness of strangers and I stole something that was once in Iran. I dreamt something I won't describe here but it was real and made my heart rush from adrenaline.

And then there were the nights this past week where I couldn't sleep from excitement. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than 2 weeks in Israel. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than one month in Israel. I almost don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it but I have big thoughts big plans and they definitely involve working out of Tel Aviv cafes and breakfast on the beach. Or wherever the heck http://www.sabraheart.blogspot.com/ hangs out and gets those waffles. Thoughts like these (and others) make my heart a-flutter and I can hardly contain my excitement. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. B'ezrat Hashem I hope to have more deets in these coming weeks. In the meanwhile I will soak up the sun in between performances in sunny Florida and pretend I am looking down the tayelet towards Yaffo.

How is it already half-way through March?

Where does the time go? Well, I'm still waiting for Spring to come but in the meantime my leggings underneath jeans keep me warm and nostalgia for places I have no real loyalties warm my heart. For the past few days I have become increasingly filled with longing for London. It's amazing what lasting impression a short stay can leave on a person. Well Brits, know that your lovely little city left me wanting more even if you don't.

I have been having odd nightmares lately. For those (15 of you reading) who don't know, I have picked up a hip-hop group as my very first client as an independent publicist. We are throwing an album release party this coming Saturday night and I am tasked with ensuring we get some media to attend. As this is my first attempt at music publicity, and while I love Mos Def as much as the next person, I am no hip-hop head and this is all very new to me. I had to call my client very after-hours to check in, more for myself, to make sure they are happy with my work thus far. Truthfully, I'm nervous. And that nervousness has manifested itself in my dreams. One nightmare kept waking me as Google alerts, press releases and e-mails swirled through my head.

Yesterday my Shabbos nap turned into a daymare as I dreamt I lost my laptop and my client files weren't backed up. I panicked that I would have to start my media lists from scratch and would have to search through old e-mails. Am I too vested in my work? That wasn't all; I realized I lost my laptop while in a Judaism class I was taking, apparently in addition to my copyediting class which I really am taking in reality. The professor wrote a note for me on one of my assignments asking me if I was working for a Hillel or something and asked why I was taking the class. How could I have even crafted an answer when media lists were controlling my brain and I had a virtual crisis?

Well, today I am speaking some Hebrew phrases on the concept of passing time over a track my friend/client is recording. Pretty nifty huh? Maybe I am entering a whole new stage of life, or something like that. I still need to motivate to find a full-time gig. But it's so wonderful that my show is in an open-ended run and we are traveling once a month. South Beach, here we come! And Chicago too. Maybe Israel can even be in the cards?

I just want to let you know that even though I've been quiet, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say. I still have odd dreams where certain people appear. I still am wondering what the eff I am to do with my life. The show I'm in is going quite well b"h. We will be taking our show on the road and performing in some warmer cities this and next month. I'm very excited about the prospect of being on a beach but that just means I need to get my butt to the gym.

The job I had my heart set on didn't work out. C'est la vie. I have taken on a solo PR project. I am repping a hip-hop group. It's different. They're talented so that makes things easier on me.

I'm tired so that's all I am saying for now but I am happy to finally have said something. Sorry for being so quiet. Chag Purim sameach xx