7/8/10

My phone buzzes and I hope it's him. A generic him. Could be anyone at this point. Anyone could be the love of my life at this point. And I don't mean it in a way that's like settling. Just that at this age and this stage of the game, the man of your dreams is either the guy you've known for years or the boy you haven't met yet.

I look for love in all the wrong places. I stop looking. The wrong ones find me. I stop being found. I hide. I get curious. I start to look again. I wish I never looked in the first place. I want to stop looking. I feel myself changing. I hate what I am turning into. I'm becoming like everyone else. Sometimes I can smell the desperation on myself. It's sour. Sometimes I taste bitter when I wish I tasted like my lover's kisses. But I don't have a lover. I left lovers in the past. I always seem to be leaving. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I fear karma. I fear the day I'll be left. I'm sorry for leaving all the time. I always leave all the time. Always. I'm sorry.

I am day dreaming of backyard barbecues in summer. Washing dishes while watching my kin through the window. They are golden, and their father is our hero. He holds the sun in his smile, stars in his eyes, fire in his belly and only has love in his heart. He is as tall as trees sometimes, and protects us like his arms are an umbrella bear hug.

This is all fantasy that may or may not prove itself to be true as days turn to weeks to months to years, but I know I can put myself in the moment for but a moment and find that truth feels like a beautiful summer day from the comfort of your kitchen.

I'm too pretty to be eating dinner alone

I've decided and I'm sticking to it. This was an exercise in commitment and resilience. No more! While I can pay for my own dinner, if I'm eating alone let it be in the comfort of my own home!

When I imagine us we shine like stars exploding on the night sky canvas singing "holy holy holy." Today I realized 613 = 1 and it all made sense.

Saturday night I drunkenly fell asleep clutching a bowl of popcorn. That is all.

Today I did the unthinkable

I convinced myself to sign up for Jdate. After less than 24 hours of using it, I'd like my money back. Most of the men who have messaged me are overweight, short, unattractive, and/or bald. Oh, and a couple are extra socially awkward and have proceeded to insult me WHILE complimenting me! "You're really pretty, but why else should I be interested in you?" Um, maybe for all the lovely reasons stated in my fucking profile I wasted 30 minutes of my life agonizing over, Mr. 40-year-old divorced, bald, modern orthodox man. Why don't YOU tell ME why I even bothered responding to you with "I think my neshama shines more than my outward appearance."

I think it's safe to say my soul mate is not on Jdate. I have yet to find a kosher keeping, shabbat loving, music appreciating hipster who can kick my ass at the gym while quoting poetry to me on or offline. I will give this thing an honest week. Dear G-d give me the strength to ignore the crazies.

I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. Quite doubtful.