Countdown

When I arrived in Israel the first time back in March, I always had a tentative date of return in my mind which shortly after turned into "whenever I get sick of being here." Well that never happened. Three months turned into until Shavuot, turned into the war, turned into Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hakafot HaShniot, turned into simply "I don't wanna leave." And I truly didn't. The main reason why I went back to NY for that month was because I felt that I needed give it a shot, however half-hearted it was.

When I returned to Israel I had a concrete date to return to NY and a reason, as well as this idea that it would be so easy to get settled in Tel Aviv. Well it wasn't. In fact it was one of the most challenging situations I had been in. Trying to balance finding an apartment, job, ulpan, and manage my health while not being a burden on anyone was really difficult for me. I felt like I wouldn't succeed with any of it and that I'd have to go back to NY out of despair. But Hashem has a funny way of taking care of me. Eventually I got settled. Two months later and I have finally found my place here, no matter what funk I seem to be in.

A by-product of working in corporate America means that I schedule weekly reminders in my Outlook. Yesterday I scheduled my new Ulpan days and times, as well as my new chevruta time. "This event will end after 26 occurances." Crap. See, I always knew that I'd go back to NY in the middle of May, end of May the latest, to be all ready and maybe a little tan for my friend's wedding in June. And I still tell myself that while I am leaning towards staying in NY indefinitely upon my return, I always give myself till Pesach time to really get my act together. But when I saw the remainder of my stay in terms of "occurances" it scared the crap out of me. Twenty-six more Ulpan classes. Thirteen more chevruta classes. Does that make thirteen more jazz nights as well? How many more drinking nights with the girls are left? How many more Thursday nights do I have? How many Shabbatot will I have to split up between Tel Aviv and the rest of the country? So many families I haven't yet visited...so many things I have not yet done...

I'm terrified of the day when I have to leave this country. Terrified of the uncertainty that will seep inside of me. Of the reality that next time I will have to give NY a real try. I owe it to myself. I know that I'll manage, that I will adapt eventually. And I will have fun being reunited with some of the only people who truly understand me and know me better than myself. But...I know that despite all the troubles I've had here lately...I will be leaving home...and right now I can't stand to bear that thought.