Chalomot metukim

I wished my grandmother last night before going to bed. "At cholemet?" she asked, to which I responded, "B'ezrat Hashem."

After I awoke this morning, while brushing my teeth I remembered I dreamt of him. We were kissing in bed and when I tried to go further he protested. In my dream I thought maybe it was because of his girlfriend. But back in reality I remembered what we ceased to do after 3 months into our relationship. I hope by the time I'm 40 he'll stop visiting. It just makes me feel odd in the morning.

Kate Nash plays in my head

"My fingertips are holding onto...

...the cracks in our foundation...

...and I know that I should let go but I can't..."

She sings an acoustic, slow, drawn out version of her song in my head. Usually it's upbeat, when I am, but today is not the case.

She sings this way only for me as we lament about love lost and location lost
hoping to land a final destination soon.
Because it's been too long since I've last been there and almost as long since you've been here

With Pesach comes summertime

This is the first Pesach in a couple of years that I am back in New York, and while my location has changed, one thing is still the same: the arrival of Pesach brings the feeling of summer. Even with the hustle and bustle of rushing before shabbat and preparing for 2 days of chag, I stopped to feel the warm air around me and the sun on my skin. The deliciousness of it all was almost too much to bear and it just didn't feel like shabbat was coming. It felt like a whole new season. Like the gray clouds of New York were finally melting away.

I had lovely seders, although different and kitniyot-free, and I still managed to read the paragraph with the word "shadayim" in it, bringing me back to a house in Hertzliya where they laughed and I didn't get the joke. I was so innocent then ;)

I'm still waiting for 2008 to bring all of its glory and splendor. I think it's time I stop putting so much pressure on this year and just let it happen.

P.S. I miss you.

You know what my problem is?

There are too many options out there. I can see myself living happily in 5 different places with any of 5 different people. This is a problem for me. I think it's why I can't always see myself as a family person. And yet I always say I want between 3 and 5 children depending on the day.

Sometimes I say jackass things like, "I'll probably be single forever!" knowing it's dumb, annoying and not what I want. But I say it anyway because I'm a scaredy puss. I'm afraid to make a decision and stick with it. I'm afraid to love one person forever. I'm sorry and I really hope to overcome it someday. Because I want what Susi has. I want a love worth fighting for. I want a love that reminds me of summertime.

How Beauty PR is sometimes like pledging a sorority

So it goes like this:

You want these beauty editors to feature your product. Well how can they if they don't have it in their hands for the look and feel of it? So you waste paper and use a big bag with a logo and 3 sheets of tissue paper for one little mascara all so it should look pretty and then you spend over $8 for a messenger to walk it a few blocks over. This happens a lot. I get it and not a big deal. In fact, it's a great thing for us and the client to have to send so much product out because in the end we get the placements and they get happy. I like it and I like the satisfaction knowing that my contact resulted in a hit however small it may be.

Then you have the gift baskets. Because some clients need things to be super pretty even if they'll never see it. So then you become an expert in gift basket making. But because it has to be so pretty, you can't just find a crap basket for $3 each, you have to get the nice ones that wind up costing $200 for 15. Then the filler and the plastic wrap and the ribbon and before you know it you apparently spent four years of college to spend half a day making baskets for some person you'll never meet. But it'll make them happy and it'll make the client happy so you're happy to do it. But then you realize half the day is shot and you still have reports to finish and emails to send and anxiety builds up a bit and it's this crazy overwhelming feeling of WTF do I do now and where do I begin.

And it feels like you're pledging a sorority staying up till G-d knows when doing arts and crafts projects when you should really be doing homework, but you want the pretty girls to like you right? And you want to make your project the best project but in the end you're left to wonder "is it all worth it?" And I guess for now my answer is yes. And I tell myself to stop bitching about it because all the ones before me had to do it but how do I keep on with a smile on my face? When I'm being repremanded by someone who thinks she's a good manager.

All I know is I've been up since 3:30am and I still am not home yet. In another land where the people are as warm as the climate I once had a life that allowed for love and self-improvement. Ultimately I know I will make my way back there, but for now I feel that this experience is a necessary evil. I regret nothing but wasted time.

I dreamed exclusively for you

Just a line I liked in a poem.

I feel giddy

Because I left work today before 7pm! And I'm going to see one of my castmates in her show tonight. Score! I have a spring in my step. I am so giddy from leaving before the sun came down that I walked the wrong way in the train station and didn't care. Oh yeah. It feels good because my legs are sore from 2 days in a row at the gym. And I don't mind that I didn't go today because I'm going to see quality acting, people. A ghetto Peter Pan. Can it get any better? Well, yeah if I wasn't wearing a coat right now. I'm so giddy I'm in the mood for a post-work drink. And I don't really mind that Tuesday I'll have to be up at 4am.

xoxo

My friends have picked the most expensive time to get married

Travel agent me.