What if I faded away, into the depths, into the darkness of the past and became a memory soon to be lost of a time now lost to us? A time where I wanted and didn't at once.

I'm getting older and things are making less sense. I'm getting older and becoming nostalgic for everything. For summer of 2000 spent as a poet in New York city workshops on Brooklyn rooftops surrounded by the poetic elite and the one I called Big Brother. For 2001 innocence reclaimed and love found. For 2003, possibly the last of the "good" years so I hold onto every memory which is fading fast with the desperation of a woman in middle agedom. For 2006, the year I bet everything on a plane ticket. I'll never forget that first cigarette smoked in a cab on the way to Ra'anana's doorstep in awe of being back in the land of palm trees and heaven. For all the promise held in that cab ride, I breathed it all in with all 5 senses and even the 6th I had yet to develop. For the friends I had yet to meet and for the ones I knew would stick by me. For surrogate families and friends who became like family. For lost lovers, for bad dreams of ex boyfriends interrupting mid-summer night's sleep. And for you, 2007 - the year ripe with promise of a future if only I didn't let fear and comfort get in my way. 2007 you have come and gone as if a vision. You are a blur of missed opportunity to be replaced by new pathways and new doors. When will I ever learn to let go of reservation and live with conviction injected into every act and decision. I'm tired of being timid. I've reached a point where I want someone to marry, and 2008 I put all the burden on you back in the cusp of 2007's year-end musings.

The palm of my hand holds every answer but i'm not the one to interpret it. And while I say I wish I was and could take out the fun of living, it's still nice to be on your toes sometimes. 2008 you haven't disappointed me yet but I leave that open as I still haven't crafted my own fate. As long as I am a breathing being, there will always be longing. I am waiting for that desire to take a different shape. Unmask itself and transform as I will.