I love and miss and love and miss and love and miss and rest in bed to sleep to try to sleep I try to sleep but sleep doesn't come easy anymore and so I lay in bed I rest in bed lay in bed on my back while past present and future all circle and swirl in my head as I lay in my bed try to rest a little while rest a little while till sleep slowly comes. And when it doesn't, sit up, drink, swallow that little pill until body calms more than brain, brain slows, thoughts cease to stir, and sleep sleep sleep come up and over. Calm calm calm, the superficial sleep grants false calm, shallow sleep take over and I beg to dream of love so I won't miss. Let me dream of love till it's in my hand again.

Tonight I will lay in bed, beg to rest, beg to sleep, beg to dream. Of him and love and sunshine and sunsets over Mediterranean seas, breeze bring seasalts in my hair, sleep and dream of his fingers running through my hair, back to chest, legs wrap, shared heartbeat beat as one, dream as one, declare as one that G-d is One, one heartbeat shared with him and the world and the world and the world, and a land that breathes and a sea that smells - that feels - like home.

Just another Friday

It seems to be more apparent to me these past couple of days that I'm losing my mind - or at least my memory.

For the second time in two days I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment at times when all 3 of my roommates are not home and I'm left to fend for myself. Yup, I'm a dodo.

So this time I realized I had locked myself out while on the phone with a certain boy after running pre-shabbat errands. Not panicking I call the one in law school to have the option of talking to his vmail. Why worry the boy. Instead I call one of my most reliable and adult-like friends/roommate/brother/future bridesdude and venture towards the glitz and glamor of 5th avenue to meet him for the key. It's a crisp and beautiful day in New York and had I not been carrying around aluminum trays, toilet paper and dishwashing soap amongst NY elite, I may have been able to appreciate the scene like the rest of the beautiful people and feel like I, too, am a tourist in this city. Instead I felt like a douche as I'm sure you can understand. I mean, you really have to picture me with greasy hair, uncovered blemish, coat and flip flops carrying around household items. Pretty priceless.

My roommate now thinks I need to carry my keys on a belt at all times like a special person. Sweet. In addition to my keys I have also managed to misplace one of my favorite pairs of earrings, tweezers, and numerous other trinkets. I hope I'm better with friends and family and remember where I last left them.

I need to write more

And sleep more. Unemployment is starting to get the best of me. I've been down this road before and it only leads to a subdued insomnia, mild depression, and anti-social behavior. I need to write more. I need to make sense of change. I need to will something big to happen.

Ringing in the New Year

It seems like it was only yesterday when we were together shopping, cooking, celebrating, laughing, loving - together. In the same place. Ringing in the New Year in the Holy Land. Perfect and bitter-sweet. But it was a year ago and these past few days have brought on more and more questions and options and solutions and problems. I make up proofs and equations like if I don't find a new job in 2 weeks then I will consider a move across the world to find opportunity and love and happiness. Or I will wait it out for him to come and find me and I will find a job I won't mind quitting and we will work out life after I have paid off my credit card bills.

I want to put my life in someone else's hands but I'm too scared because I know what my fate will be decided.

Even though the chagim have never been such a big deal for me, I'm going to make the most out of this time for introspection and ask Hashem for what is right for me. I hope I can muster up some genuine kavana for the occasion. I also hope my dreams are manifested in the next few years to come.

Shana tova u'metuka to everyone. This should be a healthy, happy and prosperous year for us all, and for those of us looking for love, I certainly hope you find it.

Who doesn't love a ukulele?

So bless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRX5kH6IrkY

I think I could really be happy here

This trip has been so far so good. I can't remember the last time I was this happy and just stopped thinking so much about everything. Despite the million questions of what are your intentions, I just don't care. It feels so.damn.good. Like I want to be here. And it doesn't take a vodka soda to make me feel that way.

I've been in a fog since Wednesday but it feels oh so good and I can't verbalize it really. And even though the food doesn't taste quite the same, it's the people who make this all worth while.

Whoa

I'm a muppet. Mobile blogging isn't so good for me. Okay, I'm over it.

As my castmate says, "Israel, it's a good time."