Decisions Decisions

I don't want to make any. I'm sorry. I don't want to choose between old and new anything. I'm really sorry that I am aware of mistakes I make as they happen. I'm sorry I love when I shouldn't, and in a way only I know how. Why is it that just when you can't stop longing for what you once had available every day you suddenly want to cling onto what it is you may be losing? I don't like that I do this to myself and drag people down with me. I don't hurt people intentionally. Honest I don't! And I don't mean to f*ck up my flight shiz. But I did and I'm trying my best to fix it. Please G-d just give me an additional 10 more days with some of the people I love. *Note to self: daven and read Tehillim more*

Today a good friend is Jewish. She made one of the biggest decisions I could ever imagine. So I guess if she can do it, shouldn't I be able to as well? I'm trying not to get scared and run away. I really like finding home in your arms.

I find myself tossing and turning as my days become numbered. Last night the bad dreams came back. I dreamt I was being smothered by a man. As much as I tried to claw at his face that was so close to mine, I felt paralyzed and weak. His body on top of me, I squirmed under him. I woke up hearing myself whisper "stop, no."