Weeks

On the first day of chol hamoed Pesach (the intermediary days of Passover) we begin Sfirat HaOmer - the counting of days between Pesach until we reach Shavuot when matan torah occurred (the receipt of the Torah). Shavuot literally means weeks - the weeks where we are working to evolve spiritually from a very low level during Pesach to reaching the 50th day of the Omer where we are ready to receive the Torah. Normally when we are anticipating something we count down, but during Sfirat HaOmer we count up - we count how many days we have worked to improve ourselves and evolve; we count the work that we have done and invested during this time.

While looking at my datebook this morning I also began counting weeks...until I go back to New York. I am very conflicted in my counting of weeks, wanting to count up to Shavuot and beyond but finding myself counting down to try and make every weekend count like it's my last. No need to be sad or nostalgic, I will always have this city as well as that. Although I can't help but think about how once Shavuot arrives my time here is virtually over. Just one more Shabbat which may be my last for a while, then a week of limbo and adjustment, my milestone birthday which will have to be subdued due to the circumstances, a wonderful friend's wedding and then time for my family and friends. Maybe a belated birthday celebration or roadtrip to be added in to the mix.

I don't know what to count anymore. And I don't know what time counts anymore. Am I spending the rest of my days with the right people doing the right things? I'd like to be a bit more sober but somehow the bottle finds its way in my hands and a smile on my face.