What if I faded away, into the depths, into the darkness of the past and became a memory soon to be lost of a time now lost to us? A time where I wanted and didn't at once.

I'm getting older and things are making less sense. I'm getting older and becoming nostalgic for everything. For summer of 2000 spent as a poet in New York city workshops on Brooklyn rooftops surrounded by the poetic elite and the one I called Big Brother. For 2001 innocence reclaimed and love found. For 2003, possibly the last of the "good" years so I hold onto every memory which is fading fast with the desperation of a woman in middle agedom. For 2006, the year I bet everything on a plane ticket. I'll never forget that first cigarette smoked in a cab on the way to Ra'anana's doorstep in awe of being back in the land of palm trees and heaven. For all the promise held in that cab ride, I breathed it all in with all 5 senses and even the 6th I had yet to develop. For the friends I had yet to meet and for the ones I knew would stick by me. For surrogate families and friends who became like family. For lost lovers, for bad dreams of ex boyfriends interrupting mid-summer night's sleep. And for you, 2007 - the year ripe with promise of a future if only I didn't let fear and comfort get in my way. 2007 you have come and gone as if a vision. You are a blur of missed opportunity to be replaced by new pathways and new doors. When will I ever learn to let go of reservation and live with conviction injected into every act and decision. I'm tired of being timid. I've reached a point where I want someone to marry, and 2008 I put all the burden on you back in the cusp of 2007's year-end musings.

The palm of my hand holds every answer but i'm not the one to interpret it. And while I say I wish I was and could take out the fun of living, it's still nice to be on your toes sometimes. 2008 you haven't disappointed me yet but I leave that open as I still haven't crafted my own fate. As long as I am a breathing being, there will always be longing. I am waiting for that desire to take a different shape. Unmask itself and transform as I will.

An open letter of apology

So apparently I was like my male "friends" who forget women have feelings and I forgot that some of the most important ladies in my life are people too. But let it be known that last night's alcohol and emotion-induced rant was mostly directed towards some choice men in my life. Not who you think so stop it already. And who in the world is passing my writings around in facebook land? That's just scary! I mean, I'm not even that interesting. I just write about the same ole same old "oooh I want to be in Israel, but ooooh I'm gonna make myself cry in NY." Sheesh, even I'm tired of hearing it. So in conclusion, I love the ladies who still love me. Know that it was a result of sleep deprivation coupled with dehydration from the loss of too many tears.

Wanna laugh? I got asked out by my friend's brother who is 4 years younger than me (he's 22). Life is funny like that. I think I'm going to take to carrying my journal around with me again. Maybe it'll keep me out of trouble ;)

Damn

A year ago today I left one home to return to another. For weeks I had been anticipating this moment not knowing what to expect,if I would feel a sense of uneasiness if I would be depressed or indifferent. And now it hits me like a slap in the face out of no where that I was getting on a plane. I was saying goodbye and now I can no longer say with the same sense of pride that I "just came back from a year living in Israel" because in another day I'll have spent more time outside...unless you count that month from August to September...

I'm too confused and I don't know what to think or feel anymore about anything but I know eventually I'm going to be happy because here I had a life once too and I will and I do.

I don't know how to let go anymore

I recall a time when I used to run around the halls wearing a bra outside my long-sleeved sesame street shirt from when I was 3 that fit me like it was painted on. How my parents let me out of the house in something so form-fitting is beyond me.

I think every other week I find myself thinking that I wish I gave more and got into the habit of carrying change in my pocket. I want to do that for real. I need to give more yo.

P.S. I'm going to Miami for shavuot but I'd rather be in Israel.

P.P.S. I may sublet from a friend soon if I can afford it. Stay tuned.

I want to live in neve tzedek and hertzliya pituach

You got that future husband? We're living there period. End of story. So you better start saving up. And we're going to have lots of babies. You'll have to change the diapers but I'll breastfeed. Which is a big time commitment on my part. So you do yours because they'll need a big backyard to play soccer in and I'll need a place to sun in when I get my read and write on while they're at the gan and I'm not breastfeeding. Anyway, future husband, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.

I feel like one of those American Jews

A year ago today I was in Israel. Tonight I sit in a hall watching Israel's independence day like it's a spectacle and not something to live.

Flatlining

Last night I confessed to a friend that I've been feeling rather stagnant as of late. Nothing seems to rile me up and so I feel like I'm flatlining. I have no passion for life. No endorphins to be released.

I feel nothing for work except they pay me. I wish I could evoke some sort of emotion,conjure some false enthusiasm but I can't. Today I just felt run down. I like when the office is quiet in the morning.

Last night I truly laughed and sang and whooped, only to regret it in the morning. I need something more than a temporary fix. I need to know where I'm going besides in circles.

Is this a borderline depression I've been pacifying for the past year? I think I need to be medicated at this point. An injection of adrenaline or some uppers.

I need to hit the sauce more often. I need daily doses of sunshine. I need a one way ticket to...