I want to live in neve tzedek and hertzliya pituach

You got that future husband? We're living there period. End of story. So you better start saving up. And we're going to have lots of babies. You'll have to change the diapers but I'll breastfeed. Which is a big time commitment on my part. So you do yours because they'll need a big backyard to play soccer in and I'll need a place to sun in when I get my read and write on while they're at the gan and I'm not breastfeeding. Anyway, future husband, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.

I feel like one of those American Jews

A year ago today I was in Israel. Tonight I sit in a hall watching Israel's independence day like it's a spectacle and not something to live.

Flatlining

Last night I confessed to a friend that I've been feeling rather stagnant as of late. Nothing seems to rile me up and so I feel like I'm flatlining. I have no passion for life. No endorphins to be released.

I feel nothing for work except they pay me. I wish I could evoke some sort of emotion,conjure some false enthusiasm but I can't. Today I just felt run down. I like when the office is quiet in the morning.

Last night I truly laughed and sang and whooped, only to regret it in the morning. I need something more than a temporary fix. I need to know where I'm going besides in circles.

Is this a borderline depression I've been pacifying for the past year? I think I need to be medicated at this point. An injection of adrenaline or some uppers.

I need to hit the sauce more often. I need daily doses of sunshine. I need a one way ticket to...

Chalomot metukim

I wished my grandmother last night before going to bed. "At cholemet?" she asked, to which I responded, "B'ezrat Hashem."

After I awoke this morning, while brushing my teeth I remembered I dreamt of him. We were kissing in bed and when I tried to go further he protested. In my dream I thought maybe it was because of his girlfriend. But back in reality I remembered what we ceased to do after 3 months into our relationship. I hope by the time I'm 40 he'll stop visiting. It just makes me feel odd in the morning.

Kate Nash plays in my head

"My fingertips are holding onto...

...the cracks in our foundation...

...and I know that I should let go but I can't..."

She sings an acoustic, slow, drawn out version of her song in my head. Usually it's upbeat, when I am, but today is not the case.

She sings this way only for me as we lament about love lost and location lost
hoping to land a final destination soon.
Because it's been too long since I've last been there and almost as long since you've been here

With Pesach comes summertime

This is the first Pesach in a couple of years that I am back in New York, and while my location has changed, one thing is still the same: the arrival of Pesach brings the feeling of summer. Even with the hustle and bustle of rushing before shabbat and preparing for 2 days of chag, I stopped to feel the warm air around me and the sun on my skin. The deliciousness of it all was almost too much to bear and it just didn't feel like shabbat was coming. It felt like a whole new season. Like the gray clouds of New York were finally melting away.

I had lovely seders, although different and kitniyot-free, and I still managed to read the paragraph with the word "shadayim" in it, bringing me back to a house in Hertzliya where they laughed and I didn't get the joke. I was so innocent then ;)

I'm still waiting for 2008 to bring all of its glory and splendor. I think it's time I stop putting so much pressure on this year and just let it happen.

P.S. I miss you.

You know what my problem is?

There are too many options out there. I can see myself living happily in 5 different places with any of 5 different people. This is a problem for me. I think it's why I can't always see myself as a family person. And yet I always say I want between 3 and 5 children depending on the day.

Sometimes I say jackass things like, "I'll probably be single forever!" knowing it's dumb, annoying and not what I want. But I say it anyway because I'm a scaredy puss. I'm afraid to make a decision and stick with it. I'm afraid to love one person forever. I'm sorry and I really hope to overcome it someday. Because I want what Susi has. I want a love worth fighting for. I want a love that reminds me of summertime.