I know I've been quiet for a while, but maybe it's because there's just too much to say. My mind has just been one big question mark for months and every iteration of myself feels like the same. Like any number of versions of me. Was 2004 self any different than current self? Other than 7 years difference, I'm not so sure. When I was 22 possibilities were endless. Light. Room for casualty. Seven years later there is a heaviness to everything. There is weight in every decision I make.

I've realized that lately the person who makes me happiest is also the one who triggers me to reach terrible sadness. What makes it worse is that he doesn't know, and I don't put any blame on him. No, I choose to blame those around me whose unsolicited 2 cents I allow to get inside my head and in turn affect this relationship. I also blame myself for not being more direct.

When we're in the same bed, sleep comes easy for him. The roles reverse and I am the one who stays up at night contemplating my life's uncertainties. Going over mental checklists of my friends, placing them in their rightful categories: engaged, married, expecting. I do not fit in any category. I could stay like this in limbo forever. And that is the sadness, dear friends.