I go to check my friend's blog to see if she's written anything new. Before the page fully loads I see she hasn't. And before the photo of her last post unblurs itself I try to close the browser. But it's too late. The image of a rainy winter's day in Tel Aviv comes into focus and my heart tightens before I can manage to click a button.
How I try to avoid that image. Because it's too hard for me to face the fact that I might be in NY to stay so I try not to let these reminders of small failure get to me. That I only managed 4 seasons and every time I return it's for the same summer fantasy. That I never could summon the money like I did that first time. That I never could muster the courage to dig out suitcases, passports, clothes for every season, and a smile. That I still look for love even though it's in the wrong places.
See, that one photo evokes too many memories of walking city blocks, back tracking steps just so I could avoid crossing flooded streets. That photo brings me back to survival because I never experienced a winter like that, filled with heart ache from heart break from a relationship that always seemed to be fighting something. And lately I always seem to be fighting myself. One Gemini twin always seems to know what's best and like Rivka's belly my gut tries to pull me in two different directions. And again, stuck at a crossroads. Where will this poem take me. Where will my own destiny take me. And all too often I dream that someday I'll be back walking those flooded streets.
