8/29/10

Your disingenuous ways have made me question everything
Like why men feign love and devotion all for the sake of sex that doesn't happen
Why 3 subway stops once separated my heart from yours
Left me waiting and anticipating
Seemed like infinite hours
And now I can't wait for you to be so far away from my F train.
You can keep the G
Be gone with it. Ride it all the way to San Francisco.
There will be no flowers left at your doorstep for you to place in your hair
No silent vigils when you leave
No dramatic returns of items that belong to you
Just the waiting and the waiting and the glorious waiting for you to leave this borough that was/is yours
Will soon be mine
Waiting waiting delicious waiting for Brooklyn to become my new love
My new lover
I will go down on Brooklyn
Go down in Brooklyn
Brooklyn and I will go down in history as being the most genuine couple
Novels will be written about us
Posters with our bodies on it
Musky oils made to smell like our sex
Left as lingering reminders
Evoking memories of summer love that expired well before its time.

Bearded men not Jewish
Kipa wearers
Married facial-haired men are the only "trust-worthy" ones
I fight to wake up another day
I fight through crowds
Beards
Accents
Don't talk to me
I wear pants to confuse you
Let's meet for a drink and talk Torah
I'll tell you how Jerusalem lacks Holiness for me
I'll confuse you
Maybe I'll shock you
Maybe that's what I want
Maybe I don't know what I want
Summer's slipping through my fingers
So's my libido
It happens
I'll just drink and dance
And you'll pause
Scratch your head
Shake it
Shake me away

This suddenly feels like a bad f*cking idea

I like to say that nine years ago I could have never predicted that I'd turn out to be "modern orthodox," however I know the truth is otherwise. That if someone would have let me peek at my future amidst hits of ecstasy, I would've known this to be true. That eventually, somewhere along my life's graph, I would find meaning in the mundane; open my heart to belief; that one day I would find G-d, whether at that moment in time or 20 years from then, I knew it would happen; I could see it coming.

So why then, 9 years down the line, when I'm the girl who bares cleavage while making brachot, would I willingly enter a living arrangement with more potential difficulties than ease? Maybe it makes sense within the confusion, as I never seem to go for the easy choices, for the decisions that always follow logic. No, instead I go against the grain. Throw logic to the wind and tell G-d in defiance that I'll make it work, as if He has no choice in what will happen. But it's too late now. No turning back. No matter what, no matter how cyclical life becomes. It always seems a lost job is paired with a new apartment. Change your makom and you change your mazal, but is this any better? Time will tell.

So now I'm in the market for a bearded man who I can trust. Who will come bearing a blow torch and secrets of the Torah. Who will help make my home as Holy as it can be in the moment. It's funny how this whole time I was more concerned about kashering the kitchen than the size of my bedroom; toveling dishes over living room decor. And of course immediately after signing my soul to the devil all thoughts turn to Israel, and my heart has never experienced such hurt as seeing photos for the first time of a friend's ripening belly, round and ready to raise the future. These things, they happen. Life happens. Without caution. No stopping it now so I must go with the flow as cliched as I may become. There was another ending but then I got tired.

8/3/10

Looking at you makes me sick.
It didn't always.
I actually rather fancied you until you turned into an asshole.
Or at least in my eyes.

I don't want to love you anymore.
Don't have the urge to have your babies
Hold your hand
Stroke your hair
Or look you straight in the eye.
Instead, when I see your face, I have to hold myself back from vomiting just a little bit.

You became the rule when I thought you were the exception.
And now I'm realizing there are no exceptions.
At least not in my world.
So thank you for finally showing your true colors like they all seem to do.
Eventually.