So this is the deal...

I've decided that it's time to start a more adult chapter of my life. After a mini, less adult hiatus and a visit from bf, I've decided that I need to start making money. Money itself does not make me happy, but the security it provides does, and therefore just like most other Israelis, I have decided to find a job in NY, save money and when I think I have enough, go back to Israel - hopefully in a year or two tops with some visits in between.

While I find NY to be less fulfilling, I need to grow up already and start thinking about my future. I'm going to want things like a house and kids and the ability to purchase $200 shoes without thinking twice again, and so hopefully my time in NY will give me the good kick in the butt that I need.

I knew certainty was at my fingertips and now it's almost in my hands. I feel it brewing in my chest. While I am not looking forward to working for the man, I am looking forward to waking up at 7 AM and having a normal schedule again. I'm looking forward to dress pants and pointy shoes. I'm looking forward to a gym membership where I hold a passport to work out freely and incorporate it into my schedule, working it in between the office and a poetry reading or shiur. I'm looking forward to company-sponsored happy hours and not looking at the street while I walk to make sure I don't step in dog poop.

But I will miss my friends in Tel Aviv and the warm feeling I get in knowing I can pop by a Ginrod's apartment on the way to Ulpan, or ask to use bf's bathroom after a rally at Kikar Rabin. I'll miss the beach on Shabbat. Pot luck dinners. Friday brunch at Cafe Joe. Friends who come from all over the world to meet in this beautiful country we call Home.

Meetings are already being set up for next week. Hopefully it'll all be worth it. But the one thing I know is that if it's not, I can always tell my boss to shove it and return Home. Until then, I hope to see you in August.

This one too...

Feel-good song

The tension of opposites

"'Have I told you about the tension of opposites?' he says.
The tension of opposites?
'Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
'A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.'
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
'A wrestling match.' He laughs. 'Yes, you could describe life that way.'
So which side wins, I ask?
'Which side wins?'
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
'Love wins. Love always wins.'"

Perfection

Luv, luff, love. Happy. I don't know what to say really. I like this. A lot. Life will happen. It'll work out. It has to. And mom and dad - you're adults now; you'll get over it, whatever it is that happens. More than a good feeling, this is able to visualize your future in front of you. It's just the little details that need to be worked out.

...

I can almost touch certainty with my fingertips. As the Vegas wind rustles through my hair I wonder when we stop being so confused and uncertain and finally become content with the decisions that we have made in our lives. When do we stop questioning how we came to be but rather embrace where we are now? I remember an insatiable hunger for life before the urge to run came about. I remember strength engrained within me. When did the running all begin?

I know that I can make a decent life for myself no matter where I am placed, but first it takes the giant leap with eyes clenched tightly shut - a blind leap of faith.

If I could go back in time I would change everything and at the same time nothing. And so I am now trying to focus on only moving forward. I am letting go of you, Past, and looking forward to you, Future. Every day I only ask for G-d to grant me the strength to believe in myself as much as others. I fear the day when others worry more about myself than I. I pray for the ability to follow through. To let go of the Gemini in me for just long enough to make something as permanent as life allows. Grant me the tender moments that make you feel as warm and chosen as when a baby falls asleep on your chest. Grab me by the arms firmly with shoulders squared, look me straight in the eye and tell me how much you love me and need me in your life. And if not, then what is it that we are doing here at this precise moment...

Pre-Shabbess Ruminations

My mom is starting to remind me of my grandmother lately, and I see more of my mother in myself with each passing day. Does that mean that I will one day become like my grandmother? My grandmother was a wonderful woman, and unfortunately I don't think about her enough since her passing, but even so I want to be my own woman leaving my own impact on my children I will one day, G-d willing, have. I wonder if I will be an old lady teaching my grandchildren about poetry slams in New York City back in the 1990s and early 2000s before dreams of Israel came into reality. Maybe they'll think I'm crazy and so I will direct them to Wikipedia the Nuyorican Poets Cafe.

Lately I've been a busy-body, helping a close friend do all she can to secure a job for herself and trying to get another friend hitched. Well, really just making plans to show her Shabbat on the UWS and take one for the team by going out in groups so she feels comfortable. I like it. While not busy with work from which I can obtain parnasa, I'm content with personal work - my little extracurriculars that make me feel a sense of accomplishment by knowing I'm helping to make someone happy.

And I realized it's quite nice to now have religious friends in the neighborhood. I think I may actually like Shabbat at home more than in the city. Who'da thunk it? Let's see how Shabbat will be in Crown Heights - yikes!

Shabbat shalom l'kulam.