9/2/10

I'm trying to understand this thing called love. Why we as humans have this basic need for love. To love another, but more importantly to be loved. Why we hit a certain age where this quest for love consumes us, and if it didn't then happiness would come easier.

Why we feel less valuable without love. Why we cling when there's a glimpse of love in our midst, allow ourselves to be set up for a crushing fall when things don't go as that sliver of hope counted on.

Once, I wasn't 28. Once, I wasn't like this. Didn't feel this deadline looming over my head. I always looked for love in all the wrong places. Always looked for love lurking around the corner. But never like this. Never with this urgency. This rush. This disappointment. How do we reconcile this need for love? The weight of the world is love and now it's resting heavy on my shoulders to the point where my eyes brim with tears threatening to come out at any given moment at the thought of once potential lovers who just want to take take take so much all at once and then without a moment's notice just leave with everything they were able to get out, and when you've already been sucked dry what else is left to give to the next? But the thing is, just when we think there's nothing left to give there's always some reserve we find tucked away far behind our secrets we save for late nights staying up with lovers licking opened wounds.

I've tried praying. I've tried talking to G-d sincerely and earnestly, leveling with Him, bargaining. I've written a list hoping it would manifest itself in the form of a perfect person created just to complement me. I've threatened to switch teams when I've become too jaded. And I know the advice that will be given is to not sweat it and not stress. Is anyone able to do that successfully without the help of our vices to distract us? How strong can I pretend to be before I crumble underneath the gaze of a man who holds the promise of a future in his hands?