What to write, what to right...

Hello all there out there in cyberspace. It's been quite a while since I've felt connected, I think we've disconnected a bit. I constantly wonder what to write while dreams of the past make me wonder what to right...

The dreams came back to haunt me. Shavuot eve, sick in someone else's bed, alone. I tossed and turned one dream into another, my body wanting you, my subconscious him. I dreamt of people of my past as well as the present. I was looking for something, going somewhere, uncertainty was present certainly. He was nice, I believed, I was proven wrong.

I wish this religion permitted my future to be told. Let my cards be read and the lady in Nachlat Binyamin will tell me where I should live. The Angel Bethesda will point me in the right direction. I cannot believe that I deserve the mundane. On the contrary I believe that I am destined for the subtle greatness that exists in rearing children conscious enough to make the right decisions; that exists in bringing culture to a place where it wasn't before; in advising one's peers. I would like to be a shepherd in my own way in my own right, isn't it my right to live where I feel the most free even if my bags must be checked wherever I go?

My birthday is fastly approaching and I want to feel like I am ready for impending adulthood. It is unavoidable, so isn't it time to stop running? Why can't my descisions be as strong as people perceive me to be? For this birthday, I beg and pray please for certainty in my life, and the strength to back up my decisions and follow through 110%.

In other news, yes I miss living near the beach, and I miss hand-holding and bottle of wine-drinking even though I have seemed to put on a few pounds and so much much more. Wedding season is upon us and it makes me wonder what my regrets are if any and why. I want the life I am supposed to have, and not the life I should have had.