Someone hook me up with a good travel agent

Wedding season's a-comin' and I need me some cheap tickets to Israel.

I've figured it out

First of all, let me preface this by saying I am LOVING this mobile blogger!

Anyway, so I'm going through this phase of regret coupled with this confusion. I am all at once immersed in this "fast-paced" world that is New York just trying to make a life, and realizing that a life not truly lived isn't worth living. And at those moments of clarity I miss Israel the most. Where I never knew how rich my life was until now. So in these days of late I keep thinking about how I can envision myself moving back and wondering how soon or if it really will be a reality.

But if that's the case, why am I planning to move into the city when money can be saved best at home? I guess because I have to live that life too. I just wish I wasn't going to live it alone...

You know, sometimes I still very much want the apartment in Neve Tzedek with the garden and Tzfat-azure shutters (I'll fight for the dog too). I look forward to the possibility of someday. I look forward to 2008 bringing the grandeur I hoped for.

Shavua tov.

I keep having the weirdest dreams

It started about a month ago when I had a sex dream about a friend. I was wearing this yellow t-shirt I got from fashion week and my green boy-cut shorts. I woke up puzzled but ignored it, writing it off to a repressed sexuality of late.

Then two nights ago I had a dream where I was with the Brit boy at our engagement party. He was in his typical dress - sweater and pants - and I was dressed pretty frum - black and white striped skirt with black three-quarter sleeved shirt and stick straight hair.

What I found odd was that in my dream I knew I didn't have a ring and I couldn't recall being proposed to - it was just all implied. Just like his intentions of coming to the states just to get is engaged and whisk me off to Israel. And of course my mom in typical fashion says to me, "I don't think this is such a good idea." But apparently his bubbe did only it was a friend's bubbe and she was wearing a blue sweater with sparkly wifebeater underneath.

He and I eventually snuck off to the side away from everyone to fool around but stopped when his bubbe came into the room but didn't see us.

That's what I get for eating Mac n cheese and pickles before bed.

Then last night I had an odd dream as well. I was at my ex's parents' house for shabbat or something and he was there with a couple of friends - one of which I had to remind to don a kippa - and some girl who was supposed to be his current girlfriend.

Another part of the dream involved me driving a white Jeep that was supposed to be my friend's and she was in the passenger seat and I kept speeding and driving in circles until we spun out of control and I crashed the back and side of the car.

That's what I get for eating honey bbq chips and sour cream before bed.

And then all day today I couldn't shake the feeling that my being here isn't some big mistake and I should be in Israel where you get to really LIVE and that I wish I was married and on the way to raising children. Weird huh?

This is a life?

I ask myself that quite often these days as I roam the New York City streets.

Sigh is the the sound of my heart

And heavy it weighs.

I have a secret

But I can't tell you. I'm sorry. I really want to. I want to shout it from the rooftops b/c it makes me secretly so happy...for others involved. And a teeny bit for me too. That's all.

In other news, I don't know what to do at parties anymore. They make me feel socially awkward. I miss my ladies. I hear October is a lovely time to go back to TA...

2008 and I'm back at square 1

Cyclical. I really like the sound of that word. It also happens to be true to my life. I graduated college almost 4 years ago. That's also around the time he and I broke up. Four years later and another relationship seemingly ended and in this cyclical life of mine I am back at square one.

And all day I had a line of my friend's poem running through my mind - "and then I realize...I'm lonely." That's when it kept hitting me. 2008 was supposed to be this magical year where big things happen. And yes, I'm employed and yes, I am slowly saving up and yes, soon my friend will move back and we'll look for a place to move into together but really it's March already and before I know it, it'll be April and then the weather will change and it'll get warmer, and then my birthday and I'll be friggin 26 and I'm counting on being single then too and before you know it, it'll be a year since you told me you'd move here so we could be together and you know what? I'll still count on being single because yes, if I really loved you as much as I said I did I'd move back but if you really did believe your own words when you said you'd move here for us you'd be here too. And maybe we're both back at square 1 and you'll be rational and I'll be emotional and you'll move on and I'll cling on to memories past, and it'll feel just like 4 years ago and 4 years later the same thing will happen. I'll go through some life-changing experiences but at the end of the day I'll still count on being single through it all and you'll move on and then I'll be looking at photos of your children and their smiling faces wondering once what could have been.

Sometimes my life feels like a cartoon

Like when I dream that I am in a car chase with Homer Simpson and my parents are hot on our trails in a place that is supposed to be Miami but the buildings feel like Israel.

Or when I dream where I'm watching sea otters flying over the ocean and trying not to get eaten by sharks.

It's 10:45 at night in Israel

And I'm here at my desk feeling helpless. Much like I once did 3 years ago during the hitnagkut, the removing of Israelis from the shtachim - the settlements. Not being able to wrap my mind around it, watching the news unravel before my eyes while at work I used to sit and write, much like I am now, just so I could grasp what was going on in the world on the other side. I still feel like even if I'd only be watching the news, I'd rather it be there.

In case you don't know, there was a terrorist attack at a seminary in Jerusalem. When I first heard of it, it was around the time when Israeli youth would start getting ready to go out. Thursday night is party night you know. Or at least it used to be when I was there.

Hashem yishmor aleinu.

These are the things I know to be true

1. I really miss Israel. Everything about it. The smells, the sun, the rude people, the pushing, the fighting just to have a place in line at the supermarket. The produce, the madness of the shuk on a Friday, being able to toivel dishes in the Mediterranean Sea on the same day as getting your tongue pierced on a first date. My friends, my extended family, my friends who have become my family. My open mic which is no longer "my" open mic. Magic Burger, Cafe Joe, the kosher ice cream place a few blocks up from Kikar Rabin, Kikar Rabin and the heart that was painted on the steps. Memories of standing at Kikar Rabin on top of those steps. Avoiding the people offering free hugs but smiling while watching others get free hugs. Chatting with the kiosk guy next to Magic Burger. Meatos, Ginsburg, Alter Nativ, Brunos, Big Apple Pizza, and any other kosher food joint I love and used to frequent. The beach, Yaffo, walking on the beach and looking at Yaffo. Old school Lima Lima on a Thursday night. Complaining about going to Lima Lima every Thursday night. Claras. Complaining about going to Claras. Weddings I wish I was at. And so much more.

2. I know that I am a perfect example of not knowing what you've got until it's gone. Or at least until there's that threat of it being gone. Because now that the threat is there, I want it so desperately that I'm making mental plans for the future. This is not like me.

3. My job gives me anxiety. But I think I am going to continue to pretend I love it so I can move up the corporate ladder. Plus, I really do like my new Crackberry.

4. I believe that technology brings people closer together in theory. In practice is a whole other story. Maybe I'm a Luddite.

Luddite \LUH-dyte\ noun

: one of a group of early 19th century English workmen destroying laborsaving machinery as a protest; broadly : one who is opposed to especially technological change