Is my blog space really that sad?

A friend pointed out today that my blog is so sad! I can understand that I tend to take this solemn tone when I'm nostalgic and longing for years of my youth, but I promise I am not depressed - at least not right now - and when I have more positive things to report I will let you know. But most of those things are too private :)

And this is what I remember

New Year's two years ago, balancing friends, a then-boyfriend, and in between comforting a mourning friend we met. You don't remember that moment, when you told me your name and I said "oh so you're _______," like I had heard so much about you and it was a pleasure to finally meet.

When in fact you probably heard more about me, the American who "wasn't like the other girls," you would later decide that it was time to get to know me better. State your intentions. Ever the English gentleman.

New Year's two years ago in the middle of the countdown my then-boyfriend frantically searching for my face, asking the night, "Where's my girlfriend?" I reappeared just in time for our New Year's kiss. How laughable that we place such importance on that one moment in time when weeks later our relationship ran its course. Would it have made a difference if that kiss had been spared?

I don't want a New Year's kiss unless it's with someone I love. Because it's almost 2009 and I'm still trying to figure out what happened to 2007. Wondering how different and beautiful my 2008 would have been. Remembering all the great expectations we placed on this year, 2008 I will kiss you goodbye - slowly and bitter-sweet. You never did live up to your promises.

I'd like to make an observation

Some of the craziest people are in NY and most of them just might be in this starbucks...

I am trying to write you a letter. I am failing miserably. This is because I want to tell you 5 things at the same time and don't know where to start. I wish you were here. Because then there would be no need for this letter. And if you were here, well, I'd have another reason to smile.

Somewhere in another time zone I had a best friend. If you see him, tell him when his hair is getting too long.

Yes

Gray Or Blue - Jaymay

I had a dream about you last night

It was so vivid and felt so real, like I actually believed we were hanging out together again. And you looked so good, it was so great to see you - I even said that in my dream - like we were old friends who were reuniting after some time spent apart.

Of course the setting is Israel, in a hall and the event felt like a wedding however the celebration was only in honor of you. And when I got there, it felt like I belonged. Your friends were wearing light blue t-shirts with cute, possibly Zionistic, statements reminiscent of an American bar mitzvah. We laughed, I think we danced. You led me around and I was so ecstatic to be there. I like to believe that you were thinking of me in those moments I was dreaming. Like you willed us to be together, even if it was in a parallel universe - the only one where we can be together.

I wish I could tell this to only you, so that you would take my sentiment as sincere. But I still feel like I'm treading shallow water, walking on eggshells, any saying that will let you know I'm insecure.

I wish so many things had happened differently. I wish I could only say them out loud. To you. Alas, the Sabbath beckons me nearer, and I hope to meet you again tonight in a parallel universe that is our own.

A Man Without a Country

"Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

-- Kurt Vonnegut

I want

Bookcases
Painted walls
The feeling I get when I see you holding a baby

Sandwich and waffle makers
Homemade pancakes on Sundays
Coffee in bed

Black & white and color photo montages mounted on my walls
Order to differentiate from the chaos
Candles to be lit
Wax drip overflowing

I want you
To remember what it felt like to be in love
To run into the ocean
Crash into the waves harder than they crash into you
To laugh loudly and so hard your belly hurts

I want someone to dance with in the kitchen
and sing with in the shower
To want to hold my hair when I'm sick
but allow me to push away

I want you
To remind me why this started in the first place
Help me actualize every dream I ever had
Bring childhood hope and adolescent passion into an adult awakening

Today I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much my heart hurts. I can feel the ache in the hole in place of where you once stood. I don't know if we will ever understand the kind of love we had, or resolve it or be able to put it on a shelf only to return to it later. This may be the end of our saga.

I know nothing except that I have been left out in the darkness. Sometimes I sit here, waiting for you to turn the light on and let me in.

I see your name everywhere. I still think it's beautiful.

Today I put your earrings on and try to remember a piece of you. I still hope you are well.

Let your ears find love

http://www.myspace.com/melekyonin

It is December

It is December and all I can think about is hibernating all winter spent in front of a lit fireplace huddling together over cups of hot cocoa keeping warm, warming our love, listening to music, watching movies, cooking meals that will sustain us, holding hands, waking in bed together, tip-toeing to the kitchen on frozen floor boards to make coffee. It is December and I am remembering that we have never spent one together.

Butterflies

I don't know what this means
but I do know that feeling this way
is better than not

Purpose, timing and projects

Today my eyes opened around 7am. This is an incredible concept to me for a couple of reasons: 1. because lately my body just craves a lot of sleep, 2. I fell asleep around 2am after watching an episode of Coupling and Gavin & Stacey on BBCA, and 3. because these days I tend to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed before 10am.

But today was a little different. I have a lunch date and even though it doesn't occur until 2, well, I guess I wanted to be prepared. Put my best foot forward. So as I tip-toed out of bed after I came to terms with the fact that I was awake before 1pm, I realized I had a sick, sleeping roommate on the couch and had to tip-toe even more. Just my luck that when I want to make a cup of coffee at 7:15am I need to be mindful of the noise that washing my favorite coffee mug and putting on the kettle bring.

In other news, I have decided to take on a little project of mine. I have decided that I need to write more poetry no matter how big or small. So for every day of this month, I am attempting to actually set aside the time to write a new poem. For the 7 of you who are actually reading this, I'd like to ask a little favor. If you think of a topic - even if it's about eating avocados on Wednesdays - let me know via the various methods of contact. I'm open!