A change is gonna come

Or maybe it already has. I think it happened at the exact moment when I watched the sun set from Har Ben Tal. Or maybe it was even before that, on the way to Jerusalem from Tel Aviv on the sheirut when for the first time in my life I thought, "I can see myself living here for 5 years." And yes I know that 5 years is not the same as a life-long commitment but, for me, any commitment is a big deal.

Maybe it started when I began to revisit the jazzmen. When I was given a breath of fresh air. When I decided that I needed more poetry in my life. Maybe culture is a catalyst for change in my life, change in the world. All I know is that I haven't felt this free in months. I feel more like myself than in recent months. I feel like this cycle is about to move on the the next phase; go from unbearable angst, depression, melancholy and sickness to a refreshing revival where I feel like I've finally "got it." Like I feel completely connected and one with the world around me. And to aid it to continue, I think I am going to resign myself to more hip-hop, more James Brown, more Amy Wine-(Whore)-house, more poetry, more wine, more fresh air, more green, more sunshine, more walks in Tel Aviv at night, more things that make me happy. A bigger change is gonna come. I'm ready.

אני 3> את הצפון

I love the North and I love this country and I love my friends who "get" me and...and...yeah.

This past Thursday I took a mental health day, as I like to call it, and went with a friend who was kind enough to whisk me away up North, past cities with women who are like models, past dosim, up to where all you can see is green and cows and sheep (and the occasional ugly-ass metal sculpture) and the air is so wet it curls your hair and it's so clean it weighs you down heavy.

This weekend was exactly what I needed. To just get away...from everything. From phone calls and maintainance. I'm very relaxed, at peace, and certainly geared up for tonight's open mic. In fact, I feel like I'm floating.

http://orthodoxanarchist.com/2007/02/25/private-jokes-are-the-best-jokes/

Things are looking up

So far the jazzmen played and lifted my spirits, friends are about to visit, I have television, I actually drank and enjoyed a beer, the sun is shining, and this open mic gig appears to be taking off. Oh, and I'm finally - FINALLY - heading up North this weekend. Things appear to be looking up. Let's just hope it stays that way :)

Countdown

When I arrived in Israel the first time back in March, I always had a tentative date of return in my mind which shortly after turned into "whenever I get sick of being here." Well that never happened. Three months turned into until Shavuot, turned into the war, turned into Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hakafot HaShniot, turned into simply "I don't wanna leave." And I truly didn't. The main reason why I went back to NY for that month was because I felt that I needed give it a shot, however half-hearted it was.

When I returned to Israel I had a concrete date to return to NY and a reason, as well as this idea that it would be so easy to get settled in Tel Aviv. Well it wasn't. In fact it was one of the most challenging situations I had been in. Trying to balance finding an apartment, job, ulpan, and manage my health while not being a burden on anyone was really difficult for me. I felt like I wouldn't succeed with any of it and that I'd have to go back to NY out of despair. But Hashem has a funny way of taking care of me. Eventually I got settled. Two months later and I have finally found my place here, no matter what funk I seem to be in.

A by-product of working in corporate America means that I schedule weekly reminders in my Outlook. Yesterday I scheduled my new Ulpan days and times, as well as my new chevruta time. "This event will end after 26 occurances." Crap. See, I always knew that I'd go back to NY in the middle of May, end of May the latest, to be all ready and maybe a little tan for my friend's wedding in June. And I still tell myself that while I am leaning towards staying in NY indefinitely upon my return, I always give myself till Pesach time to really get my act together. But when I saw the remainder of my stay in terms of "occurances" it scared the crap out of me. Twenty-six more Ulpan classes. Thirteen more chevruta classes. Does that make thirteen more jazz nights as well? How many more drinking nights with the girls are left? How many more Thursday nights do I have? How many Shabbatot will I have to split up between Tel Aviv and the rest of the country? So many families I haven't yet visited...so many things I have not yet done...

I'm terrified of the day when I have to leave this country. Terrified of the uncertainty that will seep inside of me. Of the reality that next time I will have to give NY a real try. I owe it to myself. I know that I'll manage, that I will adapt eventually. And I will have fun being reunited with some of the only people who truly understand me and know me better than myself. But...I know that despite all the troubles I've had here lately...I will be leaving home...and right now I can't stand to bear that thought.

Feeling jazzy

One of the good things about living in Tel Aviv is that there always seems to be good music around. Anything you can imagine - we've got it. You can even find a live band playing at your local ice cream joint! But what I really used to dig in the summer was heading over to my favorite cafe on Friday before Shabbat started and checking out my favorite jazz band. I don't know their names, I don't know their ages, but I do know that I couldn't go a week without hearing them play. It's how I knew Shabbat was coming. They gave me the energy to carry myself into the next week. They made me feel like Dean Moriarty from On the Road.

Well, like most things with no explanation, Gordon 17 closed...and there went Friday afternoon jazz...until one night at a little jazz club in the namal (port) I was outside on the phone minding my own business when two sets of eyes met mine in surprise. My bassist and saxophonist. We had reunited.

That night was a bit of sickness (much like last night was) and talented music (also like last night), mixed in with good people, poetry and good energy. Once again I felt like Dean Moriarty...

I like to go back there whenever I can with as little people as possible to try and control the talking over the music. Last night was great. Five of us feeling lovely and I was feeling jazzy. While the musicians last night all seemed a little young, they were just as talented and were able to lift my spirits. Despite the constant coughing and refraining from booze, with every good chord of the piano I would jump up with a "yassss," and when my saxophonist came on like any proud mom, sister, supporter, I couldn't help but whisper a "blow, kid, blow."

I know last night was a Monday. And I know Shabbat isn't coming for a few days. But what I also know is that despite all the parties and heart-to-hearts, I haven't felt this good in weeks. There's something about the jazzman that, without fail, manages to energize me for the week ahead and leave me feeling jazzy.

Beau Sia, I think you're dreamy

Like a high school crush revisited
I remember what it feels like to have butterflies surround me in a Museum of Natural History exhibit
Or an autumn walk in New York City

Melancholy and the Infinite Sickness

I feel like I have been sick since I got here, but in truth I have been sick since 2 weeks after I got here, when I was stressed from the fear of not being able to find an apartment or a job and to live on my friends' couches out of my suitcases and borrow money from friends in the States or what seemed even worse at the time - go home. Go back to NY.

Knowing that this time was harder than the last, knowing that I was truly on my own although surrounded by so many people who made me feel loved, I felt drained and scared and tired and homeless until I also felt sick...

And then I also felt better. And better with a lingering cough but nothing dihabilitating. And better. And sick again but not as sick as the first time. And then better. And now like this. The doctor says I have bronchitis which is super fun! But not so bad where I need to be on drugs. He told me that I just need to have patience because everyone is sick here and we're just passing it on to one another. But how much patience can I have when I have been sick three (3!) times within the past 2 months. It's depressing and no one believes me. Not even the doctor. So I demanded antibiotics and I think at this point I'm willing to sacrifice drinking for ten (10!) days in order to have good health...

Just about sums it up

http://channahboo.blogspot.com/2007/02/mushy-muesli.html

Thanks Channah, you make my heart smile.

Weird dreams and perpetual sickness

Two nights ago I had a strange series of dreams that were all so graphic and vivid. I dreamt that I was pregnant, about to burst, and the baby was crowning - I literally saw half of my baby's forehead - topped with dark brown/black hair, then I woke up in a daze. Determined to know what happened in the dream, I forced myself back to sleep without my 9 months pregnant belly that was now post-partum flabby. I was in an apartment I didn't recognize in Tel Aviv with roommates I had never met before. In my dream I knew things had been rearranged and that they were angry with me. The nasty one said something about the babies (plural!). Was I a bad mother? Had I left my twins somewhere in the apartment unattended and this pissed off my roommates? I think I understood that the babies were with someone...who was supposed to be my mother? A guardian figure? I can't remember. Then there was the section with the television that didn't have cable and when I turned it on it had 6 channels. I can explain almost every part of these dreams, with multiple explainations for each part.

I wish I could write about them in a mythological way of great proportions like Susi can...but that would mean that I'd have to give it all and there are some things I want to keep for myself...or explain in person...

Well...I'm looking forward to tomorrow. A night of drinking, dancing, dress-wearing and feeling like a princess, if only for one night. So I hope I can fight off sickness till then. Yes, I'm sick again. For the third time since I got here. I'm convinced I will be sick through Pesach (G-d forbid!)

I want to say this one final thing. I have amazing friends here who are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. I hope that even if Prince Charming doesn't show us what it is to feel like a princess, we can do that for each other until he shows up.

Rain rain go away...

This weather is not good for me. It makes me sad...unless I'm in love. And I'm not in love. So what does this prove? That unless I repair some malfunction I have in my brain, I will forever be depressed come winter no matter what country I'm in.

One of my friends told me that although I "have a lot of baggage in New York," I shouldn't run away. But isn't that what I do? I mean, I've already got baggage here and I'd love to run away! B'kitzur...I kinda just wanted to put something down. I feel like shite. I want a hug. I have a good life here, I just need someone familiar to make things a little easier. Like when I move into a new apt. and the emptiness of it just makes me want to cry and I have no one's shoulder. Oh right, I moved to a new apt. till mid - end of May. I have Hebrew class (Ulpan) tonight and after that I work on starting an open mic here in Tel Aviv. I'm tired, I just want to lie under the covers and listen to the rain and just as I'm about to fall asleep have the man of my dreams knock on the door with flowers and an assortment of tea.

?איפה אני

היום אני מרגישה כל כך מוזר. כאילו הכל הפוך. אפילו אין לי מוסג איפו אני. אולי אני עדין שכורה, אבל זה לא נכון. הלכתי לאוטובוס שאני צריכה לנסוע לעבודה, אבל הלכתי בדרך שלא נכון. אולי אני אבודה...אולי אין לי מוסג מה קרה לי היום. אולי לא קרה לי כלום