Ringing in the new year ringing in the sheep
It's time to recount all our failures and hope we don't make the same mistake twice
It's time to recount our successes and hope we double them

Ring in the new year
Drop that ball
Ring that bell
And always make sure you have someone to kiss when the clock strikes 12
Phone calls to be made
In this day cell phone service fails at our hands writing text messages
Emails
Fingers dialing digits
Some looking for love
Some looking to give love

Times have changed

Another pseudo-sex dream

Ugh.

Haiku for fun

Girl, don't think with your / vagina. Instead think with / your head. Get it right.

I go to check my friend's blog to see if she's written anything new. Before the page fully loads I see she hasn't. And before the photo of her last post unblurs itself I try to close the browser. But it's too late. The image of a rainy winter's day in Tel Aviv comes into focus and my heart tightens before I can manage to click a button.

How I try to avoid that image. Because it's too hard for me to face the fact that I might be in NY to stay so I try not to let these reminders of small failure get to me. That I only managed 4 seasons and every time I return it's for the same summer fantasy. That I never could summon the money like I did that first time. That I never could muster the courage to dig out suitcases, passports, clothes for every season, and a smile. That I still look for love even though it's in the wrong places.

See, that one photo evokes too many memories of walking city blocks, back tracking steps just so I could avoid crossing flooded streets. That photo brings me back to survival because I never experienced a winter like that, filled with heart ache from heart break from a relationship that always seemed to be fighting something. And lately I always seem to be fighting myself. One Gemini twin always seems to know what's best and like Rivka's belly my gut tries to pull me in two different directions. And again, stuck at a crossroads. Where will this poem take me. Where will my own destiny take me. And all too often I dream that someday I'll be back walking those flooded streets.

Last night, in an attempt to induce sleep I pretended my pillow was man
Arm wrapped around it, pillowcase became chest hair as I ran my fingers through it.

This did not help. Instead I thought about my fantasy pillow man. Pretended to lock my leg between his, lay my head on his pillow chest and imagine whose face I would put on his.

Would he gaze at me in my sleep, wake me with soft kisses as I push him away from my fantasy morning breath
Would he bring me coffee in bed, paraphrase newspaper articles, suggest brunch at a quaint warm
cafe I would always be able to eat at in fantasy land

For 15 minutes before I finally dozed off into a dreamless sleep, I contemplated how my fantasy pillow man would fare as a lover and what kind of life partner he would turn out to be

Watching ish like this just makes me really nostalgic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXYDd2vLy24

Just sayin'

Tug tug, go the heart strings
Question everything, goes the uncertainty
Long for the past, goes the nostalgic memories
Go where it's sunny!, says the Seasonal Affective Disorder

Hush up and go away, says I

I hate that I miss you and I don't even know why. Oi, you ain't all that. - almost a haiku.

It has come to my attention that I am not a fan of douchebags who take photos with their hands in the form of peace signs - American douchebags or otherwise. Looking at photos of said douchebags makes me sick and vomit a little in my mouth. Even when I was 18/19 in college I was able to recognize my disdain for douchebags, although they were tolerable. Now I just find it sad. I don't know why I got so angry, but I just had to make it known that I never liked frat boys from Staten Island who rocked the blow out hairstyle and I never will.

You know you're getting older when

Exes start getting married.

Because the world is growing ever smaller thanks to the interwebs and the tools they bring us, I know my ex is starting a new chapter of his life. Soon. And I remember when I first found out. It was this numbing kind of shock that left me short of breath and my hands going on first instinct searching for the nearest alcoholic beverage. But then after a while my breathing became regulated again and something happened. I was okay with life going on.

I actually saw him not too long ago at an important place from our past. We were in the same room for hours and didn't say hello. I watched him and listened intently as he made a speech, and realized that this voice that was once so familiar was unrecognizable. And that face that I once wanted to wake up to forever was foreign to me. And then the strangest and most wonderful thing happened. I came to the realization that no matter how confused or in limbo my life might be right now, I'm still happier to know that I'm where I am today and that everything happened just as it did.

It's really weird how the subconscious works. For the past couple of weeks leading up to this moment I've been having dreams around his wedding, some involving friends from different parts of my life, one even involving another ex who in the dream was visiting NY and no one bothered to tell me he was in town.

It's strange, all these new beginnings and people evolving. And still, I'm okay. Almost...happy even.

The whole world's a-twitter

Social media is all everyone in my world seems to be talking about these days. I even found the once skeptical me obsessed and constantly connected once I installed TwitterBerry for my Crackberry. Now you know what keeps me up at night or occupies me when I can't sleep.

On the one hand, as a professional in the PR world, I understand how valuable a tool social media can be in helping my message and my clients' message reach so many people directly and in real time. Instead of just shooting commercial messages into outerspace there are real opportunities to connect with real people. But the problem is that marketing/PR/social media folk want to connect over every channel available from Flickr and Youtube to Facebook and Twitter. I've been guilty of it myself, tweeting links to Facebook Fan Pages.

But something happens when I'm on the receiving end of these messages. Brands are offering me the right to choose which of 3 options to communicate and receive information. I go with Twitter because that's the tool I am most plugged into (and I not-so-secretly despise Facebook for personal use). I am indirectly telling a brand my preferred method of communication. I am telling a brand which is the best way for them to reach me 24 hours a day. Yet that's not enough. Brands will still request that I become a Fan on Facebook. But how does that help them get their messages across when I opt out of receiving updates from Fan Pages?

I know I will find myself guilty of committing this type of crime in the future, with tweets of Facebook Fan Page links and blog posts of Youtube videos with a Flickr stream asking that they Digg it, but I hope that with every tweet and every video posted the consumer inside me will pay close attention before the professional in me clicks “share” too quickly.

My own Post Secret

I'm happy I didn't marry you.

(Aren't reunions grand?)

Even my drunk posts sound melancholy?!?

Oh man. I clearly know how to convey depression even when I'm not depressed. All I was going for in that last post of vodka-and-wine-infused honesty is that I'm enamored with Israel and most likely over New York. Which could be a good thing. You know, like slowly understanding my psyche and getting to the root of my instability as I not so secretly crave a stable life? Totally. Like that.

So anyway, how's everyone doing? Can you believe we're well into August? Soon the chagim will be here and I kinda dread that time because my family isn't religious so my holiday options aren't many and aren't ideal.

I'm in the running for a part-time position...in Philly. Any thoughts? Quit while I'm ahead or split my time between Philly and New York? Looking for advice. Those who know me, please give your advice through more direct means of communication. Thanks and have a glorious week!

My heart isn't in New York

It doesn't skip a beat like it does in Israel. And I know that New York is one of the best cities in the world - if not the best - but it doesn't make me feel as alive, as abuzz, as I do in Israel. I know, "so just move already," but friends, I'm just not ready. Soon, I feel it, I will be. I can't live with a constant sense of melancholy. I am the Gemini that needs to feel alive. Tonight someone told me that a Rav once said that after you spend an extensive stay in Israel and you leave, a part of your soul is left in Israel. Well that makes sense to me. That explains the overwhelming sensation that I'm not meant to be here. I know I will figure it out eventually in my own time, but for now just please appreciate that America isn't for me just like it's not for you. Home doesn't call to me in this accent. No, home tastes like honey and even if it feels like pushing in lines and aggression, I'm willing to fight to show that it doesn't have to be that way. Instead I want to live my life with every atom abuzz, every movement alight. I want to be where the rest of my soul is.

My fantasy haiku

My fantasy is
To show up at your door and
Punch you in the face

The Killers will get me through it

A stranger in a strange land

I feel like a chameleon in that I can slip back to New York or Tel Aviv with such ease. There's no shock to the body. Not a wink of jetlag. I automatically feel at home in either place, street corners evoking memories of a younger me.

Visiting kiosks, restaurants, shops, I am greeted by familiar faces, some who remember me instantly. To some I leave a carbon footprint subtly etched in their memory, perhaps left to think I look familiar but can't recall from where. It's comforting, this feeling that nothing really changes and every visit is a homecoming.

Then there's the contrast riding the way to the Central Bus Station, which has always seemed so foreign to me. I feel like an outsider, not quite understanding what goes on in this place. The way the shopkeepers seem so different with a way of thinking that is so unlike anywhere else.

Or Jerusalem. The one city which never seems to speak to me. Maybe it's because I've never quite opened my arms and my heart to her. Maybe because I've always felt like the odd Jew out. A stranger in a strange land, not being able to wrap my mind around all the different hats and clothes and what they mean. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin, never wanting to offend the people of Oh Jerusalem, never wanting to offend the shekhinah that resides in her walls, watching over us, over me.

And no matter how many times I whisper requests for spiritual epiphanies, nothing seems to come no matter how long I wait. Jerusalem of my mind, if only we could reach that point of coming together. If I wear the right clothes maybe you'll show me the light.

This is called "I need to get this off my chest" aka the blog I wrote but had to re-write because it deleted itself

Since I got here it seems like a dark cloud of drama has been following me. On Day 2 - not even 24 hours in Israel - we had the experience that felt more like a break-up than anything we ever had. The moment that ends everything. And now I've lost my friend.

On Day 6 I found out that my uncle died on Day 5. And I'm really angry because I lost my best friend and I can't just pick up the phone like I normally would. And I'm really angry because I've cried more in this past week than I have in 2009 thus far. I'm not normally an emotional person and the bigger things tend not to get to me but this time it's different. And sometimes I start shaking with anger just thinking about it.

Today, amidst Jerusalem madness, walking down torn-up streets I felt like I wanted to re-commit myself to this place. This place that doesn't necessarily make me feel more holy but makes me feel more alive. Today I felt normal, and I just want to be normal.

My wise friend told me that it's okay to admit that you're lost and don't know where you're going in life. So here goes: I'm lost and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.

So even though all I know is that I'm lost, at least that's something I know.

I want to write something so badly

Like how I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Like sometimes I want to love the one I'm with and sometimes I really do love the one I'm with. I don't know where I'm headed but all signs seem to point to home. And home is where the heart is. Or where I left my heart. No, I didn't leave it in San Francisco, but once upon a time I left it in New York before I left it in Tel Aviv before I brought it back to New York, took it to London, brought it back, took it to Tel Aviv again and maybe - just maybe - even left a tiny piece in Jerusalem. Are you sufficiently confused yet? Good. Welcome to my life.

I miss simpler times spent crying over boys and drinking to oblivion while chain smoking till the wee hours. I miss holding hands on the beach. I miss hugs. Lots of hugs. Because everyone seems to be so far away these days and why can't I be far away too? I need sunshine and water like beautiful flowers need to grow. I need kisses and beauty and art and sunshine. Lots of sunshine. And sand between my toes. Basically I need you. All of you.

Alright

So let's just say Montreal gave me some weird ass dreams. I dreamt I wished my ex's fiance mazal tov in a smaller scale Grand Central Station after seeing him and his parents from afar and being embarrassed for using a payphone. I dreamt I saw her on a sunny street where she didn't recognize me and instead spoke to me depending on the kindness of strangers and I stole something that was once in Iran. I dreamt something I won't describe here but it was real and made my heart rush from adrenaline.

And then there were the nights this past week where I couldn't sleep from excitement. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than 2 weeks in Israel. From the possibility of actually being able to spend more than one month in Israel. I almost don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it but I have big thoughts big plans and they definitely involve working out of Tel Aviv cafes and breakfast on the beach. Or wherever the heck http://www.sabraheart.blogspot.com/ hangs out and gets those waffles. Thoughts like these (and others) make my heart a-flutter and I can hardly contain my excitement. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. B'ezrat Hashem I hope to have more deets in these coming weeks. In the meanwhile I will soak up the sun in between performances in sunny Florida and pretend I am looking down the tayelet towards Yaffo.

How is it already half-way through March?

Where does the time go? Well, I'm still waiting for Spring to come but in the meantime my leggings underneath jeans keep me warm and nostalgia for places I have no real loyalties warm my heart. For the past few days I have become increasingly filled with longing for London. It's amazing what lasting impression a short stay can leave on a person. Well Brits, know that your lovely little city left me wanting more even if you don't.

I have been having odd nightmares lately. For those (15 of you reading) who don't know, I have picked up a hip-hop group as my very first client as an independent publicist. We are throwing an album release party this coming Saturday night and I am tasked with ensuring we get some media to attend. As this is my first attempt at music publicity, and while I love Mos Def as much as the next person, I am no hip-hop head and this is all very new to me. I had to call my client very after-hours to check in, more for myself, to make sure they are happy with my work thus far. Truthfully, I'm nervous. And that nervousness has manifested itself in my dreams. One nightmare kept waking me as Google alerts, press releases and e-mails swirled through my head.

Yesterday my Shabbos nap turned into a daymare as I dreamt I lost my laptop and my client files weren't backed up. I panicked that I would have to start my media lists from scratch and would have to search through old e-mails. Am I too vested in my work? That wasn't all; I realized I lost my laptop while in a Judaism class I was taking, apparently in addition to my copyediting class which I really am taking in reality. The professor wrote a note for me on one of my assignments asking me if I was working for a Hillel or something and asked why I was taking the class. How could I have even crafted an answer when media lists were controlling my brain and I had a virtual crisis?

Well, today I am speaking some Hebrew phrases on the concept of passing time over a track my friend/client is recording. Pretty nifty huh? Maybe I am entering a whole new stage of life, or something like that. I still need to motivate to find a full-time gig. But it's so wonderful that my show is in an open-ended run and we are traveling once a month. South Beach, here we come! And Chicago too. Maybe Israel can even be in the cards?

I just want to let you know that even though I've been quiet, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say. I still have odd dreams where certain people appear. I still am wondering what the eff I am to do with my life. The show I'm in is going quite well b"h. We will be taking our show on the road and performing in some warmer cities this and next month. I'm very excited about the prospect of being on a beach but that just means I need to get my butt to the gym.

The job I had my heart set on didn't work out. C'est la vie. I have taken on a solo PR project. I am repping a hip-hop group. It's different. They're talented so that makes things easier on me.

I'm tired so that's all I am saying for now but I am happy to finally have said something. Sorry for being so quiet. Chag Purim sameach xx

MTA Haiku

Every weekend
Construction, it never fails
Why, MTA, why?

My dreams are getting strange!

Seriously. I dreamt many many things including a play called the Gospel Plays where one scene included a parody of the Obamas! Another included my friend and I trying to run for a bus we never caught. Then it morphed into me spending Shabbat dinner with my engaged ex's mom and younger brother who, normally devout and sincere in his Judaism, was texting! Then I was suddenly seated on a windowsill in a NYC apartment next to said ex's fiance talking about how she was a convert. That segueyed to me walking down NYC streets with ex's mom who was so upset because her son was marrying a convert and not me. WEIRD. Can't I just dream that I can fly?

My dreams just keep getting more interesting

So a few weeks ago I had a dream about a religious friend of mine from college. I haven't seen him in real life since his wedding almost 2 years ago. In my dream we were just hanging out, shooting the sh-t. He was even wearing a black hat to match his white shirt and black pants. In my dream he told me that his wife was pregnant with twins and from her first pregnancy she also delivered twins.

I tend to be right about dreams like this. I also tend to never see my friend on-line, so of course I practically attacked him when I saw his name pop up on my computer screen. I told him all about my dream and while he said he "couldn't say about twins..." his wife is expecting around Pesach (b'shaah tova)! Yeah, I know. I'm kinda like a modern day prophetess, so watch out if I have any dreams about YOU.

A couple of weeks later I had a dream about an ex boyfriend. The only details I can remember is that we were sitting on the subway together and he had a clear box of small pastries - one definitely looked like the napoleans I used to bring on Shabbat for his parents. My clear box had six small cupcakes with frosting and different colored sprinkles on top. We ate our baked goods and chatted like old times, like we haven't done in probably 5 years. And when I woke up...I felt...so good! So content because it was really nice catching up with him. Weird, right? But it felt so real.

A week or two later I had a dream about another, most recent, ex. Unfortunately it has slipped my memory because last night I had another dream about him. I was also left feeling content like the way you feel when you've caught up with an old friend. Last night's dream was a bit different. Something about his laptop - it was having some issues (much like mine is having in real life), and we were going to the supermarket because we were cooking but I think we had some issues trying to find some kosher items. Still, it was really nice to see you :)

In other news, technology is just not on my side lately. I am having a lot of issues. My laptop keeps overheating and randomly shutting down so I need to send it out to be serviced, which means I'll be laptop-less for about a week once I ship it out. Last night my phone sorta broke and it won't recognize that the charger is plugged in and I currently have one bar of battery left. So that means it's a trip to Verizon today! Awesome.

I have a huge interview slated and I'm so excited about it I get butterflies when I think about it. It feels good to be excited for a job because I haven't felt like this since September.

I've been on a cooking trip lately. Yesterday I made malawach which became fatoot when I added an egg and cheese to it. And then of course I had to eat it with sour cream and schug, israeli salad and yogurt. That's not too fat kid is it? And then I got hungry late last night and decided to make a stir fry, adding honey and brown sugar to my teriyaki sauce. YUMMMMM. Tonight I shall attempt goat cheese empanadas. Maybe I should go to the gym to burn off come calories in advance...

I do have more to write about. Much more, in fact. But I've gotta get on with my day. Mucho mucho love-o xx

I Lego NY

http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego-ny/

Apparently I'm a white person

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/01/11/120-taking-a-year-off/

#120 Taking a Year Off
January 11, 2009 by clander

When someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering. Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks vacation and every statutory holiday ("they don't count because I had to spend them with family.")

Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be "accomplishments" many white people view them as burdens. As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to "take a year off" to travel, volunteer, or work abroad.

It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel (see Post #19 for reasons why). Generally, they will start off with a set amount of money that will use to travel for as long as possible. This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken street vendor about a $2 dollar plate of food.

If you work with this person, be sure to give them a FAKE email address on their last day on the job or you will be inundated with emails about spiritual enlightenment and how great the food is compared to similar restaurants back home. Also, within the first five days following departure, this person will come up with the idea to write a book about their travel experience. Sadly, more books about mid-twenties white people traveling have been written than have been read.

Some of the more enterprising white people will extend their time off by working abroad as a bartender, ski lift operator, or english teacher. Their stories, emails, and publishing plans will be identical to the previous white person but will include additional stories about working and complaints about "tourists."

Finally, there is the white person who takes a year off to volunteer at home or abroad. Though they are equally likely to write long emails about their experience, these people are often using the experience as an excellent resume pad for their application to law school. This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education.

Regardless of how a white person chooses to spend their year off, they all share the same goal of becoming more interesting to other people. Sadly, the people who find these stories interesting are other white people who are politely listening until they can tell their own, more interesting story about taking a year off.

Thankfully, there is an enormous opportunity for personal gain. You see, whenever a white person takes a year off it opens up a valuable apartment, job opportunity or admissions slot. Consider it to be the most pretentious form of affirmative action.

I want to be able to write like this girl. Bring mundane dailies to life with a click of the keys and a flick of my finger. Invest myself in myself. But while I talk excitedly with certain friends who dig as we burn burn burn into the NYC night, it is difficult to find those moments ever-present when alone. Do you dig?

See, my hippie-in-crime and I send each other poetry in the form of Jack Kerouac Dharma Bums quotes left on voicemail, or while discussing the impact of The Killers "Human" on the world via virtual communication while we are both surrounded by friends and the constant buzzing of populated cities - the white noise that won't seem to stop and yet we still find poetry within it.

Years ago we used to sit in smoky hookah bars and get high on a lack of oxygen, alcohol and the Ever-present Being as we would talk for hours wrapped in the dim and din of those caves. Passing hookah hose along with favorite quotes, admitting that yes, "sometimes the light's all shining on me, other times I can hardly see" but that is the beauty of life. That even the Grateful Dead were connected enough to know that the Light of Hashem is so powerful it can be blinding. How we would admire our every day heroes until it was time to "just catch the next bus" until we'd reach the time to catch the last and say that if only we lived in the city we could stay up until sunrise. Continue talking about the Rebbe's potential to be moshiach or what steps we are taking to ensure the most spiritual growth possible.

We wanted to be stars bursting on the night sky. We wanted to be a revival of the beat generation. We wanted to be Kerouac and Ginsberg reincarnate. We wanted to be ourselves, present in every moment which would become the Now happening over and over and over again if you would only allow yourself to tune in enough. Now. Did you feel it? Now. This moment - can you feel it? And how we would try to immerse every ounce of our being so that the moment would swallow us whole like a lotus.

If there was ever a teacher with a larger curriculum, well, I've yet to meet her.

My friend, my hippie-in-crime, my soul brotha,' the man who cried the day James Brown died, the man who spent a lifetime learning about legends, creates his own greatness and then aspires to be it. And I, well, I try not to feel too alone on this journey. Try not to get too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Remember that there's a world out there that wants to swallow me whole in all kinds of ways if only I let it.

And every time he asks me to meet him, I know it's on the corner. The problem is trying to figure out which but no matter. Because either way, under every night sky in every country and every parallel universe we will always burn burn burn because that is the only way we know how to truly live. . .

Cool men's lifestyle site

Enjoy and you're welcome.

I will not allow my emotions to control me

This may be my new mantra. In addition to "f*ck freelance."

Lykke Li

http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=NhiutK72JW4

New Year's came and went

And it wasn't that bad. I held a friend's hand during the countdown, my eyes shut tight, my mouth repeating "I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready yet." 3...2...1...Happy New Year! My eyes opened and suddenly there it was - 2009 right in front of me.

Time doesn't stop no matter how badly we beg it to. So it's with this that I need to make every moment count. Realize that memories are left where they were made - in the past - and I need to look towards the future.

My wishes for 2009 are filled with prayers for peace in the holy land, and love and good vibes for those I hold dear in my heart no matter how near or far.