Is my blog space really that sad?

A friend pointed out today that my blog is so sad! I can understand that I tend to take this solemn tone when I'm nostalgic and longing for years of my youth, but I promise I am not depressed - at least not right now - and when I have more positive things to report I will let you know. But most of those things are too private :)

And this is what I remember

New Year's two years ago, balancing friends, a then-boyfriend, and in between comforting a mourning friend we met. You don't remember that moment, when you told me your name and I said "oh so you're _______," like I had heard so much about you and it was a pleasure to finally meet.

When in fact you probably heard more about me, the American who "wasn't like the other girls," you would later decide that it was time to get to know me better. State your intentions. Ever the English gentleman.

New Year's two years ago in the middle of the countdown my then-boyfriend frantically searching for my face, asking the night, "Where's my girlfriend?" I reappeared just in time for our New Year's kiss. How laughable that we place such importance on that one moment in time when weeks later our relationship ran its course. Would it have made a difference if that kiss had been spared?

I don't want a New Year's kiss unless it's with someone I love. Because it's almost 2009 and I'm still trying to figure out what happened to 2007. Wondering how different and beautiful my 2008 would have been. Remembering all the great expectations we placed on this year, 2008 I will kiss you goodbye - slowly and bitter-sweet. You never did live up to your promises.

I'd like to make an observation

Some of the craziest people are in NY and most of them just might be in this starbucks...

I am trying to write you a letter. I am failing miserably. This is because I want to tell you 5 things at the same time and don't know where to start. I wish you were here. Because then there would be no need for this letter. And if you were here, well, I'd have another reason to smile.

Somewhere in another time zone I had a best friend. If you see him, tell him when his hair is getting too long.

Yes

Gray Or Blue - Jaymay

I had a dream about you last night

It was so vivid and felt so real, like I actually believed we were hanging out together again. And you looked so good, it was so great to see you - I even said that in my dream - like we were old friends who were reuniting after some time spent apart.

Of course the setting is Israel, in a hall and the event felt like a wedding however the celebration was only in honor of you. And when I got there, it felt like I belonged. Your friends were wearing light blue t-shirts with cute, possibly Zionistic, statements reminiscent of an American bar mitzvah. We laughed, I think we danced. You led me around and I was so ecstatic to be there. I like to believe that you were thinking of me in those moments I was dreaming. Like you willed us to be together, even if it was in a parallel universe - the only one where we can be together.

I wish I could tell this to only you, so that you would take my sentiment as sincere. But I still feel like I'm treading shallow water, walking on eggshells, any saying that will let you know I'm insecure.

I wish so many things had happened differently. I wish I could only say them out loud. To you. Alas, the Sabbath beckons me nearer, and I hope to meet you again tonight in a parallel universe that is our own.

A Man Without a Country

"Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

-- Kurt Vonnegut

I want

Bookcases
Painted walls
The feeling I get when I see you holding a baby

Sandwich and waffle makers
Homemade pancakes on Sundays
Coffee in bed

Black & white and color photo montages mounted on my walls
Order to differentiate from the chaos
Candles to be lit
Wax drip overflowing

I want you
To remember what it felt like to be in love
To run into the ocean
Crash into the waves harder than they crash into you
To laugh loudly and so hard your belly hurts

I want someone to dance with in the kitchen
and sing with in the shower
To want to hold my hair when I'm sick
but allow me to push away

I want you
To remind me why this started in the first place
Help me actualize every dream I ever had
Bring childhood hope and adolescent passion into an adult awakening

Today I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much my heart hurts. I can feel the ache in the hole in place of where you once stood. I don't know if we will ever understand the kind of love we had, or resolve it or be able to put it on a shelf only to return to it later. This may be the end of our saga.

I know nothing except that I have been left out in the darkness. Sometimes I sit here, waiting for you to turn the light on and let me in.

I see your name everywhere. I still think it's beautiful.

Today I put your earrings on and try to remember a piece of you. I still hope you are well.

Let your ears find love

http://www.myspace.com/melekyonin

It is December

It is December and all I can think about is hibernating all winter spent in front of a lit fireplace huddling together over cups of hot cocoa keeping warm, warming our love, listening to music, watching movies, cooking meals that will sustain us, holding hands, waking in bed together, tip-toeing to the kitchen on frozen floor boards to make coffee. It is December and I am remembering that we have never spent one together.

Butterflies

I don't know what this means
but I do know that feeling this way
is better than not

Purpose, timing and projects

Today my eyes opened around 7am. This is an incredible concept to me for a couple of reasons: 1. because lately my body just craves a lot of sleep, 2. I fell asleep around 2am after watching an episode of Coupling and Gavin & Stacey on BBCA, and 3. because these days I tend to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed before 10am.

But today was a little different. I have a lunch date and even though it doesn't occur until 2, well, I guess I wanted to be prepared. Put my best foot forward. So as I tip-toed out of bed after I came to terms with the fact that I was awake before 1pm, I realized I had a sick, sleeping roommate on the couch and had to tip-toe even more. Just my luck that when I want to make a cup of coffee at 7:15am I need to be mindful of the noise that washing my favorite coffee mug and putting on the kettle bring.

In other news, I have decided to take on a little project of mine. I have decided that I need to write more poetry no matter how big or small. So for every day of this month, I am attempting to actually set aside the time to write a new poem. For the 7 of you who are actually reading this, I'd like to ask a little favor. If you think of a topic - even if it's about eating avocados on Wednesdays - let me know via the various methods of contact. I'm open!

I had a dream last night

It involved Glasgow and a wedding gift. I don't remember the bride but I think I was in Israel.

Is this from anyone we know?

Europe's calling my name

I don't know why but I have this constant urge, this itch I can't scratch, to go off to Europe for a while. There's just so much of the world I haven't seen and I keep getting this sensation that tells me "lech lecha" - go and see the world. Now! Something's tugging at me and I'd really like to go wherever it pulls me.

I have this fantastic vision

I start in Israel, take a boat to Greece and travel through the islands for 5 days. Move on to Italy and fall in love with Roma. Have a dance party in front of the Colosseum. Move on to Barcelona. Catch a football game or two. Eat some arroz con pollo because I'm not so adventurous, or amazing fish and figs.

I'd like to ride a bike in Amsterdam and remember why Van Gogh is so wonderful. Go to Prague because I haven't been there since high school and visit the place where we got lost and then found ourselves. I suppose I'd have to go to France because, well, I'd have to go to France. I'd write in cafes, drink coffee, eat pastries, smoke cigarettes and imagine my life in black and white.

I'd like to spend a couple of months in London but I don't know why. How much time can you spend riding the tube afterall, while envisioning a scene from The Rules of Attraction.

Who knew one episode of the new and terrible 90210 could bring me back to 2001....

Just a typical night in NYC

It was just another typical night in NYC which began with kosher wine at the Hadag Nachash concert, ending in watching Chabadnikim of the Rebbe as Messiah persuasion dance around Union Square to celebrate the new moon. Only in New York right? It's really satisfying to know that 2 weeks in a row I spent having a genuinely enjoyable Saturday night instead of trying to chase after the Saturday nights of my early 20s.

Saul Williams makes my lady parts tingle

Oh to be the harmonica that touched Bob Dylan's lips!

To be the guitar strings that touched his fingers. The sunglasses that shielded his eyes. To be Joan Baez singing It Ain't Me, Babe. To be the comb that touched his hair. Oh to be the harmonica that touched Bob Dylan's lips!

I'm really proud of myself. I've been writing a lot more lately. I've got some good things in the works. Got some interviews lined up. Got a writing test I should be taking right now instead of playing on the computer. I'm also really becoming a huge fan of cinnamon. I need to learn to just say no when asked for my phone number. Or at least have a fake one I can default to. Or have the balls to say, "while I would love to offer that information, quite frankly I have no intention of adding another male to my friend pool, and I'm just not that into you." Looking forward to getting this writing test over with so that I can get back to what my creativity wants to write about.

Smile like you mean it

So being unemployed leaves me with a lot of time to apply for jobs, go to the gym at my leisure, and stay in bed and watch TV. When I was dealing with my recent bout of insomnia I was catching up on old episodes of 90210 - which I'd just like to say are still quite enjoyable and much more entertaining than the new 90210, despite the scene alluding to oral sex occuring in a car in the school parking lot.

Anyway, today it's catching up on The O.C. in between job applications and online conversations. This is the episode where I would have loved The Killers after one listen had I actually watched the show back in 2004. Instead, I was too busy enjoying my time as a new graduate and going to the gym after work, or shiurim or smoking hookah and drinking with my friends crashing on couches or arriving in Queens at 1am. Ah to be young again with such stamina.

Instead I fell in love with The Killers at the same time that I fell in love with the Arctic Monkeys. It was spring riding the cusp of summer where I would find myself many times alone in a Tel Aviv office on Achad Haam after my boss would be too busy cavorting with who knows, possibly toking on the beach while I was cooped up indoors left to my own devices. Which became playing with Hype Machine and blasting my playlists while having dance parties as I updated online news content. I used to rock out hard. And sometimes have sneaky cigarettes on the balcony with, at most times, the only other person in the office. We would make jewelry out of paper clips and talk about life and my constant regret and confusion and uncertainty and love for the country. We'd talk about other things as well but that's not for here.

But back to The Killers. And the Arctic Monkeys. And 2006. It was a really good year and I wish I could re-live many of those moments. So typical of the Gemini. Just when I think I am sinking so low that I am almost at rock bottom, I somehow see a silver lining and happily remember how hard I smile and dance when spring cusps summer.

Insomnia go away

I have been up all night. It sucks royally. Except for the manicure I gave myself at 7:30am and the catch-up friend time I had between 5:30am and now.

I know that I say I can't cry, but sometimes the most random things make me want to break down. Like commercials about weddings. Songs that friend's siblings have written for them. Photos of people in love. I dunno, it just tugs on my heart strings.

I would really like to fall asleep tonight. Any suggestions?

I love and miss and love and miss and love and miss and rest in bed to sleep to try to sleep I try to sleep but sleep doesn't come easy anymore and so I lay in bed I rest in bed lay in bed on my back while past present and future all circle and swirl in my head as I lay in my bed try to rest a little while rest a little while till sleep slowly comes. And when it doesn't, sit up, drink, swallow that little pill until body calms more than brain, brain slows, thoughts cease to stir, and sleep sleep sleep come up and over. Calm calm calm, the superficial sleep grants false calm, shallow sleep take over and I beg to dream of love so I won't miss. Let me dream of love till it's in my hand again.

Tonight I will lay in bed, beg to rest, beg to sleep, beg to dream. Of him and love and sunshine and sunsets over Mediterranean seas, breeze bring seasalts in my hair, sleep and dream of his fingers running through my hair, back to chest, legs wrap, shared heartbeat beat as one, dream as one, declare as one that G-d is One, one heartbeat shared with him and the world and the world and the world, and a land that breathes and a sea that smells - that feels - like home.

Just another Friday

It seems to be more apparent to me these past couple of days that I'm losing my mind - or at least my memory.

For the second time in two days I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment at times when all 3 of my roommates are not home and I'm left to fend for myself. Yup, I'm a dodo.

So this time I realized I had locked myself out while on the phone with a certain boy after running pre-shabbat errands. Not panicking I call the one in law school to have the option of talking to his vmail. Why worry the boy. Instead I call one of my most reliable and adult-like friends/roommate/brother/future bridesdude and venture towards the glitz and glamor of 5th avenue to meet him for the key. It's a crisp and beautiful day in New York and had I not been carrying around aluminum trays, toilet paper and dishwashing soap amongst NY elite, I may have been able to appreciate the scene like the rest of the beautiful people and feel like I, too, am a tourist in this city. Instead I felt like a douche as I'm sure you can understand. I mean, you really have to picture me with greasy hair, uncovered blemish, coat and flip flops carrying around household items. Pretty priceless.

My roommate now thinks I need to carry my keys on a belt at all times like a special person. Sweet. In addition to my keys I have also managed to misplace one of my favorite pairs of earrings, tweezers, and numerous other trinkets. I hope I'm better with friends and family and remember where I last left them.

I need to write more

And sleep more. Unemployment is starting to get the best of me. I've been down this road before and it only leads to a subdued insomnia, mild depression, and anti-social behavior. I need to write more. I need to make sense of change. I need to will something big to happen.

Ringing in the New Year

It seems like it was only yesterday when we were together shopping, cooking, celebrating, laughing, loving - together. In the same place. Ringing in the New Year in the Holy Land. Perfect and bitter-sweet. But it was a year ago and these past few days have brought on more and more questions and options and solutions and problems. I make up proofs and equations like if I don't find a new job in 2 weeks then I will consider a move across the world to find opportunity and love and happiness. Or I will wait it out for him to come and find me and I will find a job I won't mind quitting and we will work out life after I have paid off my credit card bills.

I want to put my life in someone else's hands but I'm too scared because I know what my fate will be decided.

Even though the chagim have never been such a big deal for me, I'm going to make the most out of this time for introspection and ask Hashem for what is right for me. I hope I can muster up some genuine kavana for the occasion. I also hope my dreams are manifested in the next few years to come.

Shana tova u'metuka to everyone. This should be a healthy, happy and prosperous year for us all, and for those of us looking for love, I certainly hope you find it.

Who doesn't love a ukulele?

So bless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRX5kH6IrkY

I think I could really be happy here

This trip has been so far so good. I can't remember the last time I was this happy and just stopped thinking so much about everything. Despite the million questions of what are your intentions, I just don't care. It feels so.damn.good. Like I want to be here. And it doesn't take a vodka soda to make me feel that way.

I've been in a fog since Wednesday but it feels oh so good and I can't verbalize it really. And even though the food doesn't taste quite the same, it's the people who make this all worth while.

Whoa

I'm a muppet. Mobile blogging isn't so good for me. Okay, I'm over it.

As my castmate says, "Israel, it's a good time."

Pre-flight ruminations

Okay so it goes without saying how excited I am to know that in just
11 hours I'll be on Israeli soil, but in my 8 trips to Israel I have
never flown on another nation's airline. It's weird and I must say
that being grilled in hebrew about the last holiday you celebrated and
why your passport has so many stamps from Ben Gurion is rather
comforting. This time I don't have that familiar tongue to greet me.
And before boarding the plane proved to be a big balagan which was
surprising. All I have is the comfort of my tehillim and a few sparse
chasidim on the plane. There isn't even my own personal TV playing
"latoose elal." I'll get over it with a little help from my ipod and
the butterflies in my heart. See you in TA! xx

The times they are a changin'

Last night he asked me what's new?  My answer, from the depths of a haze, life.  It's always changing.  He tells me it doesn't have to if you don't want it to.  I said it doesn't matter.  Life just always changes.

The past few days have led me to question "who am I?" as I had to rush into survival mode.  I have no time to think for the future.  I now think for the here and now.  For 2 days ahead.  For 2 weeks ahead.  For where will I be Sept. 12th?  One day after my city cried.

You can always tell if a woman is going through a significant change from the look of her hair.  I chopped mine off Sunday afternoon.  You tell me what that means.  I am doing all I can to facilitate change.  Today I spoke to G-d and told him exactly what I want for the next few weeks.  I hope He heard me.  I spelled everything out loud and clear.  I even had a witness.

T'shuvah, tefilah, tzedaka, and physical location.  That's what the gemara says is necessary to facilitate change.  I hope I can work on the first three and think about the last one.

Sometimes I see imaginary people of my past. Everyone in this world has a back double - that person who from behind you swear is a vision. Their spitting image only to be jolted when they turn around and you realize it's not so. They can only exist where you left them, never to appear except for like ghosts.

9 days blues

We're in the midst of the 9 days now. Fun must end at all costs. We must prepare to act as if we are in mourning. I feel a difference of energy in the air. I can't help but feel a mono-type of energy drain. I feel tired all the time. I wake up tired waiting to finally wake up.

I'm personally gearing up for the fast. A lot of mental and spiritual prep is involved. I wonder how everyone else is feeling.

You have no idea how long I've wanted this song!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sbqpyHovow

This life, it breathes sometimes

And this heart, it bleeds sometimes. And poetry, sometimes it doesn't happen enough even though it happens all the time.

I want to witness your soul bare on its back below me
As I hover and writhe uncontrollably
You will know the wrath of me as they all do
Broken and battered as I am like a severed head medusa
And I dare you to know where that line came from
But I promise it's not mine

Hello, she said, into the phone line
Remember when poetry was pure as I do
Remember the Brooklyn rooftops and basement gravity bongs
Remember applesauce cups as ashtrays
Remember longing for 2001 as I do
Remember it all and remember it well as I do
I once stood on the cusp of my youth on the corner of Memory Lane as you did
With the warm blood of a teenager going somewhere fast
Now trying to remember how I got to the here and now
Hear this -
I still want to love as many as I can
But I hope that all it takes is one
To take me there

Free write my life so I can right all the wrongs in it
You hold the key and always have, always did, always will
Always

I haven't had much to say lately

I'm sort of just watching the summer unfold before my eyes. No real developments, no real excitement, just watching, waiting, hoping. For what? Something that will shake up my life in a positive way, that will stir me at my core. A reason to tango, a spring in my step because it's summer.

I don't have a summer love; there's no man of my dreams waking me in bed, no one to make coffee with in the morning, no reason to want to make coffee in the morning. And still I hope find that ray of sunshine peeking through my window every morning when I wake. And still I hope for another reason to dance on the weekend. To continue to believe in love and fate and G-d and thank Him daily for His creations. I look for a reason to say, "Damn, I love this city." It doesn't always come. But still I have hope that every day will bring me closer to flowers.

I love this song beyond words

מעליות
דוד טסה ורוני אלטר
מילים: דודו טסה
לחן: דודו טסה
אני אוהב את הלילה איתך
לא זוכר מה זה בלעדיך
אני שומר לך את הדברים הטובים
גם אם הם מעט
מספיקים רק לאחד
אני קוטף לך את כל הפרחים
וגינתי פורחת ללא הרף
אני שומר לך את כל הסודות
שתחזרי אלי בערב
ערב טוב

מעליות,מעליות עולות יורדות ומתרסקות
אבל אני, גבוה מכולם
כלום לא נוגע כלום לא נוגע
רק המבט שלך

מאירה את הבוקר איתך
פותחת בליבך עוד איזו דלת
אתה יפה אלוהים יודע כמה
מתבוננת לעת ערב
ערב טוב
אני חורזת שרשרת מילים
מפחדת לאבד אותה בדרך
אני אלך איתך לאן שתרצה
רק אל תלך רחוק מדי
רחוק מדי משתי עיניי

מעליות,מעליות עולות יורדות ומתרסקות
אבל אני, גבוה מכולם
כלום לא נוגע כלום לא נוגע
רק המבט שלך

בעיניים פקוחות
ברגליים פצועות
אני הולך איתך
כלום לא נוגע
רק המבט שלך

אני אוהב את הלילה איתך
לא זוכר מה זה בלעדיך
אני שומרת את הדברים הטובים
גם אם הם מעט
מספיקים רק לאחד

New York is a trip

I just had a day of extremes. Filled with corporate nonsense and room decorating by day and adventures of sorts at night. After purchasing sheets for my new bed at the mega mart that is Bed Bath & Beyond, I ventured midtown to meet a chabadnik and to catch some spoken word where we were quite the minority. After a drink that made my eyes sleepy, we headed downtown for the best falafel in town and later for some chulent. Well, rather a weekly gathering of eclectic personalities called chulent. A mix of Jews all in the same pot.

Tonight's lecture was about Shabtai Tzvi - a false messiah who had many marriages in his lifetime and whose prophet used the argument that as long as he is alive he can't be disputed as being the messiah. The lecturer made a comparison to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. This is supposedly the reason he left the movement.

I still have sleepy eyes. I'm still happy it's Sivan. I still need to grow up because if an unmarried 31 year old lubavitcher thinks i'm getting up there at 26...well maybe he has a point. Shabbat Shalom xx

I want to let out a primal scream

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

There are so many juicy things to write about but I will keep them to myself for now. Miami was delicious and really was just what I needed. It was filled with fun, sun and learning. My stress and tension immediately melted under the hot sun. My skin felt better than it had since Israel. Miami really is like another Tel Aviv (Israelis are everywhere - even Nikki beach).

Summer is pretty much here and tomorrow I begin my move to the city. Who knows what the month of Gemini has in store for me, but I am beyond eager to find out. Rather I am content to patiently wait and see what will happen. Who knows who will come into my life. I doubt prince charming on a white horse, but perhaps a darker version. Or even a chariot filled with girlfriends who bear gifts of wine.

Last night was...

Freakin' awesome! K-town karaoke with the ones I love. It don't get no better than that. Especially when a Korean song came on and we all started to sing - on key, mind you - we want moshiach, we want moshiach, we want moshiach now-ow. Like we were at Christian summer camp. That kind of awesome. And let's not forget how "Miles" sang intermittently in perfect "Korean." Shout out to Muth I dropped my glasses dances and the number 32. Nights like these make you feel like you have a home.

Oh, and did I mention I'm on my way to seeing my gay husband? And I'm going to be in Miami for this auspicious time where we received the Torah?

Welcome to the month of Gemini. Life is about to get better. xx

What if I faded away, into the depths, into the darkness of the past and became a memory soon to be lost of a time now lost to us? A time where I wanted and didn't at once.

I'm getting older and things are making less sense. I'm getting older and becoming nostalgic for everything. For summer of 2000 spent as a poet in New York city workshops on Brooklyn rooftops surrounded by the poetic elite and the one I called Big Brother. For 2001 innocence reclaimed and love found. For 2003, possibly the last of the "good" years so I hold onto every memory which is fading fast with the desperation of a woman in middle agedom. For 2006, the year I bet everything on a plane ticket. I'll never forget that first cigarette smoked in a cab on the way to Ra'anana's doorstep in awe of being back in the land of palm trees and heaven. For all the promise held in that cab ride, I breathed it all in with all 5 senses and even the 6th I had yet to develop. For the friends I had yet to meet and for the ones I knew would stick by me. For surrogate families and friends who became like family. For lost lovers, for bad dreams of ex boyfriends interrupting mid-summer night's sleep. And for you, 2007 - the year ripe with promise of a future if only I didn't let fear and comfort get in my way. 2007 you have come and gone as if a vision. You are a blur of missed opportunity to be replaced by new pathways and new doors. When will I ever learn to let go of reservation and live with conviction injected into every act and decision. I'm tired of being timid. I've reached a point where I want someone to marry, and 2008 I put all the burden on you back in the cusp of 2007's year-end musings.

The palm of my hand holds every answer but i'm not the one to interpret it. And while I say I wish I was and could take out the fun of living, it's still nice to be on your toes sometimes. 2008 you haven't disappointed me yet but I leave that open as I still haven't crafted my own fate. As long as I am a breathing being, there will always be longing. I am waiting for that desire to take a different shape. Unmask itself and transform as I will.

An open letter of apology

So apparently I was like my male "friends" who forget women have feelings and I forgot that some of the most important ladies in my life are people too. But let it be known that last night's alcohol and emotion-induced rant was mostly directed towards some choice men in my life. Not who you think so stop it already. And who in the world is passing my writings around in facebook land? That's just scary! I mean, I'm not even that interesting. I just write about the same ole same old "oooh I want to be in Israel, but ooooh I'm gonna make myself cry in NY." Sheesh, even I'm tired of hearing it. So in conclusion, I love the ladies who still love me. Know that it was a result of sleep deprivation coupled with dehydration from the loss of too many tears.

Wanna laugh? I got asked out by my friend's brother who is 4 years younger than me (he's 22). Life is funny like that. I think I'm going to take to carrying my journal around with me again. Maybe it'll keep me out of trouble ;)

Damn

A year ago today I left one home to return to another. For weeks I had been anticipating this moment not knowing what to expect,if I would feel a sense of uneasiness if I would be depressed or indifferent. And now it hits me like a slap in the face out of no where that I was getting on a plane. I was saying goodbye and now I can no longer say with the same sense of pride that I "just came back from a year living in Israel" because in another day I'll have spent more time outside...unless you count that month from August to September...

I'm too confused and I don't know what to think or feel anymore about anything but I know eventually I'm going to be happy because here I had a life once too and I will and I do.

I don't know how to let go anymore

I recall a time when I used to run around the halls wearing a bra outside my long-sleeved sesame street shirt from when I was 3 that fit me like it was painted on. How my parents let me out of the house in something so form-fitting is beyond me.

I think every other week I find myself thinking that I wish I gave more and got into the habit of carrying change in my pocket. I want to do that for real. I need to give more yo.

P.S. I'm going to Miami for shavuot but I'd rather be in Israel.

P.P.S. I may sublet from a friend soon if I can afford it. Stay tuned.

I want to live in neve tzedek and hertzliya pituach

You got that future husband? We're living there period. End of story. So you better start saving up. And we're going to have lots of babies. You'll have to change the diapers but I'll breastfeed. Which is a big time commitment on my part. So you do yours because they'll need a big backyard to play soccer in and I'll need a place to sun in when I get my read and write on while they're at the gan and I'm not breastfeeding. Anyway, future husband, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.

I feel like one of those American Jews

A year ago today I was in Israel. Tonight I sit in a hall watching Israel's independence day like it's a spectacle and not something to live.

Flatlining

Last night I confessed to a friend that I've been feeling rather stagnant as of late. Nothing seems to rile me up and so I feel like I'm flatlining. I have no passion for life. No endorphins to be released.

I feel nothing for work except they pay me. I wish I could evoke some sort of emotion,conjure some false enthusiasm but I can't. Today I just felt run down. I like when the office is quiet in the morning.

Last night I truly laughed and sang and whooped, only to regret it in the morning. I need something more than a temporary fix. I need to know where I'm going besides in circles.

Is this a borderline depression I've been pacifying for the past year? I think I need to be medicated at this point. An injection of adrenaline or some uppers.

I need to hit the sauce more often. I need daily doses of sunshine. I need a one way ticket to...

Chalomot metukim

I wished my grandmother last night before going to bed. "At cholemet?" she asked, to which I responded, "B'ezrat Hashem."

After I awoke this morning, while brushing my teeth I remembered I dreamt of him. We were kissing in bed and when I tried to go further he protested. In my dream I thought maybe it was because of his girlfriend. But back in reality I remembered what we ceased to do after 3 months into our relationship. I hope by the time I'm 40 he'll stop visiting. It just makes me feel odd in the morning.

Kate Nash plays in my head

"My fingertips are holding onto...

...the cracks in our foundation...

...and I know that I should let go but I can't..."

She sings an acoustic, slow, drawn out version of her song in my head. Usually it's upbeat, when I am, but today is not the case.

She sings this way only for me as we lament about love lost and location lost
hoping to land a final destination soon.
Because it's been too long since I've last been there and almost as long since you've been here

With Pesach comes summertime

This is the first Pesach in a couple of years that I am back in New York, and while my location has changed, one thing is still the same: the arrival of Pesach brings the feeling of summer. Even with the hustle and bustle of rushing before shabbat and preparing for 2 days of chag, I stopped to feel the warm air around me and the sun on my skin. The deliciousness of it all was almost too much to bear and it just didn't feel like shabbat was coming. It felt like a whole new season. Like the gray clouds of New York were finally melting away.

I had lovely seders, although different and kitniyot-free, and I still managed to read the paragraph with the word "shadayim" in it, bringing me back to a house in Hertzliya where they laughed and I didn't get the joke. I was so innocent then ;)

I'm still waiting for 2008 to bring all of its glory and splendor. I think it's time I stop putting so much pressure on this year and just let it happen.

P.S. I miss you.

You know what my problem is?

There are too many options out there. I can see myself living happily in 5 different places with any of 5 different people. This is a problem for me. I think it's why I can't always see myself as a family person. And yet I always say I want between 3 and 5 children depending on the day.

Sometimes I say jackass things like, "I'll probably be single forever!" knowing it's dumb, annoying and not what I want. But I say it anyway because I'm a scaredy puss. I'm afraid to make a decision and stick with it. I'm afraid to love one person forever. I'm sorry and I really hope to overcome it someday. Because I want what Susi has. I want a love worth fighting for. I want a love that reminds me of summertime.

How Beauty PR is sometimes like pledging a sorority

So it goes like this:

You want these beauty editors to feature your product. Well how can they if they don't have it in their hands for the look and feel of it? So you waste paper and use a big bag with a logo and 3 sheets of tissue paper for one little mascara all so it should look pretty and then you spend over $8 for a messenger to walk it a few blocks over. This happens a lot. I get it and not a big deal. In fact, it's a great thing for us and the client to have to send so much product out because in the end we get the placements and they get happy. I like it and I like the satisfaction knowing that my contact resulted in a hit however small it may be.

Then you have the gift baskets. Because some clients need things to be super pretty even if they'll never see it. So then you become an expert in gift basket making. But because it has to be so pretty, you can't just find a crap basket for $3 each, you have to get the nice ones that wind up costing $200 for 15. Then the filler and the plastic wrap and the ribbon and before you know it you apparently spent four years of college to spend half a day making baskets for some person you'll never meet. But it'll make them happy and it'll make the client happy so you're happy to do it. But then you realize half the day is shot and you still have reports to finish and emails to send and anxiety builds up a bit and it's this crazy overwhelming feeling of WTF do I do now and where do I begin.

And it feels like you're pledging a sorority staying up till G-d knows when doing arts and crafts projects when you should really be doing homework, but you want the pretty girls to like you right? And you want to make your project the best project but in the end you're left to wonder "is it all worth it?" And I guess for now my answer is yes. And I tell myself to stop bitching about it because all the ones before me had to do it but how do I keep on with a smile on my face? When I'm being repremanded by someone who thinks she's a good manager.

All I know is I've been up since 3:30am and I still am not home yet. In another land where the people are as warm as the climate I once had a life that allowed for love and self-improvement. Ultimately I know I will make my way back there, but for now I feel that this experience is a necessary evil. I regret nothing but wasted time.

I dreamed exclusively for you

Just a line I liked in a poem.

I feel giddy

Because I left work today before 7pm! And I'm going to see one of my castmates in her show tonight. Score! I have a spring in my step. I am so giddy from leaving before the sun came down that I walked the wrong way in the train station and didn't care. Oh yeah. It feels good because my legs are sore from 2 days in a row at the gym. And I don't mind that I didn't go today because I'm going to see quality acting, people. A ghetto Peter Pan. Can it get any better? Well, yeah if I wasn't wearing a coat right now. I'm so giddy I'm in the mood for a post-work drink. And I don't really mind that Tuesday I'll have to be up at 4am.

xoxo

My friends have picked the most expensive time to get married

Travel agent me.

Someone hook me up with a good travel agent

Wedding season's a-comin' and I need me some cheap tickets to Israel.

I've figured it out

First of all, let me preface this by saying I am LOVING this mobile blogger!

Anyway, so I'm going through this phase of regret coupled with this confusion. I am all at once immersed in this "fast-paced" world that is New York just trying to make a life, and realizing that a life not truly lived isn't worth living. And at those moments of clarity I miss Israel the most. Where I never knew how rich my life was until now. So in these days of late I keep thinking about how I can envision myself moving back and wondering how soon or if it really will be a reality.

But if that's the case, why am I planning to move into the city when money can be saved best at home? I guess because I have to live that life too. I just wish I wasn't going to live it alone...

You know, sometimes I still very much want the apartment in Neve Tzedek with the garden and Tzfat-azure shutters (I'll fight for the dog too). I look forward to the possibility of someday. I look forward to 2008 bringing the grandeur I hoped for.

Shavua tov.

I keep having the weirdest dreams

It started about a month ago when I had a sex dream about a friend. I was wearing this yellow t-shirt I got from fashion week and my green boy-cut shorts. I woke up puzzled but ignored it, writing it off to a repressed sexuality of late.

Then two nights ago I had a dream where I was with the Brit boy at our engagement party. He was in his typical dress - sweater and pants - and I was dressed pretty frum - black and white striped skirt with black three-quarter sleeved shirt and stick straight hair.

What I found odd was that in my dream I knew I didn't have a ring and I couldn't recall being proposed to - it was just all implied. Just like his intentions of coming to the states just to get is engaged and whisk me off to Israel. And of course my mom in typical fashion says to me, "I don't think this is such a good idea." But apparently his bubbe did only it was a friend's bubbe and she was wearing a blue sweater with sparkly wifebeater underneath.

He and I eventually snuck off to the side away from everyone to fool around but stopped when his bubbe came into the room but didn't see us.

That's what I get for eating Mac n cheese and pickles before bed.

Then last night I had an odd dream as well. I was at my ex's parents' house for shabbat or something and he was there with a couple of friends - one of which I had to remind to don a kippa - and some girl who was supposed to be his current girlfriend.

Another part of the dream involved me driving a white Jeep that was supposed to be my friend's and she was in the passenger seat and I kept speeding and driving in circles until we spun out of control and I crashed the back and side of the car.

That's what I get for eating honey bbq chips and sour cream before bed.

And then all day today I couldn't shake the feeling that my being here isn't some big mistake and I should be in Israel where you get to really LIVE and that I wish I was married and on the way to raising children. Weird huh?

This is a life?

I ask myself that quite often these days as I roam the New York City streets.

Sigh is the the sound of my heart

And heavy it weighs.

I have a secret

But I can't tell you. I'm sorry. I really want to. I want to shout it from the rooftops b/c it makes me secretly so happy...for others involved. And a teeny bit for me too. That's all.

In other news, I don't know what to do at parties anymore. They make me feel socially awkward. I miss my ladies. I hear October is a lovely time to go back to TA...

2008 and I'm back at square 1

Cyclical. I really like the sound of that word. It also happens to be true to my life. I graduated college almost 4 years ago. That's also around the time he and I broke up. Four years later and another relationship seemingly ended and in this cyclical life of mine I am back at square one.

And all day I had a line of my friend's poem running through my mind - "and then I realize...I'm lonely." That's when it kept hitting me. 2008 was supposed to be this magical year where big things happen. And yes, I'm employed and yes, I am slowly saving up and yes, soon my friend will move back and we'll look for a place to move into together but really it's March already and before I know it, it'll be April and then the weather will change and it'll get warmer, and then my birthday and I'll be friggin 26 and I'm counting on being single then too and before you know it, it'll be a year since you told me you'd move here so we could be together and you know what? I'll still count on being single because yes, if I really loved you as much as I said I did I'd move back but if you really did believe your own words when you said you'd move here for us you'd be here too. And maybe we're both back at square 1 and you'll be rational and I'll be emotional and you'll move on and I'll cling on to memories past, and it'll feel just like 4 years ago and 4 years later the same thing will happen. I'll go through some life-changing experiences but at the end of the day I'll still count on being single through it all and you'll move on and then I'll be looking at photos of your children and their smiling faces wondering once what could have been.

Sometimes my life feels like a cartoon

Like when I dream that I am in a car chase with Homer Simpson and my parents are hot on our trails in a place that is supposed to be Miami but the buildings feel like Israel.

Or when I dream where I'm watching sea otters flying over the ocean and trying not to get eaten by sharks.

It's 10:45 at night in Israel

And I'm here at my desk feeling helpless. Much like I once did 3 years ago during the hitnagkut, the removing of Israelis from the shtachim - the settlements. Not being able to wrap my mind around it, watching the news unravel before my eyes while at work I used to sit and write, much like I am now, just so I could grasp what was going on in the world on the other side. I still feel like even if I'd only be watching the news, I'd rather it be there.

In case you don't know, there was a terrorist attack at a seminary in Jerusalem. When I first heard of it, it was around the time when Israeli youth would start getting ready to go out. Thursday night is party night you know. Or at least it used to be when I was there.

Hashem yishmor aleinu.

These are the things I know to be true

1. I really miss Israel. Everything about it. The smells, the sun, the rude people, the pushing, the fighting just to have a place in line at the supermarket. The produce, the madness of the shuk on a Friday, being able to toivel dishes in the Mediterranean Sea on the same day as getting your tongue pierced on a first date. My friends, my extended family, my friends who have become my family. My open mic which is no longer "my" open mic. Magic Burger, Cafe Joe, the kosher ice cream place a few blocks up from Kikar Rabin, Kikar Rabin and the heart that was painted on the steps. Memories of standing at Kikar Rabin on top of those steps. Avoiding the people offering free hugs but smiling while watching others get free hugs. Chatting with the kiosk guy next to Magic Burger. Meatos, Ginsburg, Alter Nativ, Brunos, Big Apple Pizza, and any other kosher food joint I love and used to frequent. The beach, Yaffo, walking on the beach and looking at Yaffo. Old school Lima Lima on a Thursday night. Complaining about going to Lima Lima every Thursday night. Claras. Complaining about going to Claras. Weddings I wish I was at. And so much more.

2. I know that I am a perfect example of not knowing what you've got until it's gone. Or at least until there's that threat of it being gone. Because now that the threat is there, I want it so desperately that I'm making mental plans for the future. This is not like me.

3. My job gives me anxiety. But I think I am going to continue to pretend I love it so I can move up the corporate ladder. Plus, I really do like my new Crackberry.

4. I believe that technology brings people closer together in theory. In practice is a whole other story. Maybe I'm a Luddite.

Luddite \LUH-dyte\ noun

: one of a group of early 19th century English workmen destroying laborsaving machinery as a protest; broadly : one who is opposed to especially technological change

I realized I don't write anymore

When I was living in Israel, my job was a bit different. It was much more lax as opposed to "fast-paced" New York life. Everything in New York just has to be "fast-paced." It's hilarious sometimes. Almost every job I had applied for before landing this one had in the description "must be able to work in a fast-paced environment." How do people relax these days? Oh I know, by going to the gym and running fast and burning steam. I still like to listen to Kate Nash.

Wow it's been a long time since I last posted

Here's the first of many, although this is just something interesting:

http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/celebrity/184378/amy-winehouse-fashion-range.html

"Amy Winehouse is set to launch her own make-up and fashion line.

In surely the most bizarre celebrity spin-off, the troubled singer has apparently agreed to meet with a company later this week to discuss creating her own line of products, to include things like hairspray and eyeliner, so fans can recreate her signature look.

'Amy's style has been copied by girls around the country and there's a lot of money to be made. It's a very distinctive look,' a friend tells The Sun. 'She wants to bring out a range of cosmetics and fashion products. There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner, perfume. 'All the things that are distinctive of her look.' Would you buy Amy Winehouse beauty products? Tell us in the comment box below…

Tuesday 26 February 2008"

I love New York

Because only here can I bump into an acquaintance from Israel while working a booth at Fashion Week. Israelis are everywhere. In two days at the show I have spoken more Hebrew than in the past month. I miss Israel so much. I need at least a visit in upcoming months.

I don't really know what to say. I feel like the weeks have whizzed by in a blur, and my constant mantra is "busy, busy, busy." This gets me through the day sometimes. I find myself making only tentative plans and sometimes cancelling, which isn't really characteristic of me while multi-tasking plans is.

I'm trying to work on a new piece for my show. Something more focused and substantial. Something more recent that really comes from the me that went so far as to pack enough clothes to last a lifetime. While my old piece is still relevant - constantly wanting something I've never had - it's time to write something a bit more fresh. To tie in all of my experiences to now. So I'm trying. Although my new life here really doesn't allow for writing for pleasure. I'm working on it though. I hope to be able to let you all into my life again soon. xx

I'm going to England!!!

That's right mofos. Amy Winehouse get your game ready. Arctic Monkeys, you too. Time to par-tay! Shavua tov y'all! (Sight-seeing recommendations appreciated.)

Last night

I dreamt about pregnant women and babies. There were two women standing with me and talking. They were about 5 or 6 months along, just showing, and for some reason in my dream I felt bad. Like I wanted to be pregnant too. And in the same dream, one of the Rabbis from my last trip to Israel was there as well and there was a baby who he was entertaining. Of course I'm in no position for children at the moment but I woke up confused and, yeah, maybe I did feel a little bad because I know 25 is so young but soon I'll be 26 and you know what? I want to get on with my life already. I want the husband, the modest home of a young couple just starting out, the screaming babies and intense exhaustion. The only problem is where I want to be when I have it.

Another dream I had, I was talking to my ex's brother. We were in a beit cafe in Israel some where and we were talking. It was nice. It was about a week ago.

An update of sorts

If you really know me, then you know I love to write - nay, I need to write and always have. It helps me clear my thoughts. It makes me feel better to put things down on paper. My stresses, my fears, my regrets, that which I can't say out loud. But ever since this whole work thing started, I barely have time to eat, let alone write. I'm trying, even if it's just in my journal on the commute home at night. And I'm continuing to collect new notebooks because I know I'll write till my hands allow...

For you ;)

There's a mouse in my office

Ginrod: sup babe!
me: a mouse ate my pareve chocolate!
Ginrod: kosher eating mouse
go figure, prob a relative of fifel mouskowitz

What a day, and it's not even 11 am!

A year ago today

A year ago today I woke up in a bed that was more familiar than my own, stumbled out of it and stumbled all the way to work...no, that's incorrect. But that was true of a night over a year ago today.

A year ago today was the day after I met you but you didn't remember. It was also the day after the Ginrod released drunken tears in rememberance of memories past and instead of listening intently, I snuck in text messages telling the boy I wanted to dance up on him. 2007 was never destined for emotional greatness...

A year ago today was the day after he bought champagne which flowed freely, as if holding onto NYC decadence, work hard and play harder mentality, all the while knowing that a year ago today at 8 am he'd have to go start the army process.

I liked New Year's in Israel. I liked starting the New Year in a new place. I think that even though I would complain about going to Lima Lima every Thursday night, I enjoyed going there more than most places in Manhattan. I miss you, oh ghosts of 2007. But I am a ghost of your 2007 as well.